(Closed) does soon ever come???

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2698 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

You should not buy a house with a man you’re not married to, if you were engaged with a date certain I’d be somewhat ok with it but this is a definite no. As far as your relationship, stop talking about getting engaged and move out and dump this guy. I spent over a year waiting for a guy who was always on the cusp of proposing. When I realized it was never going to happen I was literally sobbing on the floor of LAX in a little ball waiting for a flight back to NYC. I dumped him when he couldn’t commit and met my hubby who proposed in short order. i hate to say this but men either want to be married or they don’t, if he’d wanted to marry you he would have. Hurry up and move on so you can find a guy excited to spend his life with you not one you have to wrangle.

Post # 3
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry you have to go through this and I totally understand how it upsets you that other couples get engaged and married all the time. I feel the same- I’m still waiting for a proposal (but we’ve ‘only’ been dating for almost three years) meanwhile everyone I know seems to get married and engaged on Facebook. It can be hard, but I just try to not compare myself to them.

I think 5 years is more than enough to get married since you’re both over 30 (I would have had a different opinion of you both were 20-26). To answer your questions:

 

1. I think you shoudn’t throw extra money towards the downpayment. BUT I would tell him if finances are really an issue you’re willing to pick out the ring with him and split the price. I would also tell him you don’t want anything expensive, not an expensive ring or a huge wedding. If finances are really the issue, it could be easily solved like this. 

2. Yes, you should. I have told mine the same. I would tell him you won’t buy a house til you’re engaged at least.

3. No, you shouldn’t keep your fingers crossed because it’s very possible that it will just lead to another disappointment. 

 

Offer him what I said in #1 (split price etc.), then drop the topic completly for a while and focus on yourself. Don’t give him an ultimatum, but set yourself a deadline in your mind and if he hasn’t proposed by then and is still making up excuses, I would leave.

Post # 4
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you two are on completely different pages. He keeps making excuses and coming up with reasons why “now” isn’t the time and for you it is. And no, I wouldn’t purchase a house with this man if you’re this unsure about your future together. You need to have a sit down talk with this guy and lay all your cards out on the table. Don’t let him bullshit you or come up with lame excuses. 

Post # 5
Member
3535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
cherryiice:  do not buy a house with a man U r not 110% sure is going to marry u. And please do not give him money for a down payment!!! (We saw that on the boards a couple days ago). 

Post # 6
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I know it can be hard waiting, I haven’t personally experienced it, but I do sympathise. In saying that I don’t think you should be already at the point of bubbling resentment at 5 years in. Yes you are both in your 30’s, and yes everyone around you seems to have what you want, but they aren’t you and your partner, and he wouldn’t still be with you if he didn’t love you and want to be with you.

Also I doubt he would be buying a home with you just because he cant afford ot otherwise. He is locking himself into a contractwith you for the next 30 years. He has to be serious about you if he is doing that. The effort to get out of it is so muhc, I doubt he would risk it if he didn’t think he would be with you that whole time.

I don’t think it is fair to say you don’t wantto go to the next wedding single, since youre not, youre in a long term relationship, that seems very dirsepectful to your partner.

Also since you said you are starting to hate all your friends that have what you want, I would maybe start evaluating whether this is starting to consume you, since that does not sound healthy at all.

I would see it like this: is it fair to expect a 2carat engagement ring because everyone you know is getting 2 carat rings and you don’t think it is too much to ask?

Is it fair to expect your partner to go bunjy jumping with you because all of your friends are going, even if he doesn’t feel ready to take that leap?

If it was reversed and you weren’t ready for something, say to have sex with him when you first started dating, would you be okay with him rushing and pressuring you to have sex because you know it’s something he wants?

After 7+ years, yea I can understand resentment, but at this point I think you should take a step back, hope that he will propose by may, and if he doesn’t reevaluate your relationship and whether he is worth it at that point.

If marriage is more important to you than the love you have for this man, you should leave and find someone who can give you that, but you may end up regretting it if you think this man is the one.

Post # 7
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Do not, do not, do not, do NOT buy a house with a boyfriend who is “on the fence.” This issue has been brought up multiple times the last 2-3 weeks and general consensus is go ahead and move in together if you’d like, but do not put your money and name on the home.  There are so many cases on the boards here where a couple who went into purchasing a home **WITHOUT** clear communication and serious timelines and the “wait” never changes. New excuses come up like he just emptied his bank so he needs time to replenish it, or the HVAC unit broke and all the money is going to that, or he wants to upgrade the kitchen and bathrooms so he wants to save for that, to he’s saying we have already signed a 30 yr contract together why a marriage liscence….Trust me, it will not end and you’ll be back here 9-12 months from now asking the Bee what should you do because you bought the house and he still doesnt want to talk about it. If he really wants a house, he can buy it, and you can pay him rent, but do not get yourself wrangled up in a hot legal mess when you all end up breaking up because the wait just kept on going well after the home was purchased. You can cut your losses alot easier that way and simply move out and stop paying rent etc.  

Yes, there are people who will say “I bought a house without an enagement and my now husband proposed 3 months later” BUT please realize those couples were already WELL on track and the engagement/marriage was a SURE THING so the order of things didnt matter. I’m worried you and your SO do not have that solid foundation like the success stories you hear about, and therefore I highly advise against purchasing a home and committing yourself financially to someone (for at least 30 yrs) who can’t seem to decide if he wants commit to you for a lifetime.

Post # 8
Member
5780 posts
Bee Keeper

So many things to address so hope you don’t mind if I point form it:

1. Waiting & Weddings. I totally get how frustrating and roller-coaster-emotions waiting can be- but it sounds like you’ve reached such a toxic level of resentment that you are planning to not go to a friend’s wedding unless you can go with a ring on your finger. You need to get yourself out of this unhealthy mindset, you’re allowing this issue to destroy you emotionally.

2. Timelines. The two of you have different timelines. You want engagement first, house later & he wants a house. Don’t cave on this one. Seriously. You’re not fine with postponing the engagement & so not being engaged will continue to erode your emotional well being & cause problems in the relationship. I’ve heard way too often (both people I know locally & on the Bee) of engagements being pushed even further onto the backburner once house expenses enter the picture. Have a talk about what you both want and see if there is any room for compromise that doesn’t pressure the other or make either of you unhappy.

3. Wedding Planning. Your SO seems to have stereotypical notions of you picking out china patterns and obsessing over floral arrangements. Do you want a big fancy wedding? A casual event? A small, intimate affair? If SO is freaking out inside over the idea of a $30-40K wedding when you’d be perfectly happy with a $3-4K wedding, this could be a factor as he may see ‘Engagement & Wedding First’ as potentially pushing your home buying timelin

Post # 9
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
jily:  I completely agree with you. I first started talking about it in January & now my SO won’t stop talking about it. He even is getting impatient waiting for a diamond he ordered to come in. 

 

i think it’s time to move on. 

Post # 10
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
cherryiice:  My last relationship was like this.  My advice: don’t give in; it is essential you remain strong no matter how weak and discouraged you feel.  You want marriage and you have every right to want it.  Don’t buy a house with him, don’t bribe him in any way.  Let him know if he isn’t ready to get engaged that you are not interested in purchasing a house and you will need to start making other arrangements.  That is all.  No tears, no pressure.

If he lets you go, he wasn’t husband material anyway.

I thought my life was over when my ex and I split up.  Everyone around me was engaged and married.  I met someone new and I am happy every day I walked out of that relationship and gave myself a fresh start.  Case in point – you’ll be just fine.  For real.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  devi514.
Post # 11
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

Women are so afraid to talk about marriage at the beginning of a relationship, I wish it wasn’t so. I think it is 100% acceptable, and even necessary. When my boyfriend and I met a year ago, I brought up marriage within the first 2 weeks. He told me he didn’t believe in the institution and that marriage can ruin a perfectly good relationship and bla bla bla. In response, I told him that I love the idea of marriage and that I have no intention of wasting my time with someone who wasn’t interested in marrying me. We moved on from the converstaion and 2 months later he told me that he was 100% sure that I was the woman he wanted to marry. We are now ring shopping and we talk about our wedding plans all the time. Moral of the story is a man should be willing to do ANYTHING to make you happy especially if it’s something so important to you that you have shed tears about it. I don’t believe in the: “we’ve been together 5 years but i’m not ready yet”. To me that screams insecurities about wanting to be with you and extreme selfishness. I’m sorry but I don’t think the foundation is there.

Post # 12
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

2. Should I tell him that I’m not comfortable buying a house with someone without a long term commitment? This will really throw a wrench in his plans, as I definitely have more saved for the down payment than he does.

THIS. You two are not currently on the same page; financially committing to him when you’re uncertain if or when he will give you the committment you want is a very risky move. While couples don’t need to be engaged or married before buying a home, it sounds like you do.

I won’t get into my personal story as I feel I’ve posted it to death and in this case it hardly matters. You need to be certain that either you are going to move forward in your relationship the way you feel is important or find a compromise that works for both of you. I think the most pressing need here is some frank discussion about goals for your relationship, trying to leave rings and teacups (and tears and heightened emotions) out of it. Get on the same page, discuss your timeline and goals and go from there, but what you want matters as well. And I wouldn’t sink any money into anything until I were sure. 

Post # 14
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
cherryiice:  I disagree with PPs, I know lots of people who have bought homes prior to being engaged or married.  If both your names are on the home you’re not giving him anything and therefore you’re not losing anything.  The home would be a joint venture and you’re equal partners.  If you’re concerned about your downpayment being larger, you can have a lawyer draw up an agreement like a pre-nup that says if you decide to sell you each get your original investment back plus half of whatever is left from the proceeds of sale (or if one of you buys the other out the same thing applies).

You need to decide if your priorities are in line.

DH and I agreed

Wedding > House > Babies, that was/is our priorty of events.  We disagree on the house over babies but we’ve agreed to revisit that conversation once our financial picture is more stable.

If you diagree on your priorities, I think you need to sit down and discuss them.  Think about WHY you want to get married before a house, not just because, you need to understand WHY that matters to you, so you can vocalize that to your Fiance.  A lot of times we get caught up in the I WANT but forget to explain WHY and that WHY is really important.

Post # 15
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think this relationship is maybe one that is unhealthy and has run its course. I’m sorry. 

It sounds like he isn’t listening to you and your needs, just thinking about the thing he wants without taking you into consideration.

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