Post # 16
I grew up catholic and waited until I was 20 and in a year long relationship with My Boyfriend or Best Friend until I first had sex. I was ready and didn’t jump into the sack until I was in love. I have no regrets about that time even with my strict upbringing.
I could just not imagine a marriage where you don’t have that first-hand intimate knowledge before taking the plunge.
The thread you are referring to showed the couple had “NO” physical relationship at all yet she still married this man for some crazy reason.
Post # 17
fleurdelisbee: Haha food for thought Yes but how much of that is because of obligation/religion. I think it’s kinda safe to assume that a lot of those people who save themselves for marriage are religious and also feel that divorce is a sin? No??
How many of those couples are utterly miserable but stick it out? To me, that’s not a success by any means!
I wonder what % of those couples would divorce if they didn’t feel like it would be a failure/sin.
I know a couple who has been married for 15 years and the are openly extremely miserable. But they are devout Christians and do not believe in divorce. She even got her tubes tied IN SECRET (told her Darling Husband she was going away on business) after baby #1 because she hated having sex/being a parent with him so much.
Post # 18
tabbytren: Your friend is an adult and I am sure she can take care of herself, but I’m sure she’d appreciate your condescending view of her life.
Post # 19
Correlation is not the same as causation. There is a correlation between increased ice cream sales and violent crimes, but ice cream obviously doesn’t cause violence. Living life based on statistics would be a very depressing life since studies on the same topic can have conflicting results. Do what is right for you and your SO.
Post # 21
acesandeights: I have been with my SO for almost 8 years and we were each other’s firsts. We waited over a year to have sex as well cos we wanted to be in love.
It worked out well for us. We are equally kinky and have a truly beautiful relationship in every way. I genuinely feel as though he is my soulmate. BUT if we had not had sex and then realised after getting married that we weren’t sexually compatible… gosh, I think that would be so damaging. To me, sex is huge. We bond in a big when we have sex and to go in blindly would be so scary!!! What if it sucks? What if he’s into some crazy stuff and you’re vanilla?
Meh – each to their own 🙂
Post # 22
fleurdelisbee: I would be interested to see of the couples who did not cohabitate before marriage what proportion did so due to religious beliefs, and whether the rate of divorce in that sub-group differed significantly from the general study population?
I was raised Catholic (although I’d say my parents are pretty liberal Catholics!) but certainly wasn’t ever taught that sex was something to be ashamed of, or that my value as a person or as a wife would be diminished by having sex prior to marriage. From what I’ve read there are many couples who struggle with the transition from abstaining at all costs to having an active sex life as a married couple. And as others have mentioned, sexual incompatibility can be a relationship-ending issue. I’m firmly in the try-before-you-buy camp!!
Post # 23
arabbel: boo hoo.. That’s not how it is at all. Just the other night we went on a double date with them and they were scoffing at us because we said we needed to get home and do the recycling as the next day was collection day.
They both made this hugely rude song and dance about how mundane our lives sounded. They also poked fun at the fact that I cook/clean have a household to run on top of work. Almost as if it hadn’t crossed their minds that they’ll be doing it in less than 6 months. Running their own home… day in and day out.
They both live with their parents and meet up for dates… that is the extent of their life experience so far. I just pray it’s not too much for them to handle.
Post # 24
For one, I don’t think it’s a good idea to “save yourself before marriage.” And I say that as someone who used to believe in that. I know it’s a part of a lot of people’s religion (I am a Christian myself) but I don’t think having sex before marriage is any type of sin. The whole purity culture is incredibly harmful in so many ways (Elizabeth Smart – the mormon kidnap survivor who was sexually assaulted by the perpetrators – has done some really good articles/speeches on this). I also know plenty of people who are married who have only ever had sex with their spouse, so it’s not necessarily sex before marriage = multiple sex partners (although obviously this is most likely to happen). Obviously this is a very personal choice to make, but I do personally think it can be very harmful.
Post # 25
arabbel: I wonder then how we will fair. Having been virgins when we met and having only been with each other but living together before marriage. Hmmm
I know no one can predict based on stats etc. Was a really honest question that stemmed from me thinking of my soon-to-be-wed friends.
On the greater scheme of things SO and I are very old-school where we are from. Marriage itself isn’t all that common… We have been together longer than almost our entire circle of friends put together yet are the only ones with no children. We do attend church with our families (though I am not sure I believe in everything – that’s a whole new thread though!!!), we are highschool sweethearts and are very conservative.
I created this thread to spark open discussion. Please bees, try not to be snide. At the end of the day, your journey is your own and no one else’s
Post # 26
I’m not sure how helpful this thread is. I for my part never post on a thread by saying “If only you hadn’t started having sex with him…”, because it doesn’t help.
I have absolutely no regrets about waiting. Also, over a long marriage, we change so much (most notably my body changes during and after pregnancy), I’m not sure if sexual compatability pre-marriage would have helped us at all. I think open communication pre-marriage is what’s more important.
Post # 27
tabbytren: And every relationship is unique. I list statistics only because often times the common wisdom is that it is absolute relationship suicide to not have sex before marriage, or to not live together first, but statistics show that it really turns out fine as much or more for those who don’t follow that. But individuals’ lives are not owned by statistics, nor is the success of their marriages.
Post # 29
tabbytren: I definitely think it can do harm, and I don’t think it does much good UNLESS you believe that pre-marital sex will send you to hell. Then I see why you’d wait. As an atheist, I see no benefit for MYSELF in waiting for marriage (and it never even crossed my mind to do so) and I won’t be teaching my kids to wait, either. But I’m sure other people think waiting is the right choice for them, and that’s just fine.
Post # 30
fleurdelisbee: true. My Fiance and I are waiting and have both had previous partners. I KNOW there is chemistry there and can’t wait for it. Communicaon is key. We don’t live together either but see how the other lives. We have also focused mre on the friendship/spiritual aspect. My parents and his parents did the same, no regrets.