(Closed) Does it make sense

posted 4 years ago in 30 Something
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  • Post # 2
    1155 posts
    Bumble bee

    Oh, dear. 

    Where are you meeting these men who want kids right away? You’ll have a much better shot at meeting a man who doesn’t want kids at all or right away if he’s well educated. If you’re going to school, why not set your sights on THAT group of men? Additionally, there are plenty of men who, heh, aren’t into getting married–that’s easy to see by reading the Waiting forum on this board! I have no doubt that you can find an amazing man who doesn’t want to tie the knot, if that’s really how you feel. 

    I’m proud of you for seeing through the bullshit of women’s submission and not settling for a man you loved who didn’t love you back [as much]. But take it slow. Talk to some of the guys in your classes/at your school and make some friends first. Make some study groups. Get to know some people a bit, and go from there. 

    Post # 4
    1155 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    happycomelately :  Bee, I think it’s time to consider getting some outside help with all this. It sounds like you have a LOT to overcome emotionally and in your history. You’ve NOT been treated well, and you’ve not seen others treated well. That can really destroy a person. I’d not worry so much about dating right now–it doesn’t sound like you’re in a place to make a good decision about a man to bring into your life, and even if you were in a place for that, it doesn’t sound like you’re healthy enough for that to really work out longterm. If lasting love is your goal, then make your OWN health the only priority right now. I’ve had to do the same thing in my life too. 

    If you’re a student, then I KNOW you have access to mental health care through your university/college. Please, please check that out. I’ve gone to a number of therapists through the University at which I worked, and it helped me so much. Eventually, I was in a place to make a good decision about which men were good for me, and to bring real love, security, and confidence to a relationship with another person. If love is the goal, get yourself healthy first. 🙂

    Post # 5
    656 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Please please please please work on yourself before worrying about a relationship. 

    A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Do you, work on your issues with yourself and love yourself first. 

    Post # 6
    7240 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    You can do whatever you want with your life and many people manage to find someone to do it with. But you need the strength of mind and spirit to do what works for you- especially when it’s such a stark contrast to what you’ve seen and experienced thus far. I agree with the PP- you need to find a therapist to support you in working through all of this. If you were raised in a religious household and have seen all of this oppressive toxicity since your youngest years, your mind might know that it doesn’t feel right to you but it has been your normal for so long that your entire nervous system has been wired to respond to it. You can make the shift and forge a new path on your own but why take the hard way? Find someone who can give you the support that you need.

    As an aside- I know several women who are CFBC and have loving partners as well as women who are in long term, non-marital relationships. There are plenty of people who would be happy to have a relationship like that. But you don’t sound like you’re ready to deal with a relationship at the moment.

    Post # 8
    9755 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Are the men you are dating also part of the culture you come from?

    Post # 9
    1202 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

    CFBC means child-free by choice.

    Post # 10
    8066 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Can you see a therapist? You really should not be in a relationship right now. You need to work on yourself and loving yourself first. I would definitely not date any men who come from this same culture/social background that you do.

    Post # 11
    2965 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    happycomelately :  I feel you on this. My father and I did not have a good relationship growing up. He would probably be classified as abusive now, but I still have the ingrained thought that he was just harsh and that that’s how fathers are supposed to be, even though I logically know that’s not the case. I’m not going to go into my personal issues, but I can tell you that I lived terrified that I would be like my mother and grandmothers, continuing the cycle and marrying someone who would never respect me.

    I spent my entire life single because of this fear. If a guy asked me out, I said no. I didn’t even go to any of my school dances because of this fear. Finally, at the age of 25, the loneliness and the realization that the way I was living would leave me alone with no children, which is the exact opposite of what I wanted, hit me hard. I knew that I either had to face my fears and trust my own judgement, or sacrifice the life I’d always wanted of a happy marriage and children. And if I sacrificed what I wanted because of the fear my father inspired in me, he would be winning. I couldn’t let him win in my life. 

    I decided I would be open to dating some guys at church to see if I could meet someone for me. I had a crush on one guy and pursued him. It didn’t work out, because as I got to know him better as friends, I realized I was not attracted to him at all. My dad had also wanted me to date him, so I realized that I was letting him control my life again.

    I switched churches and started attending their singles group. I’m a Christian, so I knew I needed someone likeminded. If you’re not a Christian, the same basic principle applies, and I recommend joining a club or starting a hobby where you can meet people likeminded to you. At the age of 26, I saw DH at church and thought he was incredibly handsome, but way out of my league. A few months after I first noticed him, we were together at a church party, and we started talking. By the end of that week he asked me out, and something amazing for me happened. I said yes! He was the first guy that made me want to say yes. Now, a little over a year later, we’re happily married.

    DH is completely different from my father. He’s kind, compassionate, and treats me well. I feel loved and beautiful every day.

    Don’t let your fear control your future. You deserve a happy life, and you can have one! Be discerning with your choices, and don’t allow a fear of being single to influence your dating decisions, and you’ll find a guy that’s right and good for you.

    I’m sorry my comment is so long, but I hope it helps to hear from someone else who’s been where you are and came out the other side.

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