Does this seem reasonable for what we're asking guests? (Destination wedding)

posted 6 months ago in Guests
Post # 76
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  Wait, I need to know where you found a flight to Italy from JFK (I presume or EWR, doesn’t matter), roundtrip to Italy for $500 during high season? Everytime i’ve gone to Italy to visit family from JFK or EWR it’s been at least a grand.

Post # 78
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m more confused than ever at how this villa works! So ok there’s a villa, it sleeps 30 approximately. You book it for a week at x$, with say, 10 rooms for you and your confirmed wedding people. Now what happens? If no one else from your wedding books that’s it, you pay x$ times a food multiplier per head? 

What about the extra rooms/suites whatever? Do people outside your wedding get to book them? Is this more like a standard hotel wedding than what I’m conceiving of as a villa, which to me implies exclusive booking of a large property? If so I stand corrected on the cost factor, but I’m really unsure what a villa is now. 

The one other thing I don’t get is how older relatives factor in. You don’t have any guests your parents care about who will find a long trip grueling? You and your fiancé don’t have any aunts or uncles in poor health that your parents desperately want there? No living grandparents? No one in your cousins or siblings with kids or a different economic bracket? Both sets of our parents flipped out on us during our wedding planning about how awful it would be if x relative couldn’t come, and we picked a hometown wedding designed around the idea of those folks attending. Some relatives who lived there didn’t come to the ceremony even though it was a 10 minute drive away and we had an ADA accessible location.

The reason I ask is not because I think you’re wrong about this it’s more like, asking you several times if you are prepared for the gauntlet. Weddings make sane people lose their minds. It gives crazy relatives and friends a real occasion to let loose. Italy is gonna multiply this. Are you truly and completely prepared for your jet lagged mother in law who can’t figure out an international data plan for her phone to get drunk and sunburned and scream at you 2 days before the wedding, “THIS IS WHY I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND NOW MY SISTER CANT EVEN BE HERE?!” 

If so you’re ready. If not I kind of think the Spring   house on block island in September might cost about the same as a week at an Italian villa. I really do think the “we all stay together in harmony for a week” might be more hopeful than reality. By the time of your wedding the only thing you might long for is no people you know asking you questions. Will you have a planner?

 

 

Post # 79
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  because they are still funding your dream wedding by having to go and pay because you chose to have a wedding in Italy for essentially no reason really aside the fact that you can’t afford the wedding at home..getting engaged there is not a reason by the way. Many people get engaged in destination countries and very few of those end up getting married there, it’s very popular to propose on vacation that is not a valid reason to have a wedding halfway across the world.

If you got married locally they would be spending substantially less, but you would be spending alot more.. so maybe directly their money isn’t going to catering but by paying and coming they are still paying in a way for your dream.

Not trying to be harsh, but this is how it is with destination weddings… the typical wedding is a day long, 2 days max if your in the wedding party and have a rehersal and costs a few hundred at most if hotel is required… this is going to be thousands of dollars.. plus an exchange rate working against you.. as people get older their vacation/free time and disposable income stretches very thin so ya.. people are not fans of spending thousands and days off for someone elses dream.

Of course this could be a part of someones europe trip they would do regardless and for those people this is likely a yes RSVP and less hassel.. but out of your 75 guests how many could that possibly be.

Listen, you do you people have destination weddings every single day.. but if you want more people to attend I honestly think you need to scrap the villa location and find something closer to/in a larger city to make this easier.

Post # 80
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  you will get positive feedback at first because no one is going to go to the bride/groom who they love as friend or family as well f*ck that as initial reaction. People are being nice and they also have no idea about costs.

The costs you mentioned are realistically all going to rise because many people can’t commit to a vacation like this a full year in advance and book the cheapest flight.. people switch jobs/get promotions/huge projects come/life anf family emergencies/children get sick etc etc etc so realistcially when people actually start looking to book all these advanced cheaper costs will no longer be..

Also you have a major election coming up and the results of that could hugely sway not only the USD Dollar but also how the rest of the world percieves you.. if you can afford to live in NYC i assume you are an intelligent well earning individual and I am sure it is no secret to you that Europeans already take a bias towards Americans… I am Canadian and when my husband and I went to Europe last fall I first hand saw the hostiliy towards us and then the immediate change of attitude when we said we were Canadian.. 

So yes right now people may think yay how fun.. but trust me as someone who has attended desatination weddings that does start to dwindle down as the date nears and costs start adding up

Post # 83
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  Sorry for confusion, I didn’t mean that in that sense!

I went to a wedding like that where we booked through a travel agent because it bride/groom insisted its cheaper pricing only to go on expedia finding the exast trip (this was an all inclusive) 500 a person cheaper… thats a grand for me and my now husband and even if lost our deposit.. it would still have been cheaper.. so when we go to travel agent to pretty much say thanks but no thank well lose deposit and book this she essentially told us how that would now cost the couple more.. lol so essentially 40 people booking through travel agent meant that there was about 5k of savings that the couple used on themselves/their family.. so we all paid more for that. I was livid and 4 years later I still regret going to this wedding and we are no longer friends (other reasons)

But yes I meant the general cost of attending wedding in Italy vs local

 

Post # 84
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  I know 🙁 We have many American friends in LA/NYC/Washington and I genuinly feel so bad for you all who have to live with this crap.

Anyways neither here nor there, but I do think this election would have impacts so maybe best to not book until after..

Would you consider a family only wedding in Italy and then rent out a restraunt in NYC for friends and extended family as a reception? I am sure it would be alot cheaper if you just did like a 8-12 dinner and dancing etc? Maybe beer/wine instead of full open bar..

I know NYC costs are insane it’s my favourte city in the world after Toronto I wish I could live there, but just thinking something like I mentioned above could bring down the overall cost

 

Post # 87
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I know people who have done destination weddings and generally find it annoying. There are some circumstances where it makes sense. Ex one couple friends went to the Caribbean, none of their guests lived in the same half of the country as them, some coming from overseas (Asia and Europe), so it was a central fun location. We were local, but decided to go because we were able to book our own dates and flights etc. 
I have had other friends who live in the same city as (most) of their guests and family and choose to get married elsewhere in a city no one else lives in. It ends up being expensive and annoying, and I actually love road trips and local travel haha. For one of these occasions, my husband and I were both in the wedding party and were annoyed that we had to spend money so that our friends could get married for cheap in another city (aka they were able to stay with family and get married at a family friend’s property). Another occasion, we weren’t involved and decided we wouldn’t be able to go (I wanted to, but 8h one way drive with a toddler or like $800 in flights + accommodations for a weekend wasn’t reasonable). 
You have every right to have a destination wedding, but I guess I just don’t like the fact that you are going somewhere so that (by the sounds of it) your wedding can be more affordable for you, but more expensive and time consuming for your guests. 

Post # 88
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nattywed :  I would do this for everyone! I am sure your family would love to celebrate with all your friends and extended family who loved and supported you as well! 

I think maybe having some pictures where the guestbook etc is would be cute, it’s not like a secret you got married in Italy right.

It’s very common for people to elope or have very small weddings followed by a large reception and I don’t doubt that they display their photos, I am sure your guests would love to see you in your dress..first kiss etc.. I certianly would if it was my friend!

Post # 89
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

One of my BFFs got married in Tuscany and it was absolutely beautiful and a trip of a lifetime as a guest. Except when I got drunk on grappa and had the worst hangover of my life. It was the BEST food I’ve ever had at a wedding, hands down, omg it was so good. However, a few things to think about . . . 

My BFF’s mom ended up not going, kind of last minute. The reason was only partially the distance (BFF’s parents were going through a divorce) but I definitely think she would have attended if it was closer. I suspect that had my friend known this would happen, she probably would have had a local wedding instead because it really crushed her that her own mom didn’t come to her wedding. You need to be prepared that a lot of people won’t come, possibly including even those closest to you. You also need to be prepared that some people will say that they’re coming, but then as the date gets closer and reality sets in they will back out. 

I’m also skeptical that you will save a lot of money, though I’m not from NYC. The additional events and travel costs and whatnot will add up, and Italy isn’t suuuper cheap, though some things are definitely less expensive.

That said, I’m personally a firm believer that an invitation is not a subpoena and you’re not “making” your guests do anything. I totally support this idea but you just have to know the reality that it’s a trade-off and you will probably be sacrificing guest attendance.

I also love the idea of having multiple wedding events the days before and after the wedding. If people want to skip those and stay in Rome instead or whatever, they can, but it gives more options for the guests and gives them more time to spend with you and each other.

Good luck!

Post # 90
Hostess
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
supertrooper0101 :  So true!  We were originally going to have our wedding the weekend after the 2016 election and thank goodness we decided to do it before.  D.H. and I spent our first anniversary overseas and everywhere we went, were asked about the election and whether we supported Trump (hell no).  

OP, I think people tend to be excited early on until the reality of the cost/travel planning becomes reality.  We only had good things to say about our friend’s destination wedding (seriously, I am bummed we can’t go) but it’s fun to think about jetting off to another country.  Less fun to price it out and think about taking a huge hit to our savings.  Another friend was going to have a destination wedding in Europe (I was a B.M.) and though I was unhappy with it (saving for a house at the time) I didn’t express this to the bride.  If she had booked it, I would have dropped out of the wedding, and several other B.M.s told me they would’ve done the same, but none of us told her to her face. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors