- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm
I’ve scanned this site a few times in the last few months, trying to figure out my answers, but now I’ve decided to join because I really need some advice. Sorry for the length but I really need to get this out
I’m so sick of waiting, it’s destroying me. My entire day can be robbed by hearing someone talk about their upcoming wedding or seeing something on TV. And literally everyone I know is recently married or engaged, so it’s in my face constantly. I pretty much hate them all. And I hate feeling like this but I don’t know how to get past it. At this point, I’m already coming up with illness excuses to get out of attending friends’ wedding in May. I just don’t think I can sit there with a smile on my face while I feel like dying the whole time.
My boyfriend and I have been together for most of the last five years. He had some substance abuse issues to work through, which led to some separation at times, but I’ve always been there for him and stood by him. He’s been doing great for almost 2 years now and we’ve been doing great also (at least I think so).
I started bringing engagement and rings up seriously in Nov. After a huge blow out over my asking if he needed my ring size for Christmas that ended with my telling him that i can’t continue to be with him if engagement isn’t what he wants, he agreed to get me a ring by May, as I can’t stand the thought of attending another wedding single. But then in the months following, whenever I would talk about it, he’d shut down or get pissed off. Finally I confronted him BC I really felt like he had just been agreeing with the may timeline to get me off his case. He admitted that he wasn’t ready to get engaged yet, said he didn’t like feeling pressured, and that we fight a lot so he’s not sure. (Our fighting almost always comes down to this issue BTW).
So after that, I figured I needed to back off, that maybe it was just the nagging that was the issue. And so for the last month, things have been going really well. I haven’t brought it up really at all, except for last week when he was talking about me, him, and the dog being a family and I said families have mommies and daddies that are married. He said we will be soon. So I was honestly thinking that maybe we were still on the may timeline.
I should mention that during this whole time, we’ve been talking about buying a house when our lease is up in the fall, and we’re planning on starting the approval process in the next couple months. (Or I was until yesterday anyway).
Yesterday I made the mistake of watching snooki’s wedding and I got really sad. He asked me a couple times what was wrong so I told him. He told me that we can get engaged after we buy a house, that he can’t buy a ring cuz of buying the house and he’s trying to start his business. Then he started talking some nonsense about how if we get engaged I’ll be getting angry with him cuz I’ll want him to pick out teacups and hell be too busy (wth?!?). I started sobbing even harder and he was totally confused. He knows how important this is to me tho, so I don’t know why he’s confused. I’ve told him that it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, that he’s holding out for something better to come along. I should mention that I’ll be 31 this year and he’s 32.
I just feel like every time we talk about this, there’s a different excuse why he can’t, if I get an answer at all. He says he wants to marry me, but I feel like he’s going to keep putting me off forever. I don’t understand it, his parents have been married 35 years, his little sister got married last year (they started dating the same time as us) and like I said, everyone around us is pulling the trigger.
People have mentioned that if he’s planning on buying a house with me, he must want long term commitment, but I don’t know if I believe that; it’s really possible that he doesn’t see buying a house that way. Or its possible that he just wants a girlfriend for the next 30 years.
This is something I want more than anything, and if it’s not gonna happen, that’s a deal breaker for me. So now I’m considering a couple of things.
1. Should I offer to throw in extra money towards the down payment if he uses part of his savings to buy a ring, or is that like I’m bribing him? I definitely don’t want to feel like I have to pay him to propose… And not to mention how awful I’ll feel if he still refuses, confirming that it has nothing to do with the house
2. Should I tell him that I’m not comfortable buying a house with someone without a long term commitment? This will really throw a wrench in his plans, as I definitely have more saved for the down payment than he does.
3. Or should I keep my fingers crossed that he means what he says about proposing after we buy the house when the business could very likely become the next excuse why he can’t?
I’m so confused and hurt and I’m starting to really resent him and all the power he has in this situation. Please help. It would be really great to hear from other women who have dealt with this stuff and found a solution to getting through it without going crazy.