(Closed) Does my FI have a crush on this woman? Is he cheating?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 166
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

He’s lying. You deserve better than this 🙁

Post # 167
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Also, my FI’s job is very demanding, so he doesn’t have time to text during the day. And he HATES using the phone. He doesn’t call ANYBODY – not even to order a pizza (he literally makes me do it every time).

But he admitted to sexting so he obviously does like using his phone.  When Fiance and I met he had a very busy/demanding job too but he was so into me that he would find time throughout the day to text me.  That doesn’t happen now but when we were in those first exciting stages he did.

What you know of your Fiance isn’t necessarily who he is.  He may not like using the phone for mundane daily tasks but to sext a girl he thinks is hot?  Yeah I would bet he found lots of time to do that especially if nude pics were involved.

Post # 168
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I am sorry. I couldn’t trust hinm anymore. Lie on top of a lie on top of another lie.

Post # 169
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

anonb1984:  I hope you’re ok.  The reason I shared my story previously, that I was practically flamed for, was to make a point that seems to have been completely missed.  My point was: the guy married his girlfriend.  Over the past ten years they have created two amazing children, a beautiful home, successful careers and a happy life together.  So what he had a crush on me at the start of their relationship?  It was nothing in comparison to what they share together now and will share forever.  What if she’d trashed their relationship over something so minor and stupid as a crush?  Both of them would have lost out.  And I’m very happily married, too, so it was a win-win.  No cheating ever went on, not even close.

However, in your case you need to determine whether you really and truly have been betrayed and cheated on or not.  If you have been, you need to take steps to heal from that, which may or may not include him.  You don’t deserve to live with a cheater or a liar. 

But if he can come clean and the two of you can work this out you may be able to share a wonderful and healthy life together going forward.  Or, you may not be able to do that with him but at least you will be in control. 

You need to get to the bottom of what really went on and find the truth.  Give him a chance to make it right, if you can and if you believe what you share with him is worth it. 

I’ve tried putting myself in your place in this situation.  I would be hurt, I would be lividly angry, I would be devastated.  Me and him would have a Come To Jesus Meetin’ as we say here in the South.  I would make it 1000% clear that you are not playing and this is a hard line he better never, ever, ever cross ever again, not even a thought or a toe over the line, or he will lose his good thing forever, which is YOU in his life. 

Hugs and I wish you all the best.

Post # 170
570 posts
Busy bee

From your OP: “2 weeks ago…he had done a digital painting of “Amanda”…He doesn’t usually do portrats… I asked him straight up if he used a reference because it was so detailed and lifelike, and he said nope.” 

Bee, this was two weeks ago!!  Do you know how many hours it takes him to create something like this?  He spent those hours staring at the screen and obsessively studying her photos, trying to recreate every detail of her face, pouring his love, creativity and energy into her likeness.  You said that “It was so unmistakably her.”  You said it looked like a tribute.  You also said “we had both agreed to purge pics of ex’s and naughty nudes of random hook-ups.”  C’mon on now, we all know he didn’t forget he had this folder of pics of her on his phone when he’s making artwork of her two weeks ago.  

You know he’s checking her FB daily!  You know he lied to your face about meeting her (per messages to/from both Alex and Amanda). I wouldn’t marry someone who is currently crushing on another woman and lying to my face while we’re planning our wedding.  You deserve better!  

Post # 171
461 posts
Helper bee

Open your eye’s OP. He’s been doing everything you wrote in this post and on top of that he just lied to you when you confronted him. 

I know it must be hard but please realise you’re in denial, big time. Your Fiance can’t be trusted, why waste your time and energy on someone who is treating you like an idiot.

Post # 172
46 posts
  • Wedding: June 2016

OP I understand wanting to believe and trust your Fiance and I’m not telling you not to I’m just asking you to really think about something. Did he keep looking at her Facebook daily even after he finished that portrait? And if so how would that match up with the story he told you that he was just looking at her Facebook because of the portrait?

Post # 173
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Theater

I’m speechless, but my heart bleeds for you OP.

I do hope things will resolve for the better– whatever that may be. 

Post # 174
9728 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Well, as others have pointed out, he’s already lied to you. He has met her in person when he told you he hadn’t.

My bet is what Amanda says is true however she probably knew about you before or during this whole thing going on. I’m also willing to bet some of this is much more recent than you believe.

Post # 175
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

You won’t know the truth until you ask or confront him (again). He already hasn’t been forthright so tell him you’ve talked to her, what she said and see what he says rather than assume either is outright lying. Then as painful as it is, you can try to move forward. The truth hurts, but you’ve started opening the box, might as well open the whole darn thing and see the entire situation as it is. Good luck to you bee, so sorry you have to go through this.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Groover808.
Post # 176
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Clearly your fiance is lying. They met! It’s in your first message! Why don’t you go and reread that. 

Post # 177
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Even if this girl vanished into thin air, he’ll probably start up this kind of behavior with someone else in the future if he’s already oogling some other woman over you and you haven’t even married him yet! It’s not like your 20 years into your marriage and the spark is starting to fade…

He’s denying he did anything wrong, and you are both trying to justify it, which is really the hugest issue here. I get it, I’ve been there. It’s like the only way to survive is to try and justify his actions and hope it gets better. But you are both basically giving him the green light to proceed as though what he’s doing is OK. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, its setting a precedence in your relationship that he can get away with lying and pushing the boundaries on female “friendships” because you are going to let him.

Bottom line is you both really should get some couples counseling before you get married. Like seriously. Please don’t stick your head in the sand, and deal with these relationship issues like an adult mature enough for a marriage. He sounds like a man-child honestly. I went through a very similar situation. IT SUCKS to not only feel like you’re not good enough, but to have him continue to act this way (recently deleting their FB messages – since they obviously were talking) when you have expressed your feelings (telling him he’s not as affectionate and acting different) is basically just like saying hey, FU and get over it.

I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is, but even if you work past these “series of events” it doesn’t resolve the real issue, which sounds like a lack of respect and appreciation for you. Him not disclosing to her his relationship with you and agreeing to meet up with her if she wants, is the definition of not giving a sh*t about you or your feelings. It doesn’t matter whether or not she was lying about everything she told you…who cares. Because it’s not about the stupid details like who blocked who on freaking FB. It’s about him risking your whole relationship and future together on something SO stupid as refusing cut his ties to an old fling because HE STILL WANTS HER.

Post # 178
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

As much denial as you appear to be in right now, you need to trust your gut… The one that prompted you to write this post in the first place. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and you found it! What more do you want? He’s lying through his teeth.

Post # 179
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Even if Amanda is lying or exaggerating some of the story to make herself look innocent and your Fiance as “the bad guy”, the truth is that YOU KNOW he lied to you on several accounts. You know he did meet her in person, you know he did not “forget” about that folder of her photos, you know he has been stalking her fb daily, whether or not it’s for inspiration for a portrait, it’s super creepy. He has feelings for her, he was involved with her at one point or another, he has been lying to you. This is not about Amanda, this is about him.

Post # 180
1244 posts
Bumble bee

I know someone that was in a similar situation (secret girl pictures) and he married his fiancée. They split 6 months later because he kept keeping pictures and contacting her on Facebook.

I know it sucks but you need to leave him and move on. This won’t get any better. 

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