(Closed) Does saving yourselves for marriage do more harm than good?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

tabbytren:  I think it’s fine to wait before marriage as long as you have excellent communication, and expectations are discussed. It is possible to know someone without sleeping with them. You can put time and energy into a relationship and save actual sex for marriage if you so choose. I believe any two people can be compatible lovers. It just takes practice 😉

In some of the recent posts you’ve mentioned, I believe the poster was outright lied to. That’s fraud IMO, and I believe an annulment is okay under those circumstances.

Post # 3
860 posts
Busy bee

I don’t believe that waiting in itself is bad (though it would never, ever be something that I chose). However, I believe that purity culture is incredibly incredibly damaging to both men and women, and that very little good ever comes out of it.

For me, my sexual needs and desires changed and developed a lot since I became sexually active. Even though I’m with the same person I was back then, I can’t imagine going through that after marriage. We got lucky and our developed sexual feelings meshed well in the end, but we could very easily have had completely different tastes.  

Post # 5
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I do think that saving yourselves for marriage is the best way to go. However my husband and I did not, but it Is something we wish we had done. If people choose their spouses wisely for the PERSON they are then the sex will be compatible as each one puts the others needs above their own.. and sex takes practice, and what good does having slept with those other guys do for me in the bedroom with my husband? Nothing bc obvs I’m with hubby not those other guys. Like a pp said there must be communication, but without communication no relationship,sexual or not is gonna work.  Just thought I would throw another perspective in this thread.  

Post # 6
916 posts
Busy bee

tabbytren:  While every couple is different, and every individual is different, I’m a pretty firm believer that you know your S.O better, if you are intimate with them, in that way. To me, that is the CLOSEST (physically and emotionally) that you can be with someone, so to not do that has always stumped me. I have to say, I wouldn’t love, understand, and be as close with S.O if I wasn’t sexually active with them. You just learn SO much. I also think it’s important to live with someone before marriage, because you REALLY get to know that person. But again, just my opinion. Sometimes religion has a part in it (especially in terms of waiting for sex) and I guess since I’m agnostic, waiting had NEVER been a though on my mind. It is completely and totally possible for you to be in love with someone, but NOT be on the same physical connection with them. It happened to me-really awesome guy, but we were into two totally different ‘flavors’ I guess. But if I hadn’t tried and been active, I could have married him and had it blow up in my face. 

Many people think ‘If you’re really in love, you’ll work it out.’ But you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to settle, and yes, I believe not finding a partner who embraces your sexual taste and desires are settling. It’s just as important as agreeing on politics, religion, etc. 

So in the end, no, I do not think it’s a wise choice for a large variety of reasons. But to each their own 🙂

Post # 8
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I agree with trying before you buy! my Fiance and I are both atheist and have no religious inhibitions about sex. I was never sure enough about a guy to allow him to have sex with me, so my Fiance was my first (after just a month of knowing each other!) and omg! It was amazing!! I have nothing to compare it to but I know we are super compatible sexually and if the sex WASNT as good as it is, I think I might not have been so certain that this was the man I wanted to marry. 

I think experiencing sexual exploration with a person is very important BEFORE you get married bc I know if I had been laughed at for the “kinky” things I wanted to try I would not have felt as comfortable with my Fiance and a healthy sexual relationship has always been very important to me! 

Post # 9
6538 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I agree with SilverWire. Waiting is everyone’s choice, and if that’s what they want, then great. But the idea of “saving yourself” is absurd to me. Women are worth far more than their virginity, and to make that some sort of prize is ridiculous. “Purity culture” assumes the worst about both men and women and I agree that it is damaging to both sexes in many ways. 

Post # 10
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I dated a man who I was madly in love with. All his friends said that I was a female version of him. We just clicked. I remember on the first date, at dinner, thinking “I could talk with this man for the rest of my life”. The kissing, OMG, the kissing was the best kissing I had ever expereince. I still haven’t had kissing that was that amazing. I could not wait to have sex. OMG-horrible. And it never got better. We just didn’t like the same stuff. No amount of talking or compromising would have worked. It was just 2 different styles. (And neither one of us was into kinky things. Just 2 different ways to have very vanilla sex.) I was so heartbroken that someone I was so connected to, that I loved so much who is the best kisser ever, we just couldn’t make it work in the bedroom. 

If we had been married already, it would have been a disaster. I think sex is very, very important. And if you aren’t compatible it will destroy your marriage. 

Post # 11
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

Please don’t feel “worried” for your friend. She (or anyone else whose sexual choices are different from your own) doesn’t need your pity.

Post # 12
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

@yourhandinmine. I 100% agree with you. You “you gotta try befote you buy” and not just the sex, living together is supper important.

Post # 13
111 posts
Blushing bee

There is a ton of research showing that couples who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates. Food for thought.

Post # 14
472 posts
Helper bee

Research says it depends on what age you live together before you get married is what effects divorce rates.  It says getting married before 23 is a bad idea.  However, Every couple is unique.  I’ve met many couples who moved in when they were 18 and have been together 50+ years!  I personally did not wait until marriage for sex.  I could die in a car accident, tomorrow and never have had sex with the love of my life! That would suck. Of course I would be dead so it wouldn’t matter but it’s the idea that sucks lol

Post # 15
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Lot of underhanded snide remarks about what pretty much boils down to religious belief in this thread.

As in any relationship, if you are waiting till marriage you need to have good communication and fully discuss future expectations and desires. People waiting probably need to learn to become better at communicating in ways other than sex than the average couple prior to marriage.

There are always going to be relationships where one party is hit with some sort of nasty shock. The one lady whose husband is impotent (or maybe just asexual or gay) is not in any way representative of how most virgin till wedding marriages go.

Saying it is is like saying that women who find out their husbands have been serially cheating the entire time they were dating should attribute that to the fact that the man was sexually active – it’s a ridiculous notion because not only do those two things have nothing to do with each other, but it is such a tiny percent of how relationships that were sexually active before marriage go.

For what it’s worth, women who have had only one sex partner report generally more satisfied sex lives, and there is a correlation between higher amounts of sex partners and lower sexual satisfaction. Virginal marriages have lower divorce rates, and couples that cohabited prior to marriage have slightly higher than those who did not. 

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