(Closed) Does it make me completely insane if….

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 1
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t want a ceremony? 

 

I’d much rather spend the time, and money into planning an amazing honeymoon.

 

There are several reasons why I don’t want a ceremony, and I’m slightly worried that our families will be disappointed. 

 

FI is in the Military so planning anything is almost always a nightmare. And I’m worried that the stress of planning not just one but two major events would almost be enough to cause me a mental breakdown, not to mention his family is spread out, Colorado, Texas (Some family 2 hours away and more of his family 2 hours away in the opposite direction) and Pennsylvania. My family is in Nebraska and Georgia.  We live in Texas.

 

I dislike how focused on the bride weddings have become and it seems to me that the groom just kinda gets lost in the chaos and I want it to be about both of us, not just me,  the wedding dress,  bridesmaids dresses, flowers or cake.

 

I have terrible stage fright and almost crippling social anxiety. Both FI and I have PTSD and large groups of people make us both very uncomfortable.

 

I just can’t wrap my head around spending months stressing and spending thousands of dollars on one day, and on clothes that we will only ever wear once. When all of that money could be put into an epic honeymoon.

 

Neither FI or I are religious at all. And we wouldn’t want anything with any religious symbolism behind it, no churches, no preachers or preist or chaplins, no prayers or anything related to religion. 

I don’t like the idea of my father “Giving me away” because even after I’m married I’ll still be his daughter, that makes no sense to me. 

 

And everything we would want if we have a ceremony we could incorporate into a reception. 

 

I do worry slightly about how our families are going to take it when they find out that we don’t want a ceremony. Also not really a reason I don’t want a ceremony but just kind of an added bonus is that both of our ex spouses live in this town and if there is no wedding ceremony there is no way our exs could crash it, (his ex wife hates me and is more than a little crazy and has been harassing me for the past year) I’m just worried I’ll sound like I’ve lost my mind when I explain it to people. 

Post # 3
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

You have to have a ceremony somewhere. I guess you just don’t want it to be public. I don’t see what the big deal is. Go down to the courthouse, get hitched, and then have a big party. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2801 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

It sounds like you have perfectly legitimate reasons for not wanting a huge ceremony. You have  several options, and hopefully your families respect your wishes. Do what makes you happy and enjoy your marriage rather than get caught up in a wedding.

Post # 5
Member
45658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can certainly have a small, private ceremony if that is your wish. The ceremony however, is not the part of the wedding celebration that usually costs a lot of money, so I’m not seeing how that would save much money (other than your dress).

And everything we would want if we have a ceremony we could incorporate into a reception. 

Would the reception not cause you the same stress and anxiety?

No one is obligated to have a huge wedding.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@julies1949:  With the reception it would just be a handful of people probably at our home having a cookout, his mom, my parents and a couple of our mutual friends.  also with the reception idea, theres always the option of me sneaking away for a few mins if I start to have an anxiety attack, but if we do the ceremony and I’m standing in front of people who are watching me theres no real sneaking away without it looking like I’m being a runaway bride. 

 Also, by not having a ceremony we wouldn’t have to buy flowers, or dresses, suits, pay for a venue or help out of town family members with lodging (FI and I would feel like we would have to help his mom and my parents with that) 

 

@prahajess:  If its just FI, a couple of our friends as witnesses and myself then I think I will be ok as far as the anxiety goes.

 

 

@FutureMrsBex:  Thanks 🙂

Post # 7
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Thatonegirl171:  You can do anything you want 🙂 In your case, I would opt for a very small ceremony with just you, FI, and a few witnesses. If you CAN have parents attend, that would probably eliminate some of the stress and resentment from them of not having a ceremony, but ultimately you do what you both feel most comfortable with.

Post # 9
Member
8182 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

ceremonies, big or small, is not what costs the money.  it is the party after.

 

i wanted DH to be more involved.  i asked him questions about everything.  the only thing he cared about was food and music.  if i asked him his opinion on something, we would say yes or tell me to decide.  i wish he would have been more involved with planning.  but i knew it wouldn’t make him happy.

 

Post # 10
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Go to the courthouse with both sets of parents and get married by a JOP. Then have the backyard cookout that night with a few other family members and friends.

Post # 11
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@megz06:  Thats a good idea, just us and witness and maybe our parents if they can make it. 

 

 

@Gemstone:  Agreed.

 

@ajillity81:  The travel costs for people coming to the ceremony is what I am concerned with. I understand that the majority of the costs comes from the party afterwards, however the ceremony would cost us a lot because of travel costs.

Post # 12
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Since you ideally would only want a few people there, why not do an at-home wedding? I’ve been to two which were lovely, with less than 20 people in attendance.

Post # 13
Member
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

my cousin is doing a dinner with vows exchange. no ceremony just her dad walking her to one end of the banquet hall to her groom -they say their i dos and we all eat…im kinda excited for that wedding next year.

Post # 14
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I still don’t understand why there wouldn’t be travel costs for people to attend the reception?

You can make you wedding what you want it to be.  Invite just your parents, wear whatever you feel comfortable in, have it at your house or whereever.  However, if you are actually going to be married you will need to have a ceremony – I think what is getting confused in this thread is that a ceremony can be as simple as signing papers in the courthouse.  If you don’t do that, you don’t actually get married, and it’s just a commitment party.

Post # 15
Member
5703 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Just elope and have a small casual reception (like the cookout you mentioned) later.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  A lot of people aren’t interested in that.  I think most people would call it not having a “wedding” vs calling it not having a “ceremony.”  

 

Post # 16
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Polygon:  agreed…. you have to have a ceremony to be legally married. it can be just the 2 of you at city hall, 50 friends in your backyard, or 500 people in a grand cathedral… but the must be a ceremony. you can have it at another time/date or just have it private but even if you elope ypu still have a ceremony.

 

sounds like what you are saying is you dont want a traditional big dress and long walk down the aisle etc and that is fine. you can get married in your pajamas if you want….there is no requirement to have a special dress or certain # of people (well beyond both of you, officiant and witness in most states)

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