(Closed) does my future father in law control my fiance ?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it’s a bit of a leap to say that your Fiance condones his fathers behavior just because he lived with him after his parents got a divorce.  FIL engaged in some not very appropriate behavior in his last marriage, but my husband is still his son, and he’s still going to maintain a relationship with him.  When it comes down to it, that father son relationship is there regardless of poor decisions either one has made in their own personal relationship. In other words to flip it around, if I screwed up and cheated on my husband, I would hate to think that my Mom would turn her back on me just because I screwed up. 

I think you need to talk to your Fiance a little bit more about what’s going on. Does he maintain any kind of relationship with his mother?  Do you ever talk about what his Dad has done/is doing?

Post # 5
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you ever talked to you Fiance about this. How old was he at the time his parents split. My Fiance did the opposite…. his mom cheated and he sides with his father and to this day (15 years later) he still cannot forgive his mother. But his younger brother has lived with his mom the whole time and he wasn’t siding with anyone because he was only 6. Its hard to say “sided”… if your a kid you just follow along with what your told or who you want to live with. He may have just liked his dad best because he’s a guy. And the fact that he cheated may not even come to mind.

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m also curious if you’ve talked to your Fiance about this, and what he said.

Post # 9
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m more concerned about the fact that your Fiance won’t have an honest conversation with you about his values.

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It might be hard to understand his decision because you have never had to be in that situation. You have to remember that these are his parents……he is going to have a strong emotional bond to both of them no matter what. You might not agree with his decision, but you are also able to see this in “black and white”, where for him the situation is grey. There is always more to a story than meets the eye.

Honestly, this is probably going to sound horrible…… but if I had to pick between my parents, I would pick my father over my mother even if my father had cheated on my mother. It’s not so much about how he treats my mother as much as it is how he treats me.

Post # 13
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My parents seperated when I was 10ish and I lived with my mom until I was 14 and then moved in with my dad and his girlfriend (the woman he left my mom for). 

In my situation, my mom took the divorce very hard and leaned on my too much to be a real parent at that time. She got very clingy and our relationship besically dissolved. I know I hurt her so much when I moved out (after a fight in the middle of the night), but we actually found each other again with the distance I created. We’re like best friends now, and I know that if I had stayed with her, we never could’ve developed this kind of relationship. In the mean time, my dad turned into a trainwreck and I actually refuse to have contact with him for about a year now.

He might have a reason for his behaviour that you don’t know about, and I strongly suggest you talk to him. I would be more worried about him being in his 30s and not living alone yet.

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I totally think yu have a right to push the subject…in my opinion things like that can say a lot about someone’s morals and what they think is okay in a marriage. Seems like you already know that and it is what you’re worried about. And I think he may not want to talk about it because he knows that he has done wrong by his mom.

Are you two doing any sort of pre-marital counseling before the wedding? That may be a good opportunity to bring it up.

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hesthereimhere:  I guess the thing that strikes me is that it’s as much about understanding your FI’s relationship with each of his parents and his family as it is about his feelings about marriage and fidelity. Those were things I knew about my Darling Husband long before we were engaged, and vice versa.

Has your Fiance talked about his childhood much? Do you have a sense of how he regards each of his parents? Maybe his mother was abusive, or cold, or just difficult to deal with.  Or maybe he really is staying on his dad’s side because of the money. I think these are really important things to understand before you get married, because they can also affect how he interacts with any children you might have. And I agree with @Wonderstruck:  that talking about this in premarital counseling is a good idea.

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