(Closed) Does my groom have a thing for my best friend?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Honestly, I think you are reading too much into this. It sounds like your BFF really might not be as close to you as she once was, and maybe that’s bothering you? No offense, but it sounds to me like you are being nit-picky with her. Ultimately, you have to trust your Fiance and if you say he won’t cheat and treats you right then I would just let it go. My Fiance and I are 2 days to our wedding and he def says I’m being naggy or nit-picky because I’m stressed with the wedding, and you guys are close enough to your wedding that that might be what he is referring to.

Post # 4
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I have to agree with Miss Cheeky in that, it sounds like you might be being a lil too hard (if only in your mind) on your BFF and your Fiance.  Its totally normal.  But you should try to let it go.  He might like her as a person.  He probably empathizes with her.  And, being that he’s a good man, he might feel sorry for her for allowing herself to live the life she’s living.  But I’m sure its not a sexual thing at all.  Don’t even sweat it. 

But, if you don’t mind me being honest.  I kinda cringed at a few things you said about your BFF.  It sounded kinda harsh.  I’m sure you don’t mean to come off that way, so make sure she’s not feeling or even hearing that harshness.

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ok so there’s a lot going on. First of all, you sound like you hate your friend for her lifestyle and how she acts. If you judge her so much, why are you friends with her? Why do you hang out with her? I would never want to be around someone who sits with her legs open and her woman bits hanging out. Really, that’s the time you say, “honey you should cross your legs. I can tell you don’t have panties on”. If she’s decent at all, she’ll close them up. It just sounds like you hate her, though. And yes, your friend sounds less than classy. But, you don’t exactly sound so classy yourself, telling us she’s drabby, has a tiny body, no offense, she’s not good looking. I mean, it’s one thing to say she has a bad lifestyle, you want her to better herself, etc, but the things you are saying about her just don’t add up to me. 

And, endometriosis is a disease. If any of my husband’s friends said, “oh i have X”, I’d probably mention it to my husband and be curious, too. It doesn’t mean i have a secret thing for his buddy. I expect my husband to care about my friends, just like I care about his friends. I don’t love them like my girlfriends, but they ARE part of our lives. As far as him having the guts to say “i’m surprised she doesn’t look much different” after having 2 kids, I don’t see why that’s a big deal.

If you are so worried about your Fiance having a thing for your BFF, you need to talk to him about it. Communication is key. I’m sure he’ll deny it, but explain to him why you have these feelings without getting angry and irrational. Have a rationally thought out discussion with him about this if you think something is truly bothering. BUt, it really could just be wedding nerves and you’re reading into things way more than you need to be.

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee

If he were complaining you were being nit-picky about the wedding that would be one thing, but he’s complaining you’re nit-picky general (and you weren’t considered nit-picky before you started spending time with her). That’s something totally different.

I don’t know you, I don’t know your fiance, but if you truly have a gut feeling about this don’t dismiss it. Women are taught to dismiss gut instincts and then we are shocked when something goes wrong in the relationship (particularly with cheating). Really take sometime to think about it: is it that he’s paying more attention to her because he’s concerned for her health? Or overall.

I had to edit my post because I read your story the wrong way. If he’s interested in her endomitriosis that may just be because he’s in the medical field. If I see someone with an absess (sp?) I can’t look away. It’s a medical thing I think.

Don’t be alarmed, start freaking out on him, or checking his phone. That would be the wrong way to handle this. Talk it out. Communication is key in relationships, and if this marriage is going to be forever then you need to learn this skill now. You should be able to talk about this. 

Post # 8
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think you’re being really hard on your friend. You fiance is probably wondering why you would be so hard on her while calling her your very best friend, and his questioning you sounds like he is coming to defense of her. Also, I see nothing wrong with him wanting to know what endometriosis is. In fact, it is a positive thing for him to want to know? If you mentioned it to him, why shouldn’t he be curious? I would want my husband to care about the things going on in my life and my friend’s lives. And isn’t he friends with this girl too?

But regardless, there are some communication issues going on here. If you are having bad feelings, don’t ignore them.

Post # 9
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand what you are saying, it can be frustrating when people don’t want to help themselves. I think you just came off like you were attacking her, but you know sometimes there are people in our lives that we love but just cannot accept them as friends. I know that sounds really harsh, but if you are really that bugged by the person she is, and it doesn’t look like she is going to change, then maybe it’s best for you that you distance yourself (especially if it’s going to make you this upset). To me it seems like you are just frustrated with her and maybe are projecting that frustration into your Fiance. Like the other ladies said, he might sympathize with what she’s been through and might think you are being too hard on her.

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee

In a way I can understand what you are saying. When you’re frustrated with people who are constantly in a bad way it’s easy to fall back on name-calling (behind their back and to a significant other), but perhaps it’s gone out of hand.

You talk about religion and praying so I guess you are religious in some way. Try not to get annoyed. This girl sounds like she’s going through alot (all it takes is one wrong turn before a life goes down in shambles). Have pity. Maybe it is hard for her to watch your life turn out so great and that’s why she acts like it’s “annoying”.

I still think if there’s a gut instinct you should talk about it. But ask him this: is it that you’re putting her down so much that’s bothering him? Perhaps this anger and frustration looks more like hatred to people on the outside and he’s worried he’s never seen this side of you before?

I know I complain about women making the wrong choices to my fiance and he just listens. But he KNOWS that what I say is out of frustration and sadness for that person. Maybe you should make that clear?  

Post # 11
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I have to agree with the others that your Fiance doesn’t sound like he has a crush on her.  But I do understand your side, it sounds like you are extremely frustrated with your friend. 

Every friendship goes through times like that.  Your Fiance probably sees your attitude changing toward your friend and is responding to that.  Like if you weren’t mad at her you’d want to know what was going on with her (here’s a link in case you’re curious http://women.webmd.com/endometriosis/endometriosis-topic-overview ). 

So i guess my advice would be to figure out how to address what’s going on with your friend or if you don’t want to do that how to lessen contact with her.  But try not to use your Fiance as a punching bag substitute for your friend or be too consumed with her behavior that all you talk about to him is her.

Post # 12
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I totally understand where you’re coming from.  I was in a similar situation.  I knew that I couldn’t expect my friend to do what I thought was right.  She wasn’t going to listen to my advice, nor would she appreciate the support I gave her throughout the years.  But I realized that I can’t save everyone, the friendship had become toxic.  And we’re merely acquaintances now.  It sounds like that’s the case for you too, this friendship doesn’t even sound healthy.  I don’t know that you two are meant to be friends.  It doesn’t seem like either of you is invested in it (at least anymore) anyway.  So from an outside perspective, the problem here has nothing to do with your Fiance, its with you and your friend.

Post # 13
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like you’re having a lot of self-doubt and feeling perhaps a bit insecure. It doesn’t sound like there is anything going on, but if you seriously feel like something might be going on than you need to communicate with your Fiance and talk honestly with him about it.

Personally, I enjoy the fact that my Fiance gets along with my friends and I get along with his. I wouldn’t be best friends with someone if I didn’t think I could trust her with my Fiance. From your post it doesn’t sound like you two are the best of friends, but perhaps that might just be because you’re very stressed and upset about the situation. If your friend comes over again and is hanging out all over the place I’d say something to her (in private) and let her know that you’re not comfortable with her having her legs open and her boobs out (or whatever). If she’s a good friend she should respect this. If she doesn’t respect that request, then that says a lot about her and your friendship.

Maybe your Fiance is feeling confused because you’re playing up her flaws to try and make yourself feel better/make sure he’s not into her (I’m not saying this is the case, and I’m not trying to offend, just offering up a possibility). I know my Fiance would be confused if I said a lot of negative things about my best friend.

Just a few thoughts!

Post # 14
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Ok, this is going to sound harsh, but I am telling you the truth for your own good.  What your are saying is completely irrational.  You sound like you are crazy jealous for no reason whatsoever.  Look at what you’ve written- your Fiance noticed that your BFF didn’t gain much weight after having kids- so what?  That’s a perfectly reasonable and objective observation.  If he said “oh, she looks smoking hot!” that would have been one thing, but talking about whether or not someone gained weight?  That doesn’t mean anything!  Asking you for more information about a medical condition your BFF has, one that you told him about in the first place, that’s perfectly reasonable!  Why shouldn’t he ask about that?  What would you want him to do, show no interest in the things you talk to him about? And she wore a tank top one day?  Who cares, plenty of people wear tank tops, and it’s not like your Fiance told her to wear it, he had no control over that. He laughed when she said something funny- well what are you supposed to do when someone says something funny, cry?  And you know what, if I heard you saying all these negative things about the person who you claim is your BFF, I would probably tell you to ease up on her too. 

I would suggest you might want to look into counseling for yourself.  This jealously you have is not healthy or normal, and if you keep over analyzing and critiquing every little thing your Fiance does like this you are going to put your relationship in danger.  Please try to let this go and learn to trust the man you are going to marry.

Post # 15
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m sorry but I kind of agree with greenleafmountain. I do understand being frustrated and I do see your side, however, I really don’t understand how you came to believe that your Fiance was interested in your best friend. Everything you’ve mentioned seems perfectly normal to me. If I told my Fiance that my best friend had some kind of disease I’d be pretty mad at him if he didn’t seem interested. That just shows he cares, and it also shows that hes listening to you which is a good thing! 🙂

While you might not agree with everything your friend does, you should probably stop all the name calling. Saying she has no class is just mean and I’d be devastated if I found out my bff was saying that hurtful of things behind my back. If you want her to better herself and her kids lives that’s one thing, but complaining about how she looks is completely irrelevant and just harsh. You never mentioned that she was mean or a bad friend or anything, you just said you don’t like her choice in men, clothing or the way she cleans her house which seem a little judgmental to me. It may be different from the way you do it, but that doesn’t make it ok for you to put down your friend like that in my opinion.

I think you are probably just feeling a little insecure, you mentioned you were after gaining some baby weight, which is totally understandable, but you shouldn’t let it cloud your judgment this way. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about with your Fiance and rather than spending so much energy focusing on what your bff is doing you should take some time to focus on yourself and deal with the insecurity so that it don’t come between you and your fiance or your bff. I’m not saying your an awful person for thinking these things, but I just think that your relationships could really suffer if you focus on little details too much. Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

All I have to say is listen to your gut! Women’s intuition is a pretty awesome thing.

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