(Closed) Does it get better?? Living together after marriage…

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
205 posts
Helper bee

>>> walking on egg shells <<<


This is a concern. No one should ever feel this way in their own home. Perhaps some counseling may help.

Post # 18
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

There is an adjustment period.  I think a lot of the blissful first year is for couples that have already gone through a lot of the hard work (either via counseling or experience).  My DH and I lived together for over 7 years by the time we married, so we didn’t have any of the adjustment.  We dealt with all of those things years ago.  Getting married didn’t change much for us, though it feels great.   

I would suggest keeping the intimacy problems seperate from the living problems.  It might make it easier to address them. For the “roommate” issues, figure out what bothers each of you and find a way to address the major issues.

For the intimacy issues, discuss expectations and how you can address it.  My DH stays up late, and I have to get up early for work, so we try to have sex earlier in the evening, or during the day when we can accomodate that or weekends.  But we try to schedule time to just spend time together too. 



Post # 19
4858 posts
Honey bee

I think the adjustment period is totally normal and can be really hard on some couples.  For us, things got a thousand times better.  We LOVE living together.  Very occasionally we get annoyed with each other, but we are a pretty good “fit” – we like to do the same things and are both kind of messy, haha.  The biggest thing you two can do is communicate how you’re feeling.  It’s also important to make sure you keep your own friends and routines beyond the inside of your house.

Post # 20
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We have been together for 5.5 years, and we moved in after 3.  Our hardest time by far was the first year of living together.  I always say that I think that the reason why the first year of marriage is considered to be the hardest is because most people are just moving in together for the first time.  It’s tough in the beginning, but it absolutely gets better.  Once you learn how to deal with the living together issues, it’ll be great.  It just takes a little time to get there. 

Post # 21
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know that wiht myself and DH (and a lot of other couples) there was certainly a lot of bickering and fighting and tears and everything for the first year. It took us a long time to adjust to living together. I don’t think that it’s indicative of incompatibility or something like that–I mean, we’re hardly married (1.5 years) but we’ve been together almost a decade and have lived together for about 8 years. Tension when you adjust to sharing a living space seems to be relatively normal.

The things I noticed that make a difference are: 

1. Don’t go to bed angry. You can go to bed without resolving things–that’s different–but don’t go to bed silently simmering away. 

2. Don’t be passive-aggressive and don’t assume that things which are logical and reasonable to you are the same way to your partner. In our case, I was definitely a dishwashing slacker because I honestly thought it was fine to let them go for a bit. He didn’t. Ostensibly yes, I think he was right–but back then, I truly didn’t see any difference between washing them immediately and waiting and problems erupted because he was making me feel lazy and dirty while I started to find him naggy. 

3. Put a priority on SOLVING THE PROBLEM, not trying to win the argument or make things “fair.” So if, for example, you always shovel the walkway and DH never does, don’t get all pissy about it and order him to do it one day because “I ALWAYS do it!!” Your solution might be that you BOTH go out there and keep each-other company while you do it, or that you do it on weekdays, he does it on weekends, or whatever. But remember that compromise is also part of the solution, so don’t get frustrated if you suggest a work-around and he doesn’t like it. Keep working to figure it out. 

4. Sometimes there is such a thing as consumer therapy. DH and I would argue until the cows come home because his body temp runs high so he always had to have a fan on and a window open and I’m always cold. We bickered until we realized that a king-sized bed with dual-temp blankets was waaaay easier than fighting about the fan. 

5. Try establishing a custom of saying one thing you are thankful for about your partner every day. It’s a nice tradition just before bed–“Thank you for…” and even if you’re not the type to say it out loud to each-other, it works just to think it every day, almost like prayer or something. 

Just keep re-committing, take deep breaths, and don’t worry. You’ll find your groove together. 

Post # 22
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Marriage is hard work! It takes a making a daily commitment to love your spouse regardless of their flaws. That means waking up in the morning and deciding “I am going to be the best wife I can be today!” Remember, you can only be responsible for yourself when it comes to bickering, not for him! Whenever DH and I are fighting, there are a couple little things I try to do that a) help ease my emotions b) put the fighting behind us c) put him above myself.

I try to always greet him with a big smile and kiss when he walks in the door, regardless of whether or not we have been fighting. This sets a clean slate and really makes him happy.

I make lists to remind myself of all the reasons I love him. I note his special and unique qualities.

I try to do nice gestures that make him remember that he loves me, like surprise him with a special meal or write him a little note.

Marrige is a fight that is WORTH fighting for.

I know it can be tough… you will get through it. The first year wasn’t hard for us, but all marriages go through seasons. Good luck!

Post # 23
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Lol DH and I have been living together for 3 years and we are still adjusting… Living together and marriage is hard work and an effort at times. People are quick to say go to counseling but seriously, there is nothing wrong with finding things tough at times and I really think people are lying if they say everything is fantastic in marriage all the time (my opinion). You will adjust, it will take time, and that’s ok! 

Post # 24
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Fiance and I have lived together for just over 1.5 years now. I would say the first 6 months of living together with anyone are the hardest, because you need to redefine your spaces, routines, habits and lives as a couple. I wouldn’t necessarily say what you are going through is abnormal (FI and I fought more in the first half year than we have in the year since), but it is something that you constantly need to work on with your DH to make living together work for you.

Post # 25
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Fiance and I took so easily to living together.  There were no issues, no egg shells, no adjustment phase, nothing.  We have lived together now for 5 years, engaged for 2 years.  We have the odd miscommunication, and 9.5 times out of 10 thats all our tiffs are, miscommunications. 

BUT, we have both lived in other relationships before as well.

Post # 26
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Fiance and I were very young when we moved in together which in many ways helped as we had not really has the chance to be adults alone. Neither of us had a clue so just ran with it and grew into adulthood together with no real issue. BUT that does not mean I haven’t learnt anything! 1. Pick your battles. Sometimes it’s easier just to do it yourself and remind him to do it next time (without becoming a door mat) and avoid anger as much as you can 2. Go to bed together. The only time we have had real communication issues has been when we have not gone to sleep at the same time… Pillow talk does wonders for a relationship. 3. Be happy to see him. Smiles and kisses when you wake up, when you leave to work, when you come home and when you go to bed. It not only makes him feel loved, but for me, it makes me happy and makes him more willing to be nice to me

He should also be making an effort. You cannot be expected to do all the work, but fix what you can and if he does not notice and change his problems, you may need to have a serious talk.

Post # 27
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@anonymous06:  FI and I just started living together again recently. However, we lived together for 6 years. I can say that even with that 6 years behind us we are still going through an adjustment period this time around, same as when we first lived together. A combo of, getting used to not being the only adult in the house (we have a son), different quirks we both have (mostly me lol) that drive the other crazy, different ideas of how household work should be done or when it should be done, you name it we have had a little mini war over it. nothing mean spirited or damaging but your normal frustrating conversation. I think its fairly normal. I will give this advice though, pick and choose your battles. Dont make a big deal out of everything, sit and decide what your biggest issues are and address those. Let the little things stay little things. for me, with the little things, ill jokinglybut seriously just tell him in passing “ugh! you drive me bonkers when you leave your freakin socks on the floor next to your shoes which is 2ft from the hamper! get it together lover!” and we will shrug it off and move on. the big things require that we sit down and be honest and direct and work it out. This works for us, and I think its a good way to approach things like this.

Not always, but I too breathe a sigh of relief when he goes to the range with his buddies or when he goes to work on a car or something. I dont think of it as a bad thing, but sometimes you need some alone time and when you live together that becomes hard to get sometimes. So if this it not an everyday feeling, I would not feel too badly about this part. And let me tell you, I will always miss certain parts of living along, the key is deciding if you think in your head that living alone beats living with your husband. I can tell you that as much as I can miss living on my own, I would miss living with Fiance more.

Good luck! I hope things will get better for you 🙂

Post # 28
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is so us! I liked living alone and never did roommates. This has been SUCH an adjustment for me. Even the intimacy thing! It is getting better. We’ve been living together since September and our wedding was in January. Things are definitely getting better. But we’ve kept talking about things, our expectations, and being more understanding of eachouther through the transition. It is getting better. Just keep communicating and giving eachother the room to adjust without the judgement.

For me though, and needed alone time, I just try to be honest with him that I need some time by myself today. He had a hard time with that at first, but now is excepting that I need a couple hours here or there.

I’m glad to know we weren’t alone in this!

Post # 29
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I dated DH for 6.5 years before the wedding and he moved in with me (out of his parents house) after the wedding, so we’ve been living together for almost 10 months now.  It hasn’t quite been all sunshine and rainbows, but it hasn’t been all that hard either.  We get in fights a little bit, but having dated so long we have an established pattern to our fights, complete with how we resolve our issues (no, not just make up sex, lol).  Our biggest fights are over who’s going to make dinner since we both hate to cook, but we both contribute to housekeeping well enough (in my opinion anyway… DH might disagree!).

I agree that I don’t know who to believe–those who say the first year is the hardest, or those who talk about the honeymoon-period/newlywed bliss.  I think it’s a little of both.  Definitely you guys need to have very open communication about what’s troubling you if you plan to be in this for the long haul.  Good luck!

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