(Closed) Does my FI have a crush on this woman? Is he cheating?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

beebee1983:  I hate too…. But I agree!

OP- please don’t be that girl who knows yhe truth because it’s staring her right in the face but your too scared of having to start over so you settle!!!! He is LYING TO YOU!

Post # 122
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Why would she lie? He never would think you would reach out to her, he’s trying to admit to as little as possible to get away with what he did. Yeah, he may regret it after all this time… BUT he’s still lying. Again, WHAT WOULD SHE GAIN BY LYING?? Don’t be nieve.. Don’t be that girl… 

It’s not odd at all that shes forthcoming, maybe she has been burned before.. wouldn’t YOU be forthcoming if the tables were turned? Your Fiance has everything to lose.. and is only going to admit to what he absolutely has to… 

Another thing.. do you really think this girl would be so vindictive (as you are thinking) if they HADNT hooked up or had some sort of relationship?

 

Post # 123
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

I am sorry to say this, but the fact that you can’t decide whether to trust your Fiance or a stranger tells me that this isn’t the guy you should be marrying.

Post # 124
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

By The Way, I’ve been in Amanda’s shoes. It wasn’t as serious as this is, but I definitely went out with a guy a few times (we didn’t sleep together, but were physical) and texted constantly for about three weeks. Then I got a facebook message from his longtime, live in girlfriend whohad been out of the country for those past three weeks (at a freaking family funeral, how classy was that guy?) and had seen some of his texts (because he saved them under my full name, which isn’t super common). 

She was very sweet and just wanted some answers, which I gave her willingly. I wasn’t the enemy – I explained to her that I had never been to their apartment and had no idea he had a girlfriend, and she believed me, because I had no reason to lie to her. 

 

Post # 125
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

anonb1984:  Firstly I just want to say that this sucks and it’s a shit situation you shouldn’t have to deal with.

Just remember that in all likelihood they are both lying – it isn’t either/or. He’s got every reason to minimise what’s going on and sadly there are plenty of girls out there who will make it sound more than it was for some sort of bitchy female ego boost crap. 

I know it’s so much easier and less painful to believe him but I think he sounds shady AF over this girl.

Post # 126
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yeah I’m sorry, I’d believe her over your Fiance too.  Why would she lie to you?  Maaaaaybe for some extravagant revenge plot or because she’s kind of a psychopath who just likes to fuck with people. 

OR, your fiance could be a bit of a player who is covering his ass and lied because he thought there was no way you’d ever find out anything different.  

Which do you think is more likely?  In general, Occam’s Razor applies, eg the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Post # 127
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee

If you guys are going to work out your issues and/or go to counseling, you are now going to have to come clean about everything you know and how you know it. There is no way to get past this without total honesty, from both sides.

Post # 128
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

anonb1984:  Just my two sense regarding your conversation with Amanda. Just playing devils advocate based off of my experience with shady men/women.

First, if I were Amanda, and the relationship really played out like she said it did, I would have no resistance messaging you back and spilling the details. There was a man I was once involved with, and found out that he had a girlfriend back in his home state. I wondered so many times if I should tell her everything, but I decided against it. If she were to ever message me, I would tell her everything, including how he told me she was his cousin when he was repeatedly ignoring his cars on a roadtrip I was on with him (bluetooth in the car said her name when she was calling him). 

Second, the texting all day every day could have been before you moved in. That same guy I referred to before was so sneaky about texting me all the time. He would go back to his home state and spend time with her, and would be texting me constantly. If someone wants to text someone constantly, they will find a way to be sneaky about it. 

Third, she may have blocked him at one point, then readded him. I’ve done it before. 

Fourth, she may not be a person who is on Facebook all of the time. Or she could have even had a facebook deactivated for some period of time. I go through spurts where I will delete facebook for a few weeks if I have something else I need to be concentrating on. It’s crazy how much you find out you have missed after taking a Facebook hiatus for a couple months. It’s actually great, I suggest anyone to give it a try. 

Fifth, some people just feel the need to hide some details. My SO and I have been pretty open about our previous relationships and sexual history, though I know there is one girl in particular he has not been completely honest about. It doesn’t bother me, because they were friends growing up and I know that he just doesn’t want me to feel threatened by that. There are also a couple hookups I haven’t told him about either, for no particular reason, they just meant nothing to me and it’s irrelavent to our relationship. 

On the other hand, though, I know a few girls, one in particular that are completely like what you are thinking about Amanda. This girl is insane, and will do anything she can to mess with someones head when it comes to do with her ex (who I dated). She used to send me messages telling me he had hooked up with her and would tell me dates that didn’t add up, would tell me all of this stuff that he had said to her, etc. She was actually very convincing, but he had warned me before we even started dating that once she found out about me, she would message me saying pretty much everything that she ended up trying to tell me. So there ARE girls like that out there. 

I think the best thing for you to do is have a honest conversation with your Fiance about it all. Tell him about the messages you know he deleted, tell him about the convo with Amanda. See how he reacts to this. If he is really being honest with you, and will do whatever it takes to work things out, he should be willing to prove to you that he is being honest. I would also just leave Amada alone. If she is like the girl I mentioned, she feeds off of drama and wants to make you mad. She’s not worth your time if that’s the case. Make sure you have all of the answers you need from her before writing her off, as well. 

Good luck to you. I hope Amanda is lying for the sake of the wedding you have planned.. but don’t let a wedding be the reason you stay. There are other men out there!

Post # 129
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee

anonb1984:  

ohhh boy…honestly, I don’t know what to think…I am not going to jump on the “your fiance is a dick” bandwagon, because I am not convinced he is…

As far as Amanda…I think she has reason to lie – you have seen her naked pictures!!! She is probably MORTIFIED! 

At this point, here is what I would do…I would tell him you messaged Amanda…and I would show/read him her responses…I agree with you – if she “blocked” him, they wouldn’t be friends, she wouldn’t see his tags, etc

Don’t throw in the bag on your relationship yet, while I think your fiance may have crossed some lines, I am not convinced about the extent he crossed…also, I think men are also sometimes slower to “officially” be in relationships than women…they SAY they are, but their actions say otherwise for a few weeks, maybe even a month longer…

Post # 130
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

OP – just wanted to also say I am so sorry your dealing with this! It’s got to be so hard for you. Confusing and hurting you! I’m glad you came back and updated! We don’t want to harp on you! Just want you to be smart and not see you be hurt anymor! It’s hard to really understand how one feels and what one is thinking when it’s not you going through it. Even if you’ve been through something similar! You have to do what is best for you! Just be smart and really think this through. You deserve to be happy! I am so sorry! Big hugs!

Post # 131
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

anonb1984:  I think that it’s ok to have crushes but not to the point where you withdraw affection to your partner!!! If I noticed a change in my relationship, I would be tempted to snoop too even though I’m very against it generally. 

Also I think the daily facebook stalking, the file on his phone and the naked selfies would creep me out if I was Amanda and make me angry as hell if I was you OP. If I was her I would not have sent naked photos to an artist who I know is engaged and drooling over me. His behavior is so disrespectful to both women that it goes way beyond a crush or men being visual creatures.

And please OP love yourself. You don’t have to be the typical Amanda model type to be a head turning gorgeous woman. You can do better.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  littlechickie.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  littlechickie.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  littlechickie.
  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 132
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

I can’t really get over the fact that he drew a portrait of her + has the nudes + even if half of the information Amanda said is true, that’s enough to vote your Fiance as someone who isn’t fully committed.  And you deserve better than to come in second in his eyes. I personally couldn’t deal. Why are people so digusting?

Post # 133
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Amanda has no reason to lie to you. Your Fiance already has. You are seeing what you want to see when you pick apart what she told you. Sorry, OP – from an outside perspective it’s pretty clear your Fiance has seriously wronged you (and deceived another woman while at it). 

Post # 134
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Ugh this is awful. I also agree she has no reason to lie to you.

Post # 135
Hostess
3167 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry, OP. I think you’re trying to pick apart her side because you don’t want to believe her. I suspect your Fiance knew he was semi-busted when you brought up his drawing and her nude pictures, so he chose to deny, deny, deny. One thing seems very clear – he is lying to you. And he hasn’t been facebook stalking her because of his art.

I know you said you had t planned to post anymore, but I hope you will reconsider. Even though some replies must be very difficult for you to read, we also have a lot of support to offer you. Best of luck.

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