Post # 1
Hi Bees, this is long and I’m sorry, but I really need some feedback!
We got engaged this past July after dating for close to 2 years. My parents say they like him and gave their permission but really are not big fans of the idea for some reason. My fiance is a wonderful person! He’s very loving, kind and takes care of me and puts me above anything else. I absolutly adore him and have never met anyone that clicks so well with me. He is also not fake. He doesn’t do anyting or say anything he doesn’t mean. He doesn’t "suck" up to my parents like my new brother-in-law. He’s so nice and tries to talk to them. It’s just so strange to me that they don’t love him!
Well, I have always wanted a destination wedding and this is known to everyone that knows me. Even my parents friends made comments to them at my sister’s wedding last December about how "when K & J get married, it’ll be somewhere exotic" or "K’s wedding is going to be so different." It’s not like they didn’t know!
So when we decided to have it on the beach in North Carolina (my fam is from Chicago and his parents moved to NC in June) they acted shocked. They kept talking about all the nice places in Chicago to get married and on and on about traveling and what not. I told them that I appreciated their ideas but this is what we wanted to do. We are doing a reception at their house when we come back from our honeymoon that will mainly be for their friends.
So now, I have been asking them for over 2 months to get me the addresses of their friends they want to invite. I have sent them the list countless times and called them about it and even offered to call the people for them! My dad sold his business over a year ago and is basically retired. My mom works 4 days a week, but has been there so long, she pretty much takes off whenever she wants.
I understand they have a social life but I don’t know how to impress that this is so important to me! We sent out our first round of save the dates last week and are waiting on them to finish this project.
When my sister got married last year it did not take this long. They were excited and involved and I have expressed that even though it’s in NC, I still need their help and welcome it!
I just don’t know what to do or think. Could they be mad that we are getting married and just not want to be involved cause they don’t like us together? (which seems so crazy to me and all of our friends who say they want a relationship just like ours)
Post # 3
How involved were they in your sister’s wedding? Maybe they have wedding hangover! I think it is most likely best to have a non-accusing conversation with them. Tell them that you think they seem to be a bit distant about the destination wedding idea and ask if that is the case, or if it’s something larger? This is touchy… but I always say going directly to the source is the way to go!
Post # 4
I would say they are probably not mad that you are getting married, but they are probably upsett that the wedding will be so far from your home town. It sounds like the problem for them is that your wedding is in NC (where his parents live now) so maybe they feel as if you’d rather be a part of his family and not so much yours anymore?
Could you get the same list of relatives and friends from your sister? She may still have the list from when she used it form her wedding and maybe it’ll be easier to get it from her than your parents at this point.
Post # 5
So I feel for you. I have the oppoisite issue. It’s His family. His mother asked us to wait to get married because his younger brother had a destination wedding in SC last year and they spent so much to have it. Then she (his Mother) NEVER told anyone we were engaged. Even though we were engaged before his younger brother.
Now that we have set a date she goes hot and cold about what WE should do for the wedding. Even told me at Thanksgiving WE would dicuss everything, like I must meet HER approval. I have been nothing but cordial but I am not going to let how she acts/feels ruin the plans we have made and are going to make.
If the two of you are happy/excited about your upcoming nuptials, then keep showing that. If they dont want to join in, it sucks but they are the one’s that will regret it!
Post # 6
I would go ahead and get the address list from your sister, if possible. You can go through that and see if it looks reasonable as a guest list for your side of the family, and then send a copy to your mom and let her know that if she has any changes, she should get them to you by the end of the month. If you don’t hear anything, tell her you will just assume the list is okay and send Save-The-Date Cards to the list as it stands.
Maybe your parents are worried that your side of the family won’t want to travel. And it’s true, probably fewer of them will come than if you had the wedding where they live. As long as that’s okay with you, there’s no problem – but your mom might be feeling bad about it. Also, I assume that you and your Fiance are hosting (and paying for) the wedding and reception? If you’re expecting your parents to pitch in, your mom may be feeling like she should have more say in the planning.
You may be able to figure out a lot of what’s going on by talking with your sister. I know that my mom will tell me things that she won’t tell my sister, and vice versa. So we often end up calling each other to say "What’s up with mom now?" If your mom is having some kind of issue with either you, your Fiance, or the wedding plans, she may tell your sister when she wouldn’t tell you. Or it’s possible that something else is going on entirely. When my sister found out she was pregnant, my mom was supposed to go down and help her fix up the nursery. Then mom got all weird, and wouldn’t commit to a date or buy a plane ticket, and my sister thought she was somehow upset about the baby. It turned out that she had to have a hysterectomy, and was trying to deal with that, and just hadn’t wanted to tell us. Hopefully both your mom and dad are just fine, but there could be reasons they seem uninvolved that have nothing to do whether the approve or disapprove of your plans.
Post # 7
I second the NC issue…if his family lives there…is only a destination wedding for YOUR side of the family…kinda…one sided…I would be a little hurt.
That said…try to get the list from your sister.
P.S. Suzanno makes really good points…it might be something else entirely.
Post # 8
Thanks girls! I will be going to my parents house (about 1 hr. away) by myself next weekend. My sister and her husband will be there and I hope to have a conversation with them then. I’m not good at confrontation, especially with my parents.
-I do have the list from my sister (that took awhile too and I finally had to go home and get it myself) and have asked them to just look over and confirm. There are very few addresses they have to actually get.
-It is a destination wedding for his family as well. We have vacationed in NC for a few years and went there right after we got engaged and that’s why we picked it (plus it is a lot more resonable for people to get to than, say, Hawaii). All his family lives in Connecticut or Arizona. Just his parents in NC.
-We are paying for the wedding ourselves.
Post # 9
I personally think a NC beach wedding is a great idea. My sister went to school at UNC, and I used to love to visit her. She also had her wedding on neutral territory – in a location that meant about the same travel distance for all family, since our family and her husband’s family live on opposite sides of the country. I think that my mom was a little worried, but far more people came than even my sister thought would be able to, and everybody had a great time.
Post # 10
From my step-sister who is a wedding planner: parents (moms!) get weird when it comes to weddings. Personally my mom has been uber strange and VERY disagreeable. She also thinks that she gets final say in decision but to make that harder she is paying for about 2/3 of the wedding. I’m sure they’re excited for you, just give them time. I’m waiting it out too 🙂
Post # 11
If you are a younger bride, could your parents think that are marrying too young? Are you the baby of the family? If you live with your parents now, will moving into a new home with your FH trigger the empty nest syndrome? There are many different reasons why they might be acting weird. I think that marrying someone is such a life changing event that most parents wouldn’t beat around the bush if they didn’t like the partner.
I’m guessing its something as simple as her not liking the direction the WEDDING is taking, and that’s fine. You and your FH are the only ones whose personal style should influence the wedding. It is YOUR wedding. If she doesn’t like the idea of traveling, she might just not be as excited about the planning aspect, hence the time delays. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. As long as she supports you in your marriage, then i wouldn’t worry about her personal thoughts on how you make that marriage happen.
Good luck on that family conversation, I hope it clears things up. Let us know how it goes.
Post # 12
I haven’t read all the responses yet, but of course having a calm conversation with them about their feelings toward the wedding is necessary. It may be that they feel you’re breaking some sort of wedding rule by getting married elsewhere (a lot of people say it’s tradition to get married in the bride’s hometown). My Fiance and I live four hours from my hometown and two hours from his, and everyone wondered if we’d have it where we live (his mom even suggested a few CR spots). However, since my parents were paying for it and my mom wanted to have a major role in it, I knew it had to be in my hometown. My mom has already told me how hurt she would have been if we’d had it elsewhere. It could be that even though your parents aren’t paying for it, they assumed the wedding would be in the bride’s hometown and are now feeling left out of the wedding planning as a result of the distance. They may also think the family won’t want to travel that much – I know keeping the wedding fairly close to family was a consideration for our wedding.
If the issue is that your parents feel left out because it won’t be in their hometown, come up with things you can do with them where distance isn’t an issue (putting together Out of Town bags, favors, etc.) Even getting your mom’s opinion on a lot of issues will help her feel more involved. My FI’s mom was calling every day wanting to hear about the wedding plans and it was clear she felt very left out of the process. So, I’ve gone to visit her and went shopping with her for decorations, got her opinion on a variety of things, and his parents even came with us while we got our engagement photos taken at my old college. That made them feel a lot more involved.
Good luck talking with them and working things out!
Post # 13
I think NC sounds awesome for a wedding, but do be prepared that people may not come, even really close family members. We just got married in Maryland, where we live, and my familiy is mostly in Missouri, the groom’s family is spread out in New York, and Florida. We picked MD because we love it, we live here, and we figured it is not very hard or expensive to travel here and it is a nice place to visit (proximity to ocean, Washington DC, Batlimore). I was actually really suprised that no one from my family came other than my parents. Even aunts and uncles who had told me previously that they were excited about the wedding didn’t come. Now granted, there are deeper family issues involved here, but a large part of it was people not wanting to travel. If we had gotten married in Missouri, these family members would have come.
Post # 14
You know, you really have to gauge the travel issues depending on your family. We have a really big family – my mom has seven brothers and one sister – and there are lots of cousins too. For my wedding, which was where we live (no more than 90 minutes drive for most of them) quite a few came. For my sister’s wedding, which was over 1000 miles away, about half as many came – which was still a lot. Of course fewer people will come if they have to travel – because of cost, time, and the difficulty of making arrangements if they have kids to consider. You do have to try to keep it reasonable, and give people enough notice that they can plan and budget as necessary. But having your wedding at a location where reasonable travel is required by no means normally results in nobody coming but your parents! I would definately assume that something else was going on there.
I do think that my mom had more fun with my wedding than with my sister’s, as she was able to participate more. Honestly, my sister didn’t really want my mom all over the planning – she had very specific ideas of what she wanted. So did I, and that caused some issues for me that my sister didn’t have to deal with just because the distance completely worked for her that way. But in the end, although of course you want your parents to be happy for you, and to have a good time, it is your wedding. Your mom doesn’t have to assemble favors and help set up the venue unless that’s something you want her to do. And even if she desparately wants to but doesn’t get to, she will live through it and get over it.