(Closed) Does it ever really work out?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@hisprettygirl:  This really resonates with me.  Dependability is a huge thing for me.

Post # 33
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

I get that he’s asking for another chance, but you said this is his fourth chance. What has he done beyond promises that he has failed to keep three other times do you have that he’s going to do it this time?

I think you need to be asking yourself if the wedding is what you really need. If you’re beyond happy with him and don’t imagine a life without him in it, you don’t actually need a wedding or an engagement ring. However, the legal benefits of being married are certainly something to discuss in that case.

If it’s because you want a ring on your finger by someone and you happen to love this guy, well, maybe leaving is the best choice. He’s clearly not giving you something that is important to you, and you could turn around the next day and find an amazing guy who decide he wants to slip a ring on your finger in a reasonable time frame.

It’s up to you to decide how many broken promises of timelines you’re willing to endure. If it’s important to stay with him and he still disappoints, then open a conversation about taking care of the legal protections of marriage without actually having a ceremony and doing the license. If you decide you can’t take another broken timeline, then it is probably better to get out on your own for a while before looking for a guy who can make a commitment to you.

On the broader topic of nagging, I think it can work depending on your guy and your goal. I’ve known of one case where she nagged and nagged, then finally put her foot down with a timeline demand. He didn’t propose by then, so she packed up her stuff from the house and moved out the next day. They were split for about a year before they got back together with a ring on her finger. In the meantime, he was out enjoying multiple other women and was actually emotionally still close to one. He outright told the one he was close to that he didn’t want to do the marriage thing, but this would get her to stop nagging and he was just comfortable with the relationship after so many years together. I don’t know if the wife had any idea he felt that way or not. I doubt it. In that case, he really shouldn’t have done what he did, and he is responsible for it. On the other hand, his actions came about because it would get her to quiet down and return to his comfortable relationship.

Post # 34
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

As somebody who waited 10 years for a proposal, I know a thing or two about waiting. About six months before he proposed, I had a snotty drunken cry where I told him I didn’t know why he hadn’t popped the question yet, but there was no nagging and there were no ultimatums. However, I would have stayed with him, married or not, if marriage hadn’t been his thing, because I love him unconditionally. You need to decide whether you would stay if he never proposed – the prospect of a wedding is no reason to stay in a relationship, In My Humble Opinion, and you need to find somebody you would stick with no matter what.

Post # 35
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t know if I nagged per se, but I certainly brought it up and we talked about it many times. It might have been a little different because we knew long before we officially got engaged that we were going to get married. There were just some logisitical things that we had to work out before getting engaged and of course we wanted to wait until it was responsible timing to make a huge investment in the ring. Were not married yet, but I have no doubt that we will be married until our dying day 🙂

Post # 36
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

yep i was a veteran nagger, i still do but definitely not as much as i used to, our stats: 4.5 yrs together and one failed timeline. at one point i left him over it only to take him back, BIG MISTAKE. now he puts no weight in what i would say. so if youre gonna leave, stick to it.

actually leaving in your case is justified, 4 failed deadlines, silly excuses he needs to take off work to propose? seriously? i really think his heart just isnt in it, especially since hes been keeping that ring for so long, better than the hobbits did in the lord of the rings. if he was going to propose he wouldve did it by now. cut your losses while you are still young.

sidenote: i just seen a reply here that a poster waited 10yrs? theres no way in h e doublesticks 😡 id wait so long, sacrificing my good reproductive years on a man who wont put a ring on it, love or not my bags would be packed.. if marriage is important to you, make it known.

but anyway now my nagging is at a minimum mainly because hes paying off the ring, but i truly empathize with your plight, i too had the idea that a proposal is something that just happens after a year or two, especially when you see everyone around you who didnt take years and years to reach that level of commitment, its not naive, 2years max is a reasonable amount of time for a man to know if he wants to marry. good luck with whatever you decide.

Post # 37
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel like I am in half of the same boat as you.  I’ve been with BF for 4 years (lived together 3), we were LDR for the first year and I moved to be with him after a long conversation about this being a commitment to a future together.  Up until 7 months ago I was hearing “I don’t even know if I want to get married, to anyone”.  I am 33 and he is 36 and in Aug I finally told him that I understood his position but that he needed to then understand mine.  I want the commitment of marriage.  I believe in it and it is something that I need in my relationship.  I also want children in the next couple of years.  Some people would call me telling him that he had till the end of the year to decide if marriage was something he wanted or not, an ultimatum.  I didn’t threaten to leave, I was serious about it.  If marriage wasn’t for him I wasn’t going to try to convince him it was and I was done.  We went ring shopping in Sept.

That being said, it has now been 6 months since then and I know he bought the ring.  The frustration is setting in and after a slightly buzzed conversation this weekend I am upset…no mad…about a broken timeline myself.  In December I said I’d like to get married in Sept ’12 and I need 6-8 months to plan because we want a destination wedding and people need time to save to come.  I asked if he was comfortable with that time frame and if that fit whatever his proposal plan was.  He said YES.  Well it is now the middle of March and no proposal.  I told him I felt like he “yes’ed” me to shut me up when I was openly asking for his thoughts and opinions on the timeline.  I told him I was frustrated because I thought we’d be planning by now and honestly it is hard to see friends all in a place I thought I’d be in by now being in my 30’s.  I am trying so hard to just be patient and let him do his thing but I also feel a little tricked because of the timeline issue.  I have let go of September and just decided that next year will be it and that is helping to eleviate SOME of the frustration.

I agree with a PP who said that the guy is probably confused in your situation because you want to marry him but you want to leave.  Giving that kind of ultimatum is rough.  Honestly if that is what I was thinking I would have had a time frame in my head and if nothing happened I would have just left.  Having the “I’m leaving you” thing hanging over his head can’t be helpful.

Post # 38
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@nor_cal07:  hes had 4 deadlines and hes been keeping a ring for over a year now, there should be no confusion on his  part imo. if hes had plenty of chances and already has a ring there is no excuses and he shouldnt be suprised that she wants to leave. he is showing his word means little. so her telling him she wants to leave in my eyes is justified.

Post # 40
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My mother gave my father an ultimatum after 4 years of dating.  And they will celebrate their 39th anniversary this year.

Post # 41
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

I just wanted to tell a story about a friend who nagged and nagged and nagged her now DH about proposing. She just wouldn’t let up. They had been dating for 2 years and it’s honestly all she ever talked about with him…made snide remarks about how they weren’t engaged yet…very passive aggressive about it.

One day, they were lying in bed, and she was whining about how she wanted to have a baby right then and there (these are her words, not mine). He was so fed up that he got up, went into his bag and got out the ring box and threw it at her. He basically said, “Well, before we have a baby, I guess we should get married first,” and walked out of the room. She was mortified by that proposal. Anytime anyone asks either of them about it, she shies away from telling the story, and he talks about how he nagged her so much that he just eventually tossed the ring at her b/c he was so fed up.  

There is another amazing post on here by a bee who nagged her way through her proposal and was embarrassed by the way it happened. She shared her story so that other waiting bees would stop nagging their SOs for a proposal. If anyone can remember who that was, her story was an awesome one for waiting bees. 

Your SO wants to make this special for you. LET him. This is the one thing the guy gets and what you have no control over. From the sounds of it…you guys haven’t been dating even a year and a half. Give him a chance to do it, and I promise that the day you get engaged will be the best day of your life.

Post # 42
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think bringing up engagement more than a few times is productive at all. You have to let him surprise you but you also have to stick to your guns.  If you’re unhappy dating him, then you’re unhappy period.  A ring isn’t going to fix all your problems and the fact that you’ll always wonder.

Also, if you have been dating less than a year and a half, chill.  I don’t mean to be rude, but I would have left if my SO was nagging me and setting 4 deadlines for proposals within the first year of our relationship.  How are you supposed to enjoy dating him when all your focus is on a wedding?  I think you should really evaluate what you need in a relationship and why you’re so focused on getting married. 

Post # 43
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that by using an ultimatum threatening to leave, the entire idea of marriage has been completely diluted. I asked my Fiance about this to get a mans insight (in OP she mentions that maybe its just how men are) and he told me that when he initially planned the proposal for us he wanted it to be in NYC and he planned to drop to one knee right before the ball dropped on new years. He said he wanted to be insanely special and that honestly, he was so set on the idea that he would have waited another year if we couldn’t make it happen this year, because its not like we wouldn’t be together in the mean time. He went on and said that if I had nagged him and then gave an ultimatum to leave, he would no longer want to propose. If along the journey of making a LIFE LONG commitment to stay with someone NO MATTER WHAT you threaten him with the notion you want to leave, how can you expect him to go out on that limb and promise you forever? Forever is forever is forever. If you have a marriage certificate of not is beside the point, especially if the marriage is only such an urgent thing because you feel like its the obligatory next step for you as a couple. Anyone is free to disagree, but I do feel like the notion that marriage is a necessary milestone and that it has to be “timelined” and go according to a plan is something that contributes to the divorce rate.

Since you wanted thoughts, I thought you may appreciate my fiancés opinion. And in his opinion, if this situation was between him and myself, he would feel very conflicted and most likely not want to propose. I understand you feel hurt by his broken promises to follow through on the timeline, but Fiance and I both agree that when making a life altering commitment, a time line is risky business anyways, because this is were nagging, ultimatums, and conflictions arise. And it seems very possible that you nagged him into this timeline to begin with. 

I feel like it may be pretty important for you guys to have a heart to heart about both of your feelings. Maybe a conversation with no threats or ultimatums would help, because it seems like there is a huge issue of communication of TRUE feelings going on with you both, but especially him. 

I hope none of this came across rudely, and I hope you both have your happy ending!!

Post # 44
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

This is what I would do- I would keep quiet for the next few months. Not mention it at all in any way shape or form, If August comes and still nothing ( in my oppinion it will happen in July like he said it would) BUT I WOULD WALK OUT THE DOOR. I dont understand why its always the womens feelings that are the ones that are considered irrational- or that we are the ones who are always the ones who should compromise-  even when we are totally clear about what we want. I would like to see how long men would wait around if the roles were reversed. 

With all of that said I would have been impatient too. Its hard, but give it this one last shot that way you know in your heart you gave it everything you got. And as an aside – this proposal better be something amazing- im sure it will be !! 

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