(Closed) Does saving yourselves for marriage do more harm than good?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

I grew up catholic and waited until I was 20 and in a year long relationship with My Boyfriend or Best Friend until I first had sex. I was ready and didn’t jump into the sack until I was in love. I have no regrets about that time even with my strict upbringing.

I could just not imagine a marriage where you don’t have that first-hand intimate knowledge before taking the plunge.

The thread you are referring to showed the couple had “NO” physical relationship at all yet she still married this man for some crazy reason. 

Post # 18
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

tabbytren:  Your friend is an adult and I am sure she can take care of herself, but I’m sure she’d appreciate your condescending view of her life.

Post # 19
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Correlation is not the same as causation. There is a correlation between increased ice cream sales and violent crimes, but ice cream obviously doesn’t cause violence. Living life based on statistics would be a very depressing life since studies on the same topic can have conflicting results. Do what is right for you and your SO.

Post # 22
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

fleurdelisbee:  I would be interested to see of the couples who did not cohabitate before marriage what proportion did so due to religious beliefs, and whether the rate of divorce in that sub-group differed significantly from the general study population? 

I was raised Catholic (although I’d say my parents are pretty liberal Catholics!) but certainly wasn’t ever taught that sex was something to be ashamed of, or that my value as a person or as a wife would be diminished by having sex prior to marriage.  From what I’ve read there are many couples who struggle with the transition from abstaining at all costs to having an active sex life as a married couple. And as others have mentioned, sexual incompatibility can be a relationship-ending issue. I’m firmly in the try-before-you-buy camp!! 

Post # 24
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

For one, I don’t think it’s a good idea to “save yourself before marriage.” And I say that as someone who used to believe in that. I know it’s a part of a lot of people’s religion (I am a Christian myself) but I don’t think having sex before marriage is any type of sin. The whole purity culture is incredibly harmful in so many ways (Elizabeth Smart – the mormon kidnap survivor who was sexually assaulted by the perpetrators – has done some really good articles/speeches on this). I also know plenty of people who are married who have only ever had sex with their spouse, so it’s not necessarily sex before marriage = multiple sex partners (although obviously this is most likely to happen). Obviously this is a very personal choice to make, but I do personally think it can be very harmful.

Post # 26
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m not sure how helpful this thread is. I for my part never post on a thread by saying “If only you hadn’t started having sex with him…”, because it doesn’t help.

I have absolutely no regrets about waiting. Also, over a long marriage, we change so much (most notably my body changes during and after pregnancy), I’m not sure if sexual compatability pre-marriage would have helped us at all. I think open communication pre-marriage is what’s more important.

Post # 27
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

tabbytren:  And every relationship is unique. I list statistics only because often times the common wisdom is that it is absolute relationship suicide to not have sex before marriage, or to not live together first, but statistics show that it really turns out fine as much or more for those who don’t follow that. But individuals’ lives are not owned by statistics, nor is the success of their marriages.

Post # 28
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Post # 29
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

tabbytren:  I definitely think it can do harm, and I don’t think it does much good UNLESS you believe that pre-marital sex will send you to hell. Then I see why you’d wait. As an atheist, I see no benefit for MYSELF in waiting for marriage (and it never even crossed my mind to do so) and I won’t be teaching my kids to wait, either. But I’m sure other people think waiting is the right choice for them, and that’s just fine.

Post # 30
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

fleurdelisbee:  true. My Fiance and I are waiting and have both had previous partners. I KNOW there is chemistry there and can’t wait for it. Communicaon is key. We don’t live together either but see how the other lives. We have also focused mre on the friendship/spiritual aspect. My parents and his parents did the same, no regrets.

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