(Closed) Does it ever make sense to advise someone against marrying their fiance?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: OK to speak up if you think the bride or groom is making a mistake by marrying their fiance?
    Speak up : (28 votes)
    19 %
    Keep quiet : (10 votes)
    7 %
    Say something only if there is abuse : (111 votes)
    74 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Unless there was violence or something really creepy going on, I would stay out of it.

    Post # 47
    Member
    45 posts
    Newbee

    I’d say only speak up if the relationship has been consistently abusive and/or toxic. But not just because there’s something about their fiance that you just “don’t like”, but your friend obviously doesn’t have an issue with. And not because you don’t understand what he/she sees in them, you don’t think they look right together, etc.

    Post # 48
    Member
    5891 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I have a couple friends I would say something. 

    One BFF is a guy who was in his first real relationship after realizing he was gay. I loved his boyfriend, who is a great guy, but I could see he wasn’t the right guy for my BFF. So I sat him down and said, “I love you and I’m only going to say this once. Do with it whatever you want and I will support whatever decision you make. I think BOYFRIEND is a great guy, but not your great guy. He’s not right for you.” Then I never brought it up again. Meanwhile, BFF was getting lots of positive re-enforcement about what a great guy Boyfriend or Best Friend is and how cute they were together. As someone who felt on the fringe all his life (due to not realizing he was gay), it felt so good to get all that positive attention. So he stayed for many years. Once they finally broke up, all the people who told him they made a cute couple came out of the woodwork and said, “Yeah, I didn’t think he was right for you.” Pissed BFF off!!! I really appreciated that I was the only one to tell him the truth. 

    On the flip side, in the days leading up to my wedding, I grilled all my friends, “Is there anything I’m not seeing? Do you have any reservations about him or us? Tell me now, or forever hold your peace” Luckily, they didn’t have anything bad to say!

    Post # 49
    Member
    5530 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

    I would say something if we are friends…but I wouldn’t nag. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    They won’t listen from experience. It’s pointless.

    I know a woman who is very accomplished and over all is very bright. Her first husband was a bit of a flashy jock type dude. He ended up in jail for fraud. Her mother pulled her a side to tell her it was a mistake to marry him. She got mad at her mother and did anyway. He cheated on her terribly and did drugs. It was awful.  She recently got married again to what several family members believe is a con man.  Someone tried to point that she should get to know this guy better. She got so mad at the suggestion. Everyone talks about waiting for the other shoe to drop on that one. I hope he doesn’t bilk her out of her house.

    I had a close friend HS get married to a guy after he got his ex pregnant while they where dating. Before they did I told her not to do it. I prefaced it by saying, “I’m only going to say this once and I’ll never bring it up again. This guy is not for you.” She was mad and didn’t speak to me for a month. I did help her plan her wedding. Turns out he lied about having other children. I never said I told you so when they divorced 4 years later but I thought it. At 40 he still lives with his mom. 

     

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