(Closed) Does “not ready” ever change?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@maymay12:I’m confused.  So he wanted to be together for sure before, but now he is not sure?  Don’t let him string you along is all I’m gonna say about it.  He’s either with you and knows he wants to be in the future, or he should let you go.

Post # 4
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Me too, I think we need some clarification. Before, did he ever say that he was certain he would be ready for marriage? Or is it possible that he hasn’t been sure all along?

Post # 6
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@maymay12: I will tell you from my experience, I was with my EX for 4 1/2 years and thats all I got from him was “we will see when the time comes”. I would ask him “well do you want to be with me?” He would say “yes” but he wouldnt ever say he wanted to be married to me and so on… I knew this after two years of being with him thinking I could change his mind. Well hunny, I suffered big time, I waited 2 1/2 more years with the loser and still nothing. On the other hand if I wouldn’t have stayed so long I would have never met the love of my life who I will be marrying. You need to have a serios talk about your future with him, if he cant tell you exactly what he wants with you in the next year then I would leave seems like he is just dragging you along. Just my opinion… Hope this helps

Post # 8
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@maymay12: I think I can say from my experience that yes, it can, but it’s a risk and it can take a LONG time to pay off. I asked my guy 3 years in what he thought about us, the future, etc. and he said he didn’t know.  We are JUST NOW (6.5 years) getting to a point where he’s asked about ring size and said that things will happen soon. 

Could it have not worked out? Yes, he may have truly been “not ready” then but may have changed his mind 2 years in and realized we had grown apart, or it’s not what he wanted in a relationship (and bear in mind that he hasn’t proposed yet, so even though things look optomistic it could still happen!). But I loved him enough, and didn’t need to be married enough at that point in time that I was willing to give him those years.

So if you have years to wait and are willing to take that gamble there is a chance that it can work out. If you are looking to get married within the year and want something more sure you may have to look elsewhere. 

Post # 9
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

I personally wouldn’t wait on someone who doesn’t know- they are blocking you from people who MAY know before they do but it is your choice. I wouldn’t move in or anything with him until the know SOMETHING though.

Post # 10
Member
37 posts
Newbee

Believe me I am walking in your shoes right now.  I know how much it hurts.  Read my post if you are curious.

What I’m doing now is taking the focus off of him and focusing on ME instead.  Sounds corny, but I’ve been reading a lot about self worth online.  There’s so much to be learned.  When I read this stuff, I feel like I’m learning it for the first time, even though I always “knew” I had it.  In my relationship, I neglected my own worth, which is why I am in the situation I am in.  Learning about this (or re-learning) has been instrumental in my healing.

I am still really sad though.  All I can do is think about it.  But I know that I am worth someone who doesn’t have to sit around and think, “hmmmmmm… I don’t know if she’s the one… I’m not sure, blah blah.  Am I wondering if he’s the one?  Nope.  I KNEW he was the one after only 3 months.  Is this really fair to me or you?  No.

Sorry if I’m all over the place.  I’m in a sad state of mind and that’s all I have right now 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@maymay12:  I think you have to set a time limit for yourself and stick to it. Sometimes “not ready” does change. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to ask yourself how much longer you are willing to wait to find out. In your case, the possibility that he might be moving away in September complicates things, because you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to move with him as well.

Or maybe that makes the decision a bit clearer. It’s a tangible “step” in the relationship that you can decide not to take with him. It’s a clear line that both of you can see.

I’m sorry, there is no easy choice. As @Taylor4: says, it’s always a gamble. All you can do is set a limit for yourself and know when you need to cut your losses.

Post # 13
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@maymay12: I’m sorry.  Speaking from a hell of a lot of experience though, you will be fine.  It’s always difficult to experience a loss with a long term partner, but take some time to heal and get out there.  Dating at 27 is way different than dating at 20, 25, etc.  I met wonderful men who were very honest with what they were looking for.  It took about 8 months before I met my Fiance.  Good luck. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

I am very sorry- but I am glad he didn’t string you along. Now you are free to meet better men who will know if you are the one or not.

Post # 15
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@maymay12: I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I want you to know that it is probably for the best. The same thing happened to a good friend, and it is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Her boyfriend of 3 years (2+ living together) was applying for MBA out of state. The plan was for her to move wherever he got into school and for them to get engaged (she didn’t want to move across the country for a “boyfriend”). 2 weeks before they moved, he told her that he wasn’t ready to get engaged and he didn’t think he would ever want to marry her.

She was devistated, but she agreed it was best. A few months later, she met the most wonderful guy and she is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. I know he has bought a ring and is going to propose on their 2nd anniversary.

If she would have moved with her ex, there would have been a very good chance that she would be alone in a city where she didn’t know anyone, with no job, and he would be too wrapped up in school and homework to focus on their relationship. Knowing her, they would have broken up eventually, and it would have been much more painful.

Keep your chin up!!

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