(Closed) Does my family not want us to get married?

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2009

How involved were they in your sister’s wedding? Maybe they have wedding hangover!  I think it is most likely best to have a non-accusing conversation with them. Tell them that you think they seem to be a bit distant about the destination wedding idea and ask if that is the case, or if it’s something larger?  This is touchy… but I always say going directly to the source is the way to go!

Post # 4
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I would say they are probably not mad that you are getting married, but they are probably upsett that the wedding will be so far from your home town. It sounds like the problem for them is that your wedding is in NC (where his parents live now) so maybe they feel as if you’d rather be a part of his family and not so much yours anymore?

Could you get the same list of relatives and friends from your sister? She may still have the list from when she used it form her wedding and maybe it’ll be easier to get it from her than your parents at this point.

Post # 5
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

So I feel for you. I have the oppoisite issue. It’s His family. His mother asked us to wait to get married because his younger brother had a destination wedding in SC last year and they spent so much to have it. Then she (his Mother) NEVER told anyone we were engaged. Even though we were engaged before his younger brother.

Now that we have set a date she goes hot and cold about what WE should do for the wedding. Even told me at Thanksgiving WE would dicuss everything, like I must meet HER approval. I have been nothing but cordial but I am not going to let how she acts/feels ruin the plans we have made and are going to make.

If the two of you are happy/excited about your upcoming nuptials, then keep showing that. If they dont want to join in, it sucks but they are the one’s that will regret it!

Post # 6
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would go ahead and get the address list from your sister, if possible.  You can go through that and see if it looks reasonable as a guest list for your side of the family, and then send a copy to your mom and let her know that if she has any changes, she should get them to you by the end of the month.  If you don’t hear anything, tell her you will just assume the list is okay and send Save-The-Date Cards to the list as it stands.

Maybe your parents are worried that your side of the family won’t want to travel.  And it’s true, probably fewer of them will come than if you had the wedding where they live.  As long as that’s okay with you, there’s no problem – but your mom might be feeling bad about it.  Also, I assume that you and your Fiance are hosting (and paying for) the wedding and reception?  If you’re expecting your parents to pitch in, your mom may be feeling like she should have more say in the planning.

You may be able to figure out a lot of what’s going on by talking with your sister.  I know that my mom will tell me things that she won’t tell my sister, and vice versa.  So we often end up calling each other to say "What’s up with mom now?"  If your mom is having some kind of issue with either you, your Fiance, or the wedding plans, she may tell your sister when she wouldn’t tell you.  Or it’s possible that something else is going on entirely.  When my sister found out she was pregnant, my mom was supposed to go down and help her fix up the nursery.  Then mom got all weird, and wouldn’t commit to a date or buy a plane ticket, and my sister thought she was somehow upset about the baby.  It turned out that she had to have a hysterectomy, and was trying to deal with that, and just hadn’t wanted to tell us.  Hopefully both your mom and dad are just fine, but there could be reasons they seem uninvolved that have nothing to do whether the approve or disapprove of your plans.

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

I second the NC issue…if his family lives there…is only a destination wedding for YOUR side of the family…kinda…one sided…I would be a little hurt.

That said…try to get the list from your sister.

P.S. Suzanno makes really good points…it might be something else entirely. 

Post # 9
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I personally think a NC beach wedding is a great idea.  My sister went to school at UNC, and I used to love to visit her.  She also had her wedding on neutral territory – in a location that meant about the same travel distance for all family, since our family and her husband’s family live on opposite sides of the country.  I think that my mom was a little worried, but far more people came than even my sister thought would be able to, and everybody had a great time. 

Post # 10
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

From my step-sister who is a wedding planner: parents (moms!) get weird when it comes to weddings.  Personally my mom has been uber strange and VERY disagreeable.  She also thinks that she gets final say in decision but to make that harder she is paying for about 2/3 of the wedding.  I’m sure they’re excited for you, just give them time.  I’m waiting it out too 🙂

Post # 11
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you are a younger bride, could your parents think that are marrying too young?  Are you the baby of the family?  If you live with your parents now, will moving into a new home with your FH trigger the empty nest syndrome?  There are many different reasons why they might be acting weird.  I think that marrying someone is such a life changing event that most parents wouldn’t beat around the bush if they didn’t like the partner.

 

I’m guessing its something as simple as her not liking the direction the WEDDING is taking, and that’s fine.  You and your FH are the only ones whose personal style should influence the wedding.  It is YOUR wedding.  If she doesn’t like the idea of traveling, she might just not be as excited about the planning aspect, hence the time delays.  She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.  As long as she supports you in your marriage, then i wouldn’t worry about her personal thoughts on how you make that marriage happen.

Good luck on that family conversation, I hope it clears things up.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Post # 12
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I haven’t read all the responses yet, but of course having a calm conversation with them about their feelings toward the wedding is necessary. It may be that they feel you’re breaking some sort of wedding rule by getting married elsewhere (a lot of people say it’s tradition to get married in the bride’s hometown). My Fiance and I live four hours from my hometown and two hours from his, and everyone wondered if we’d have it where we live (his mom even suggested a few CR spots). However, since my parents were paying for it and my mom wanted to have a major role in it, I knew it had to be in my hometown. My mom has already told me how hurt she would have been if we’d had it elsewhere. It could be that even though your parents aren’t paying for it, they assumed the wedding would be in the bride’s hometown and are now feeling left out of the wedding planning as a result of the distance. They may also think the family won’t want to travel that much – I know keeping the wedding fairly close to family was a consideration for our wedding.

If the issue is that your parents feel left out because it won’t be in their hometown, come up with things you can do with them where distance isn’t an issue (putting together Out of Town bags, favors, etc.) Even getting your mom’s opinion on a lot of issues will help her feel more involved. My FI’s mom was calling every day wanting to hear about the wedding plans and it was clear she felt very left out of the process. So, I’ve gone to visit her and went shopping with her for decorations, got her opinion on a variety of things, and his parents even came with us while we got our engagement photos taken at my old college. That made them feel a lot more involved.

Good luck talking with them and working things out!

Post # 13
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think NC sounds awesome for a wedding, but do be prepared that people may not come, even really close family members.  We just got married in Maryland, where we live, and my familiy is mostly in Missouri, the groom’s family is spread out in New York, and Florida.  We picked MD because we love it, we live here, and we figured it is not very hard or expensive to travel here and it is a nice place to visit (proximity to ocean, Washington DC, Batlimore).  I was actually really suprised that no one from my family came other than my parents.  Even aunts and uncles who had told me previously that they were excited about the wedding didn’t come.  Now granted, there are deeper family issues involved here, but a large part of it was people not wanting to travel.  If we had gotten married in Missouri, these family members would have come.

Post # 14
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You know, you really have to gauge the travel issues depending on your family.  We have a really big family – my mom has seven brothers and one sister – and there are lots of cousins too.  For my wedding, which was where we live (no more than 90 minutes drive for most of them) quite a few came.  For my sister’s wedding, which was over 1000 miles away, about half as many came – which was still a lot.  Of course fewer people will come if they have to travel – because of cost, time, and the difficulty of making arrangements if they have kids to consider. You do have to try to keep it reasonable, and give people enough notice that they can plan and budget as necessary.  But having your wedding at a location where reasonable travel is required by no means normally results in nobody coming but your parents!  I would definately assume that something else was going on there.

I do think that my mom had more fun with my wedding than with my sister’s, as she was able to participate more.  Honestly, my sister didn’t really want my mom all over the planning – she had very specific ideas of what she wanted.  So did I, and that caused some issues for me that my sister didn’t have to deal with just because the distance completely worked for her that way.  But in the end, although of course you want your parents to be happy for you, and to have a good time, it is your wedding.  Your mom doesn’t have to assemble favors and help set up the venue unless that’s something you want her to do.  And even if she desparately wants to but doesn’t get to, she will live through it and get over it.

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