Post # 1
I’m starting to think my Future Mother-In-Law is not excited about our wedding. My FI’s brother just got married in June and I was there for every painstaking second of their engagement. I had to listen to my Future Mother-In-Law gush about his brother’s wedding and brother’s wife for a year and a half. I was there the night they got engaged and when they came home to announce it, my Future Mother-In-Law cried her eyes out, jumped for joy (literally… she jumped) and kept gushing about how excited she was to have the bride-to-be as a DIL and going on and on about welcoming her to the family, etc. The next family function she busted out the good china and made an elaborate tearful champagne toast to the newly engaged couple. After that, she spent months shopping with the bride, buying things for their wedding, helping her craft DIY projects and couldn’t contain her excitement to annouce her as her “new daughter-in-law” to everyone she saw.
Fast forward to May when we came home to announce our engagement and she seemed…. less than pleased. She barely made eye contact with me. His brother (the only one to know the proposal was coming) brought out champagne for a toast and she refused to drink it, let alone say something herself. Since then she has made negative comments about every decision we have made on the wedding (the venue, the colors, the date, what the groomsmen will wear… everything). She never “busted out the good china” for us and doesn’t gush about me the way she did for his brother’s wife.
I have been around this family my entire life. We have mutual family friends and we’ve all known each other since we were toddlers. I’ve been with my Fiance for 7 years. We have broken up a few times in the past (we started dating when we were 17 and 19… we were so young and broke up. It happens.) While we’ve been great for 4 years now, I wonder if his family still holds ill-will towards me because of the past break-ups? They always seemed to love me and have always been great to me but I can’t help but notice the lack of excitement towards our wedding when it was the complete opposite with his brother. Am I being too sensitive?
Post # 2
I would def be wondering too… Is Fiance the baby? Maybe it has something to do with that. I would ask your Fiance to ask her WTF the problem is , lol.
Post # 3
I would talk to your husband and maybe get the scoop from him. She doesn’t sound to be fair at all. I would be hurt to.
Post # 4
That would hurt me too… What’s your Fiance insight?
Post # 5
My Fiance is the 6th of 7 children and the 6th to get married. He claims that his mother knows I am not a “center-of-attention” type of girl (while the other DIL definitely is) so he thinks his mom doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I would believe that if the only thing she did was not have a toast but her overall actions do not add up to this being true. He just brushes it off and says “she loves you! You’re looking into it too much”.
Post # 6
Tell her everything you wrote in this post and ask her what her problem/issue is..i would just be upfront about it even if you dont like the answer then at least you know and you can work on resolving any issues you were not aware of!
You really do not want the rest of your life to be awkward and resentful when it might just be a missunderstanding from the past thats never been resolved
Post # 7
Hmmmm…… Maybe there’s a misunderstanding Then. Why don’t you ask her to look at dresses or do some wedding planning with her involved?
Post # 8
hmmm..you said you have broken up “a few times”. I have to be honest as the mother of a son who is dating. If he was dating a girl and broke up with her a few times and then announced they were engaged I would be less than thrilled, sorry. I would question their maturity and commitment.
Post # 9
it could be she’s totally burnt out on weddings, kind of like when a mother has a second child and doesn’t fuss as much. It could be she doesn’t like you. It could be she doesn’t want to let go of another child. It could be that she doesn’t think the marriage is a good thing. arosebyanyothername:
has a good point.
You could ask her if you were really bothered by it. Or you could just let it go and prove to her that your son chose wisely by acting discrete and not letting anything ruffle your feathers. Some relationships take time and it sounds like your relationship with her needs longer than perhaps the length of engagement.
Post # 10
It seems like maybe there could be some different feelings regarding your engagement vs the brother’s, possibly related to previous breakups. People don’t know how to take that, I guess, since they didn’t live through your reconciliation(s) like you did. I don’t think there’s a way to convince them, so I wouldn’t spend too much energy on it. I don’t think it’s something you should talk to her about, for example. I’d definitely talk to your Fiance about it, but let her handle things the way she wants unless something crazy happens and she starts sabotaging things or something.
But maybe she is just burnt out from spending so much energy on the other wedding? Sounds like it was a big undertaking.
Post # 11
I would be hurt too.
There’s 3 reasons why.
1. she doesn’t like you
2. she’s burnt out from other wedding
3. like Fiance said dosn’t want to make you uncomfortable with attention.
I’m going with mix of 2 and 3. My FIs sister got married a couple months before we got engaged. When we told his parents the reaction was, ‘ohhhhh’. When we expressed it was not the expression we were expecting his mom said, ‘well… we’ve been through this before’. Uhhh, thanks?
Anyways, I think they were just burnt out from the other wedding because now things are great. They act excited and ask about details. She’s not running about buying things, but they did give us some money to put towards the wedding. His parents see Fiance and I as being very independant and responsible (unlike some of his other siblings) so they didn’t feel like they ‘had’ to do stuff for us.
Maybe a 4th reason why she’s not asking the same? Are you and Fiance more ‘grown up’?
Who knows. I would give it some time.
Post # 12
Burnt out on weddings or not too pleased b/c of the break ups and history of the relationship… A part of me says, do you really want to know? Probably better to just go forward not worrying too much about what she thinks and be a great wife to her son.
Post # 13
She said they broke up when they were younger and teenagers. She also said that they have been great for the past 4 years. It’s not like they broke up on a Friday and then got engaged 3 days later on Monday…
OP, I would try to include her more and see if she comes around! I would also feel hurt.
Post # 14
I’m giving my gut, visceral reaction as a mother.
Post # 15
If your fiance’s mother is very close to her son, it could be that she is sad about “losing” her son to another woman. This is very common and shows up as coldness and critical comments from MILs. Another possibility is she might be concerned about the past break ups and worried about her son getting hurt. Maybe she is also emotionally spent from her sons getting married; weddings of children force parents to acknowledge their age and new ways of relating with their married adult child.
So her reactions could have everything or nothing to do with you. Ask your fiance to speak to his mother gently about her reactions. People are always more comfortable talking to their blood family about emotional topics. If you confront your Future Mother-In-Law, you may receive a response that you don’t like and that could be hurtful.