Post # 1
I’m struggling a lot and seeking some advice.
A little over a year ago my boyfriend of 4 years cheated and left for the woman he cheated with. I learned later that he always loved this woman (a longtime friend) and was basically waiting for her to be single. All the while, saying he loved and wanted to marry me one day. He basically planned out his affair. She lives in a different province – he planned to go see her 6 months in advance of actually doing it. Pretended he was planning a vacation with friends. Even made up fake plans for the “vacation” that he told me about.
The past year has been up and down. Some days better than others. But overall I’m still struggling. After I learned what happened, he broke up with me over text. He placed a lot of blame on me, said we weren’t having enough sex, I am too different from him, etc. I hoped his terrible actions would help me get over him. But although I can finally say I don’t want him back, I still miss him, think about him, remember the good times (there were some) and feel sad.
I remember getting up early on weekends to drive him to class for his Masters (shared a car at that time), and being so supportive of his dream. He is now becoming successful in his field and moved there to be with her. I recently came across a feature about work he’s doing, and his accomplishment in his new company. (We are in the same field and I subscribe to several newsletters. This is how I first learned he moved to that city). It felt like being punched in the stomach – imagine seeing that in my inbox. Then at a Halloween party I heard our mutual friend telling someone how happy my ex and her are, and they just got a place together. Am I horrible for being sad that he’s so happy and I’m not?
I’ve gone through some therapy, then dabbled in online dating but it scared me and made me uncomfortable – realized I wasn’t ready, despite being a little sad that I’m 30 and thought I’d have found love by now. Shouldn’t I be more “over it”? Should it still hurt this bad when I hear about his happiness? I feel stuck – I don’t want him back – I see how awful he was, yet I’m still sad about it. I know I need to let go but don’t know *how* to do this.
Any words of wisdom?
TL:DR – Ex of 4 years cheated on me, can’t seem to move on, get upset when I hear of his happiness. Thought someone being so awful plus time passing would fuel me to get over it.
Post # 2
Sometimes, although someone’s actions are horrible, it takes time for you to reconcile that with who they really were. While for some people, thinking of what they did “fuels” them to get over it, for others, it may just make them sad and take extra time. I’m sorry you went through this. I don’t personally understand why he was with one person (you) while being in love with another, simply because she wasn’t single at that time (presumably?). That seems so cruel and selfish.
As for the how to move on – I wish I could tell you the secret, but I never quite figured it out from the breakups I went through. Some people just take longer. I don’t think you’re horrible for being upset that he’s happy and doing well. You’re just human. We like to believe karma or whatever will take care of hurtful people, perhaps because that gives us a feeling of control over the situation. The best thing I can suggest is to take care of yourself and hopefully over time, someday you’ll be that happy too. Hugs bee.
Post # 3
Some people are very good at walking away when they have been burned and never looking back. I am not one of those people and it sounds like you aren’t either. I am envious of people that can do that, for me, I have to wallow in my pain for a long time before I can move on. I also take a long time to get over things. I was deeply betrayed by friends that I found out were trashing me behind my back almost 3 years ago now and it still haunts me. I think it is a reflection of your own character, in that probably you would never be able to hurt someone else like that. So it’s hard for people like us to process how someone could be so heartless. For me I don’t tend to ‘get over’ things like that, I digest them until I’m full and then just carry on. Time does heal, in the sense that one day you won’t find yourself thinking about it so much, and then less and less as time goes on. Fake it til you make it.
Post # 4
You are still grieving the end of the relationship. Not him, necessarily, but the hopes and dreams you had for a life together, the memories that are now tainted by the truth he was always one foot out the door, and so on. That can make you question everything, and feel pretty raw and sensitive for a long time, depending on your own personality and emotional makeup.
Everyone grieves at their own pace, whether it is an actual death or a relationship death. I would encourage you to go back to therapy if you are still feeling very stuck in one place, and hopeless for progress, but otherwise, really, things take time.
It also might be good to date again without expectations, not the pressure of “finding love”, but just the purpose of having fun and meeting some new people and letting yourself enjoy a nice chat over coffee without expectations of “true love forever”.
One day it will all make sense why things happened as they did.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Yes, sometimes it does take a long time to get over being very hurt. There is no need to try to rush yourself. It’s a grieving process. Be patient with yourself. You’ll have some good days when you’ll forget, even for an hour. Then you’ll have a bad day again. All perfectly normal when grieving the death of a relationship.
Keep in mind one thing. He is a devious and dishonest person. What he did to you was horrible. He went out of his way to plan himself living a LIE. He isn’t going to morph into a decent, trustworthy human being with her. He is who he is. What he did to you was use you as it suited him and then discarded you when he was finished using you.
He will do the same thing to her, eventually. Mark my words. His superficial happiness right now doesn’t let him off the hook of his own abominable behavior. He knows, deep down, what he did to you.
Give yourself time to heal but please seek professional counseling if you need to. Sometimes talking things over with a counselor can help us recover from grief. Be kind to yourself. You will be happy again, have faith in yourself and in life.
Post # 6
I found that the hardest thing for me was losing the future I had mentally imagined myself to have. The family, the house, the kids…you get a mental picture of where your life is headed and a breakup tosses all of that out of the window. Make sure you allow yourself to mourn, not the dickhead who strung you along, but the place you thought you were in your life. It can take time.
It definitely can take time to see yourself as your “new normal” which is single and which is awesome because you now have the freedom to find someone amazing. No matter how amazing his career and life is on paper just remember that he got with her through cheating–that’s not a good way to start a relationship and they may have many serious problems that you don’t see printed in the newspaper.
Post # 7
Oh man, what a horrible human. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t have a good answer, people are all just wired differently. I had a horrible betrayal and heartbreak that really rattled my world and within 6 months I was slowly dipping my toes back into dating. In retrospect it was a little soon. A good friend of mine had her heart broken 7 or 8 years ago and hasn’t dated since. She just lives alone with her dog. Everyone grieves differently, everyone processes things differently. And what works for some may seem crazy to others! She thought I was nuts for dating again, and it totally breaks my heart that she has never gotten back out there. But we are both on our own path and we are both doing what works for us. And that’s all you can do too. Just keep being a good person, keep having new experiences (even if they’re not dating for now), keep growing and keep loving (your family, your friends, your cat…) And eventually you will come out on the other side. This too shall pass. *hugs*
Post # 8
jennyjen9 : Sunshine09 : RayKay : Sunfire : winterash : desertgypsy :
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I watch other people move on and wonder why I can’t. It’s true, we had so many plans for our future and a year later, I still can’t believe it all vanished. In the past year I’ve only started to muddle through my feelings, meanwhile he’s started a new life without me, and probably never gives me a second thought, and that’s still gives me moments of desbelief. The friend who was talking about him described him “having the time of his life out there with her” and someone else chimed in that they saw a recent pic of them and that they are “actually such a cute couple” (don’t think they knew I was in earshot). It was just strange to think that over the last year, I so have not been having the time of my life. Feels unfair.
I realized today as well the hoildays are coming up and this hit me hard. Last year I was still so grief stricken that I don’t think I noticed the holiday season. This year I keep remembering things we did over the holidays. It was a special time for us as our anniversay fell right before Christmas. These are the memories I wish I could just forget somehow.
I thought I’d covered it all with the therapist and she’d suggested all she could, but I do contemplate going back. Sorry to ramble…basically wanted to just say thank you and I will try to take all your words to heart.
Post # 9
Hugs. I’ve been there. Somehow it hurts even more when you finally realize you were in love with someone who didn’t even really exist.
Post # 10
I don’t think it’s abnormal to still be feeling the pain. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from him as much as you possibly can (including severing any and all social media connections if you haven’t already) and try to find other things to distract you. Maybe a new hobby or a new goal to work towards. Something to help you meet new people. Take dance lessons, join a book club, find an adult intramural soccer team, or whatever sounds appealing. And get out there and start dating again, girl. You don’t have to force anything but I do think it will help to start seeing that there is potential with new people.
Post # 11
No, it is not abnormal at all. You may even be more careful and less trusting altogether, and that is not a bad thing. It is self-preservation. Your ex is a real piece of crap, leading you on if he intended something else as soon as it became available. Just don’t get back together with him, if his new cookie and him don’t work out. He sounds like he needs a woman in his life at all times.
Cheating is so rife in relationships, but the guy I married 23 years ago is the first and only guy I ever went with who I didn’t feel wanted to cheat on me. All of the rest of the guys I went out with either cheated on me or I felt they would have.
Post # 12
Your ex committed a deep betrayal. He planned his deceit for six months in advanced and lied to your face the entire time about a fictitious vacation so he could cheat on you. That is some fucked up shit and I think you have every right to be angry with him for as long as you like.
It’s been two years since my own horrible ex dumped me six months before our wedding in the worst way, and even though I’m in a happy healthy relationship I am -still- angry at him and have no problem continuing to feel that way.
Just keep in mind that no matter your ex’s perceived success or happiness–he’s still a complete douchebag. I’m unwilling to believe that such a level of being a terrible human won’t repeat itself. Just give it time.
Post # 13
I think everybody deals with betrayal and heartbreak differently. However, I can only offer you my advice and what worked for me. I was with my ex-boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. He was someone that I was very close too, however for religious reasons I choose not to have sex with him. He slowly became abusive towards me & eventually ended the relationship after he pushed me down a flight of stairs. He then shacked up with my at the time best friend and they had a baby together. I don’t know what was worse the fact the guy I thought I loved would lay a hand on me, or the fact my best friend knew all this and stole him away from me. It took me another 1 1/2 years to REALLY get over what happened. There were a lot of attempted relationships in between and I just wasn’t ready. I struggled with anorexia and really I lost myself. However, the day came where it just wasn’t so bad anymore. I put my head into my work, tried to stay off of social media and I did for about a year. Sometimes seeing other people’s happiness can really get to you. It’s been almost 5 years and I am now married to the most amazing man I could ever ask for. All in time.
Post # 14
I don’t think anything you’re feeling is abnormal. It times time to get over things like this. I have a deep deep fear of being cheated on (I’ve always had it, I don’t know why) and so I can’t imagine what I would do in your shoes.
First of all, there is a reason for everything and there’s a reason this didn’t work out. You were not meant to be with this scumbag. Second, they always say that in relationships where someone cheats, they move right on when the relationship is better and the person who was cheated on is left in shambles. It’s not your fault and you should be going through a lot of emotions.
Third, have you ever seen or read Girl on the Train? I really recommend it. The main character, Rachel, kind of embodies how you are feeling and is jealous of her ex-husband who married his former lover he cheated on her with. It really puts things in perspective, and it might just take your mind off of things-it’s a crazy story!
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake
So sorry you’re going through this bee! It’s totally normal to still have the feelings you’ve mentioned. I think it makes it worse that you thought everything was fine & dandy. He kept you in the dark, so it’s not like the relationship slowly died…just boom & he’s gone. Much harder to deal with IMO.
I was with my ex for about 6 years. I was totally head over heels in love with him. It sucked realizing he never felt the same way. It seriously took me YEARS to finally get to the point that I stopped thinking about him, and on the very rare occasion I did think about him, I was happy for him.
What helped me was taking time to work on myself. I went to the gym to work on stress & to look & feel better. I started going to yoga, which helped immensely!! I met some good people from doing both which also helped. I dated but never really expected much of it…
I thought of the ex more when I was lonely than anything. Looking back now, I can see it was more about the loss of company & my world changing & being scared more than it was the loss of him. He is a big time horses ass & you deserve SO much more & SO much better! I feel sorry for the girl who ended up with him! She has NO idea what a shady, manipulating, liar she’s with!
Now you are in a place you can find someone who will love you to the moon & back& won’t even give ol’ what’s his name a second thought!
You got this bee!! (Hugs)