Post # 1
Does marriage make you entitled to any part of your spouse? Should a spouse attempt to fill needs of the other spouse? Such as desires for attention, conversation, help… etc.. and if a spouse isn’t willing to meet basic needs (not even in a way of their choosing, just they don’t care to at all) is the relationship moot?
And I literally mean anything… not everything. Like more of… am I entitled to any attention at any point in time ’entitled’ and NOT I am entitled to your attention when I want it and how I want it, etc.
For reference, becuase of work travel my spouse has been gone a litttle less than half our marriage. I think he’s selfish and never learned to put my needs on his radar since he had to be gone so much. We didn’t even celebrate our 5 year anniversary, he said I wasn’t entitled to anything. All I wanted was to go to get some pho for $25 bill total. Nothing crazy. He said we could go for a walk (and the only time we had to do that was in the dark in the freezing cold). I think how he uses the word is disgusting and is like trying to gaslight me and make me feel guilty. I am so lonely and sad in my marriage and nothing helps.
Post # 2
I was a little lost at the beginning of your post and wasn’t sure where you were headed with your point. However, your husband seems like a jerk. My husband travels extensively for work too, and there are times when I’d like to talk but he simply can’t stop what he’s doing to do so, and sometimes when he gets back to his hotel he just wants to crash because he works overtime when he travels. All that said, your husband should never make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time together. Is he using the word entitled because he’s perhaps heard you say something along the lines of “I’m your wife and I’m entitled to _______. It just seems like such a weird word the throw around in an argument. It seems like you both need to work on communication.
Post # 3
chipsandicecream : I’m not sure I understand the question, but my question back to you is: you sound very unhappy and very unfulfilled, so does it really matter whether you are “entitled” to him or not? If we all say “yes, you are entitled to his time and attention”, that isn’t going to change his behavior. If we all say “no, you’re not entitled to anything that he does not want to give”, that is not going to change your feelings. It would be hard to be married to someone who is gone almost half the time, but if he was loving when he was home, it could be dealt with. If he’s gone half the time and not loving when he’s home, I’m not sure how anyone could be happy with that. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Post # 4
The word “entitled” threw me off a bit, but the situation you describe sounds horrible. Your husband should WANT to give you attention and should WANT to meet your emotional needs when you express them. If he doesn’t (and if he comes up with some BS about “entitlement” to disguise the fact that he’s intentionally igoring your needs), he is not being a good partner to you. It’s time for counseling or divorce, Bee.
Post # 5
I’m asking myself the same thing as FutureMrsBex; the wording is a bit odd. I feel like there was already a story behind it. But actually, as you already know, there are no established rules in any relationship, married or not, the rules are made by compromising from both partners.
And of course a spouse should attempt to meet the needs of his partner if it’s in his/her own control. But the real question is actually: are your needs met? Because you’re sure as hell entitled to having needs. You’re the one establishing what you need and what you want to be fullfilled. So if there is no room for compromising or negotiating etc. that your needs can be met, I think you should be making a decision based on that.
Post # 6
I was also confused about using the word “entitled.”
regardless, a relationship will only work if both people are working towards the common goal. Your H is not making any effort.
Post # 7
He uses the word ‘entitled’ to tell me I’m not entitled to anything. I never used it…
I would ask for attention when being ignored for hours and days on end and he says I’m not entitled to attention. I ask to talk and he says I’m not entitled to that. I would ask if we could go on a date and he says I’m not entitled to that.
Post # 8
Well he sounds like a jerk.
Post # 9
I am miserable. And getting attention from other men is doing wonders for my self esteem. And I hate that. But he doesn’t want to fulfill my needs. He says I’m not entitled to that. It’s all very painful. I feel so alone. And so, so sad. He knows it and knows why but isn’t interested in working on anything. He says he loves me but his actions never change and keeps telling me I’m not entitled to anything. That’s why I ask.
Post # 10
If you are unhappy and seeking out attention from other men, it’s time for a CTJ talk with your H. And if he won’t talk to you or listen to your concerns, it’s time to consult a lawyer because you are on track to cheat.
Post # 11
You say you’ve been married 5 years. Has it always been like this?
Post # 12
Honestly he really sounds like a jerk. What is he even implying be “entitled”? The next time he says that you could ask, who is the one deciding what you’re entitled to and what not? If he tells you that he is, then tell him is wrong and you’re going to entitle yourself to having your needs met and when he’s not willing to do so, you’re entitling yourself to leave.
Post # 13
chipsandicecream : Look it is really hard to give advice with one side of the story. I mean are you asking for attention or demanding it? When are you asking for attention? As in what is the whole situation that that leads to him saying you are not entitled to a conversation? Because there is a big difference between interrupting his work trip demanding a conversation because you think you are entitled to it and him not wanting to talk to you at all.
Can you give some actual examples of how these things come up?
I mean seeking out attention from other men is not a healthy behaviour either. So it is hard to know without more information who is being unreasonable here.
Post # 14
You are your own person. Your husband is his own person. No one is ‘entitled’ to anything of anyone. For example, your husband may be married to you but he is not entitled to have sex with you. So your husband is right that he isn’t entitled to pay attention to you or do anything for you.
But the issue is not whether you are entitled or not. The issue is that in a marriage, partners should be freely giving love, attention, time, affection, etc. It should bring you both joy. Your husband is telling you that he’s going to do nothing to fulfil your needs or make you happy, and when you complain he says that ‘he doesn’t HAVE to’. So tell him, that’s true. Then serve him divorce papers so that you can be free to find someone who wants to freely give such things to you.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
chipsandicecream : Well we definitely have to show we respect and care for one another in our relationship, through the actions we take. However it shouldn’t be a chore if you love the person- it should be something you WANT to do. It’s not about “entitlement”. He needs to choose his words wisely and get a fucking grip if he thinks that relationships are about entitlement. I would re-think whether or not he actually values and respects you as a person after this…