(Closed) Does it ever make sense to advise someone against marrying their fiance?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: OK to speak up if you think the bride or groom is making a mistake by marrying their fiance?
    Speak up : (28 votes)
    19 %
    Keep quiet : (10 votes)
    7 %
    Say something only if there is abuse : (111 votes)
    74 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    4697 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    People need to make their own mistakes. It sucks but its true.

    Unless someone is being abused, telling other people how to live their life doesn’t really go over too well in most situations.

     

    Post # 17
    Member
    2733 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Nope, keep your mouth shut unless there’s abuse. But you better be damn sure it’s abuse and not just speculation. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

    If I found solid evidence that a friend was being cheated on, I’d present her with my facts and let her sort it out. Even then, I wouldn’t tell her what to do. People need to make their our decisions in life.

    Even those who end up divorced and you go “I knew it! I should’ve said something sooner!” Well, truth is, they probably wouldn’t have listened to you sooner. And sometimes life’s path is meant to happen. Even the shitty situations. What if that person ends up falling madly in love with their divorce lawyer and they become soul mates? Wouldn’t have ever happened if you convinced her not to marry the ex, right?

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    2180 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If you’re more concerned with the possible immediate effect your opinion will have on the friendship than whatever red flag(s) you see, then keep your ass covered and your mouth shut. If you’re more concerned about the red flag(s), then speak up. “I told yo so”s don’t help after the fact, and I think there’s a line between minding your business and looking after a friend.

    Post # 19
    Member
    2245 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If someone has reasonable concerns, yes, I think it’s right for them to tell the person that they’re worried about.

    Sometimes being a good person involves telling someone that what they’re about to do might not be a good idea. This is especially true when it comes to marriage, because marrying the wrong person, or simply not considering all that needs to be considered before marrying someone, can cause so much unnecessary hardship and trouble.

    The person who’s getting married can decide whether they’ll go forward with the wedding, so it’s not like you’ll be ruining the wedding and the rest of their life by telling them your concerns. 

    I think it’s reprehensible that so many people won’t talk to the person they’re worried about, but they’ll talk about their worries with everyone else. It’s like the one person who needs the warning doesn’t get it, but everyone else gets the heads up about problems that they won’t even be dealing with. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think it’s one of those “bring it up once, gently, and then never again.” A person has to make their own mistakes – they won’t listen to you if you wear out your welcome. They have to come to the conclusion themselves. But, I think it is very important that the seed be planted, if it is a legitimate problem that you see.

    I myself was warned against being with someone, and I didn’t listen to the messenger and stayed in the relationship. But the seed was planted, and eventually I saw what I needed to, and got myself out. For that I will always be grateful!

    Post # 21
    Member
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Carolsays:  I think you can speak up without speaking badly about someone’s partner. “I love you and want you to be happy. I notice you and Jim have been arguing lately.  Are you happy? Is everything all right?” 

    Post # 22
    Member
    3561 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    If someone asks for my advice or opinion on their relationship, I’ll give them my honest thoughts. Other than that, I don’t say anything. I’ve learned that people are gonna make whatever mistakes they’re going to make and learn whatever lessonsn they’re going to learn from the experience. If it falls apart, I’ll be around to help them back up, but I’ve since stopped trying to express concern when my thoughts are not specifically requested.

    Post # 23
    Member
    44 posts
    Newbee

    If you’re not close to them, don’t say anything!  It’s not your place and could ruin your relationship with that person.

    If you do choose to speak up, avoid trying to make it an all or nothing scenario.  Instead of saying you don’t think they should get married, you could say you are concerned and suggest premarital counseling.  

    Post # 25
    Member
    2942 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I have had two friends in relationships where everyone thought it would end horribly.  Both are now divorced.  One, the dislike was pretty vocal.  The other it was less vocal.  Both are now divorced.  The one where people were less vocal, the friend still talks to us, and leaned pretty hard on the group through the divorce.  Everyone seems to be stronger friends.  The one where the group was more vocal, most of us haven’t spoken to the guy in 5 or more years, even though he is around. 

    The only time I would speak up is if there was known abuse, or if there was new information that the person didn’t know.  Most of your friends/family are going to pick up on if you don’t like their SO without you saying much.  If they are still getting married, you stating it outloud typically just gets people to be defensive about their choice.

    Post # 26
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee

    I advised my sister before she got married. To put it frankly: My brother in law is a dead beat. He flunked out of college twice, lives at home with his parents, refused what he considered to be “lowly jobs”, and worst of all his parents didn’t seem to care at all. They were fine with him staying at home and helping around the house with his younger siblings. His family is middle class and much better off than my mom. We don’t understand his family at all.

    My sister is a chartered accountant, she graduated top of her class and was on the university dean’s list almost every semester. They had dated since highschool.

    My sister tried going on a “break” from him. That didn’t last long. I think my sister was too lazy to go out and date again, and plus she had “let herself go” for a while. 

    She cried and cried when I confronted her with reality of her choices. I said I would only speak this once because it was my duty to protect my sister, but if she made her choice I would stand by it no matter what.

    My parents, my family and everybody knew of the situation but they really turned a blind eye. Nobody dared to speak up but me. However, these days I find them constantly talking about my brother in law behind sister’s back. He is somewhat employed, although he spends a lot of time playing games, reading novels and on reddit. While my sister is working 60 hour weeks and raising a toddler. I’m supportive and I think she has her shit together. I can’t stand my family (grandma, aunts, uncles etc) who didn’t say anything before but do nothing but complain and gossip about how lazy and pathetic he is.

    I would rather just tell someone the truth.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I was once in a wedding where all the bridesmaids talked shit about the groom behind the bride’s back. He wasn’t my favorite, either, but I thought that was pretty terrible to do to someone you’re supposed to be supporting. It was a long engagement, and I figured that my friend had had plenty of time to think about what she wanted, and I didn’t want to take away her agency to make decisions for herself as an adult.

    I would probably only speak up if I saw abuse, cheating, or really scary behavior, OR if it was my best friend, and she seemed genuinely unhappy. Even then, I’d do it really, really delicately.

    It’s one of the sad facts of adulthood that sometimes, people we love will marry people we don’t like.

    Post # 28
    Member
    2663 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Carolsays:  I would say under extreme circumstances I would say something something. If they’re clearly incompatible and just funny realise it and they were close to me then I’d say something. I’m not one to interfere as a general rule so I don’t say this lightly and I’m sure it won’t be the majority vote. I’m all for freewill and people making their own mistakes but if my misgivings were that strong and I cared deeply for the individual/s concerned then I would put my two pennies in. 

    I would preface it with “I know this is none of my business, I may well be entirely mistaken and please feel free to tell me where to go and I won’t blame you if you never speak to me again but…”

    I would do this out of love knowing full well I wouldn’t be doing myself any favours. That person may never speak to me again but I would take that bullet and then let them decide from there. Forewarned is forearmed. I’m fact, I believe in that so strongly that there were times throughout my own engagement when I wondered if a loved one may say something to me. I think people are generally more afraid of tough love these days, but I was raised on it.

    Post # 29
    Member
    2110 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Oh, tough.

     

    I’m of the opinion that you should only say something if there is abuse or clear signs that abuse may occur.

     

    Sometimes relationships look very different from the outside. Only the people in that relationship know exactly what goes on.

     

    People need to learn their own lessons. My first marriage has ended and no-one told me before the wedding that we weren’t a good fit, and even if they had I wouldn’t of listened. From that experience I grew as a person and knew what kind of relationship I wanted to be in and what I need from a partner.

    Post # 30
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it completely depends on the maturity of the ones getting married. It sounds like most of these examples come from a younger crowd? Maybe I’m wrong.

    Either way, I recently backed out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man because the bride (whom I talked to everyday) was seriously unhappy. She TOLD me twice she couldn’t marry him, referred to hiM as her roommate, mentioned divorce more times than I could count, and told me to my face, “who cares if I have to call the wedding off a week before. My parents already said they would pay you girls back for ypur dresses.” Um… Wtf? That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wrote her a letter letting her know I needed to find a different way to support her. She blasted me and we haven’t talked since. The wedding is next month.

    ETA: I don’t regret saying something. The rest of the BMs said the same thing and actually prompted the conversation. I would rather be the one to say something and risk the friendship than be the friend that fakes her way through it. I don’t need fake in my life, definitely over that. 

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  Brook10.

    The topic ‘Does it ever make sense to advise someone against marrying their fiance?’ is closed to new replies.

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