Post # 1
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
to marry him??
My fi is amazing, seriously, sweetest guy I have ever met, does mostly everything thing for me.. but there are little things that annoy me sometimes..
He doesn’t know how to deal with me emotionally most of the time.. and I am a train wreck most of the time. And he’s a little less of a man then I would like him to be..
But really I guess what I am asking is it ok if i don’t find him the most attractive man, sometimes he’s very cute.. but most of the time he’s awkward. But I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy that I would say .. yup he’s hot. Maybe I have too high standards.. and should let them down a little.. Idk.. what do you all think??
Post # 3
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Well the fact that you are questioning your relationship is never a good sign.
A train wreck can be difficult to deal with, but if he still loves you and puts up with you thats a great sign. Learning to deal with that takes time. How long have you been together ?
In my opinion, the looks should not matter or be of high importance. Its all about how he treats you .
Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
@TopazWedding: he’s a little less of a man then I would like him to be..
Can you elaborate on that?
Post # 5
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
@ Beluga —My ex used to love sports and played on a mens softball league.. and I felt protected when I was around him.. he knew how to protect me. My fi now.. is learning how to make me feel more comfortable (protected) but not as much as I did with my ex. He also doesn’t like sports.. and sometimes he feels awkward to me when he is trying to be romantic..
@ Miss Argentina I question EVERYTHING.. I am indecisive and impulsive.. (although I’ve waited a year to really get into the planning so I could make sure it was right) I think this goes into my train wreck personality.
Post # 6
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
@TopazWedding: Well I think everyone could agree that their fiance annoys/gets on their nerves sometimes. Its human nature and thats what happens when you see someone all the time.
You say that you’re a “trainwreck” most of the time…what does that mean? Do you have low self esteem? You may want to consult a therapist and try and work on yourself before you go ‘gun-ho’ with wedding planning. You cant be a great wife to him if you hate yourself.
From your description though, that worries me. My Fiance is not the hottest man on the entire planet. I wouldnt want him to be. I love him JUST the way he is and I wouldnt want to change anything about the way he looks, from his hairy chest to his gray hairs. Seriously, I love his imperfections, and I know that he loves mine.
My Fiance doesnt ALWAYS say the perfect words at the perfect times, and sometimes we fight. But we make up, talk through our problems, and apologize.
Maybe you should seek some counseling/therapy on yourself to try and see what you arent “feeling” about this man..if that makes sense.
Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
And he’s a little less of a man then I would like him to be
what do you mean by this??? my husband can be accused of being sensitive and easy going because im a very strong personality in our relationship but that doesnt make him less of a man
He doesn’t know how to deal with me emotionally most of the time.. and I am a train wreck most of the time
this says more about you and your emotional state than him – why are you a train wreck and how does he react to you during these times?
personally i feel if you have concerns or issues before the wedding they dont get magically better after just because you are married. i also think if you have concerns you owe it to both of you to try to talk about it honestly as its unfair to the other partner if you are not 100% into being a active partner in the marriage and you are going into a marriage already seaching the exits – do you have someone you can talk to professionally to help you work through your feelings??
Post # 8
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, I’ve been severely depressed for years, battled an ED. Been on so many medications I wouldn’t even know where to start. Counseling has never helped.. I wish it would!
Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
The fact that you are asking this means that you shouldn’t get married.
I had cold feet and started really questioning and evaluating, which I think is smart since it’s the biggest decision in life, however the fact that you are questioning if you love him enough means this is headed for doom.
Post # 10
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
Honestly, if you’re comparing this man to your ex, you probably shouldn’t marry him. I’m not sure why you feel sports is such a manliness factor (my mom’s the sports fanatic in my family).
No man is perfect, and sometimes women can be hard to deal with emotionally (I definitely can relate!) but my Fiance is supportive in his own way and I know he tries. And I know most girls wouldn’t take a second glance for his looks, but I think my Fiance is the sexiest man alive because I love him and he’s mine 🙂 And that makes him really physically attractive to me.
How long have you been dating?
Post # 11
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
@TopazWedding: From your most current description, I would say that these feelings arent “normal”. I am more physically fit than my Fiance and know that I could take him in a fight. Does that make me question our relationship at all? No. And I dont compare him to my ex’s because he just does not compare to them at all. I suppose thats how you know if youre marrying the right person..if you cant picture yourself being with anyone else.
—sorry if this is getting too lovey-dovey…but I really think that if you want to spend your life with someone you should be able to love them how they deserve to be loved.
Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
If you’re a self described “train wreck” what steps are you taking to try to improve yourself? That seems like a more pressing issue here. If you can’t deal with yourself, you can’t really expect anyone else to.
Your post is lacking a lot of detail. No one can tell how much you love the man you’ve agreed to marry.
Post # 13
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
You are right.. there is a lot of detail left out. I would say it has wayyy more to do with me then him.
Post # 14
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
@TopazWedding: It sounds to me like you may not be ready to marry anybody right now, regardless of whether this guy is “right” for you. In my opinion, it is healthier to enter into a commitment feeling comfortable enough with yourself that you don’t need a man to protect you, and the fact that you say you’re a train wreck most of the time concerns me. It is impossible to be in a healthy relationship if you do not love yourself and feel comfortable with where you’re at in life. If that sounds like you, then I would recommend postponing and seeing a therapist to work on personal growth before making such a big life decision.
Post # 15
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
From what I’m hearing, what you feel may be love, but I’m not sure it’s unconditional love.
Wait, I’m not sure “unconditional” is the right word.
Meh. Anyway.
I think that if you’re going to be with someone for life, you’ve got to love them completely, in spite of, and really because of their flaws and foibles and fuckups. Like, yeah, your feet are ugly, but they’re effing adorable. Yeah, you throw like a girl, but I find it hilarious instead of threatening because I’m a happy feminist and that doesn’t reflect on our (irrelevant) adherence to a (arbitrary and dated) benchmark of our sexuality and consequent worth.
I’m not a relationship counselor, but I think that’s what one ought to feel before entering into a lifelong legal and spiritual contract.
It’s very possible that you’re going to feel that way about this guy someday. Maybe someday soon. I just don’t think you’re there yet. Or maybe you won’t be. I don’t know, but I don’t think you love him enough… yet.
All the usual disclaimers: I could be wrong, I don’t know you, just my opinion, etc. and so on to infinity and beyond.
Post # 16
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
You will most likely, question and second guess every guy and decision in your life if its your personality and part of a disorder.
What made you want to marry this guy?
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