Does marriage ever get any easier?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

lovepuppies978 :  you have to learn how to talk with each other. Maybe some counseling? 

We dated 4 years, never lived together till after marriage, and have been married 9 months with very minor issues. All of which we talked over. No fighting or yelling. 

Have you two sat down and talked about things? 

Post # 4
Member
9854 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Learning to communicate effectively in a relationship is easier said than done. And it can be hard for some couples to adjust to living together, especially if they struggle with communication.

My advice is to sit down and think about the things that keep coming up in arguments. What’s a reoccuring frustration for one or both of you. Make a list. Then together (or even seperatly) take some time to write down some ways you can solve the problem. It’s easier to talk things out when you are coming from a place of calm rather than when you are already in the heat of an argument.

Also – money is a huge stressor in a relationship. I’m sure you’re both stressed about your husband’s unemployment, especially with a baby on the way. Can you examine your budget again? Are there things you can cut? Ways you can save? 

Is your husband only looking for jobs in his field or can he start looking for anything, just so there’s more money coming into the house.

Marriage isn’t always hard. I got married 6 months ago and we’ve only had rare minor arguments. but we’ve already been living together for a year, we aren’t having financial struggles, and I’m not pregnant. Basically, it’s been smooth sailing but we aren’t dealing with nearly as much. Don’t worry, everyone has rough times in thier relationship. You’ll get through this and return to the happy times.

Post # 5
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

lovepuppies978 :   We lived together before marriage and the first year of living together was very difficult.  It is a huge adjustment, and you have other stresses as well.  Try to communicate as best you can with each other.  The best advice I got was to really think about something before making an issue of it – what is really bothering me, and is it worth discussing or arguing about.   Wishing you the best.  *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

We have been married almost 4 months. We did not live together before we got married & are adjusting to that a little bit. We have the occasional small spat but make up quickly. Its usually something silly that actually comes from some sort of stress at work, him being tired cause he works long hours or my monthly hormones which I try to give him the heads up on. 

If you didnt fight like this before Im sure alot of it is stress. Maybe have a talk about your worries & the stress you are feeling from it rather than the arguement itself.

Post # 7
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

May I ask how long the two of you were together before you got married? My Fiance and I have been together almost 10.5 years and we’ve lived together off and on during that time. Each change brings a new challenge. I remember the first year we were together there was no fighting. During the seoncond year you’d think we hated each other with how much we bickered. Then when we moved in together that took some more adjustment. My Fiance recently moved to a different state to be with me and he’s had difficulty finding work so now we’re dealing with money issues. We just keep working it all out. If you don’t give yourself any other options but to make it work, then it will work. As long as both partners are still trying things will get better. 

Post # 9
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It can be the way it was again. You just need to figure out ways to deal with the stresses together which will bring you closer rather than tear you apart. I know its hard but try to look at this as an opportunity to grow stronger as a couple. 

All the best to you both. 

Post # 10
Member
6462 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Financial stress and employment stress are hard. The first year of marriage can be hard. The first year of living together can be hard. The first year with a baby is hard and you two are doing all of that all at the same time. It’s basically all of the most stress inducing life changes all lumped in together.

Yes, things can get back to a new normal but it might take a while and you may need some extra support to get you over the hump.

PS- you’re about to have a baby- there’s no “back to the way it was”. There’s something new that might have elements of the ways things were. Keeping another person alive every day adds a new complexity that you didn’t have before. 

Post # 11
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

lovepuppies978 :  

I believe the first year is in fact the hardest.

Darling Husband and I were together 2 years before getting married. We lived together 9 months before getting married and it was an adjustment for sure. I think if you don’t live together before marriage then your not only adjusting to marriage you are also adjusting to living together. I came from a very clean freak type family. Where as my Darling Husband lived on his own since he was 18 years old, so he was used to doing things on his own accord.

When we first moved in together it drove me nuts that he’d do his laundry once a week, where as I was used to doing my laundry in smaller bits throughout the week so it didn’t pile up. Dishes was another issued he put dirty dishes in the dishwasher as to where I would wash them so the dish washer didn’t end up being full by the end of the week. My idea was if it’s only one spoon and bowl you can wash it.

Over time we met half and half.

When we got married 8 months later it was another adjustment to things being combined, my name being changed and for some reason it just felt different. We have been married almost 7 months and things have gotten a lot better. I second what PP’s said. Communicating is key.

Post # 12
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! ๐Ÿ™‚

Honestly, I think all marriages will have good years and bad years.  DH and I will be married 4 years this year, our 1st year was simply amazing. We had been together 9 years prior, never lived together but with all the vacations we had taken, being in college together we had an idea what we would be in for as far as living habits.

Fast forward to our baby’s first year right now. Hands down, this has been our hardest year ever due to his demanding/over bearing parents and our differing parenting styles at times (otherwise aside from this, we rarely ever argue about anything else).  I’ve had a therapist for years due to a traumatic event that happened and Darling Husband would come with me to help me out at those sessions.  We now use her for our marriage whenever we feel we need to.  I never feel like our marriage is “in trouble” bc we’re in counseling, its honestly a way to make us grow and understand one another better.  It has made our communication SO MUCH better and we realize what types actions/dialogue can trigger an argument.

When we aren’t dealing with my in-laws issues, we really have the best time together and are loving parenting our 9 month old little girl.  It’s all an adjustment for everyone….becoming parents, parents becoming grandparents etc.  Everyone is just finding their place in all this and adjusting.  We’re working through things and getting better, we both know its just a rough patch due to all the surrounding factors….marriage is bound to have its ups and downs, just as relationships do too. I honestly believe that those rough patches make the relationships stronger. If you trust in your relationship, are communicating and come to the realization that it won’t always be perfect, it can be less worrisome.  Bottom line though, hard times are to be expected! If it wasn’t for the hard times, the great ones wouldn’t be so sweet ๐Ÿ™‚ GL and have a happy & healthy pregnancy!

Post # 13
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

BrideK2Wings :  And that’s great for you, but have you faced any major challenges in your first year of marriage?  That changes things — when you face major challenges like health challenges, unemployment, etc. things are drastically more tough.

OP, in our first year, we dealt with multiple job changes, my husband lost his job, and I was having major health issues, and switching medications.  Some days I don’t know how we got through.  We never — EVER — fought before we got married, but all of a sudden we were staring “real life” in the face and it was HARD.  I feel you, 110%.

You take things one day at a time.  He needs to get a job, any job.  Temp work.  Working at Target.  Being a barista.  Working as a waiter.  Bartender.  Whatever.  There is NO SHAME in working that kind of job, especially when you are getting back on your feet.  On one hand, you really have to be understanding of his situation as unemployment really results in one’s “worst self”, but on the other hand, he HAS to find a job because you are going to have a baby soon.

Honestly, people are overreacting when they are saying you should get couples’ counseling.  It isn’t necessary, but be sure you are supporting him not just financially but emotionally.  Be there for him.  Listen to him.  Let him know he can lean on you.  Ask him how he is doing and what you can do to help you find a job faster.  You are a team in this, and unfortunately you are facing the “for worse” part of “for better or worse”.  I get it, I truly do.  Like I outlined above, we went through something very similar and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

One thing that frustrated me was that my husband was unemployed for 8 months and didn’t get out of the house.  I encouraged him as much as I could, but he got inside himself and just didn’t feel up to going places, even just for a walk or to the gym.  I encourage you to encouage him to find something to do when he is unemployed, whether work out, go for walks, volunteer, etc.

Post # 14
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

lovepuppies978 :  marriage has nothing to do with life happening around you. You’re relationship is just going through a difficult and stressful time and communication, patience and love hopefully trumps this time for you. Remember your husband being enemployed is temporary and you two have so much to be thankful for! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Notice the good things and that should make both of you happier instead focusing on your  temporary hard time that’s just life! 

Taking time to listen and actually hear your partner instead of reacting will show care and understanding. 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
8774 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lovepuppies978 :  

I think it will be ok again  I really do, it is very hard at the moment financially and with the baby on  the way . A pp said to be sure  you only make a big deal of things that  really are a big deal and she is dead right . My mum  ( and she  was  not one  for gratuitous advice) once said to me in the early days of  my marriage  “You don’t, you  know , have to confront everything ..”  

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