Post # 1
So it has been a really emotional month for Fiance and I.
Due to my mothers behavior we cancelled our wedding, much to the disappointment of our families. Especially my father who has poor health and was looking forward to giving me away.
That said the rest of the family including my father understands why this has happened. And are all being very supportive. We just could not allow my mother to own our weddding day. Neither of us were excited about the wedding and because of all that has happened we are taking a few months off from discussing where we go from here. All we know is that it will be our day and it will be what we want. We will then go to my family in the UK and celebrate with them.
Anyway, my mother has decided that she is going to keep the venue that was originally booked for our wedding and throw herslf and my father a 35th wedding anniversary party. On the same day that we were supposed to be getting married.
I feel a little weird about that. I don’t begrudge them having this celebration but their anniversary is a whole month after that date. its also going to be loaded day, with all the emotional strain that surrounds it, my father who doesnt know this yet, will spend the whole time thinking about what should have been happening on that day if my mother had behaved better.
I dunno its just a little odd, all her friends and the family know that date was supposed to be our wedding day and then it was cancelled, and now she is throwing this party?
I makes me feel as though my original suspicions of her turning our wedding day into her party were accurate. Any way, is this a bit odd or am i just still dealing with the emotional issues that have come from this whole mess?
Post # 3
I don’t have much to add other than yes, that’s f’d up.
Post # 4
Sorry to hear about it, and yes, it does seem odd. Seems like she wanted a party for herself all along. Hugs to you…
Post # 4
I think I remember your other post, or at least someone had a similar post and people said that the mom should just throw herself a party, there you go.
I donno thst it’s that wierd. Is it better to let the depost and stuff go to waste since obviously your mom wanted a party regardless of anything?
Post # 5
Unless your mother is incredibly cheap and doesn’t want to loose her deposit for the venue, then yes, you are correct, she just really wanted to throw a party.
If I cancelled my wedding, my mother would be devastated (and yes, she really really wants to show off) but would be more upset that I’m not getting married. I think your mom’s heart is in the wrong place.
Also, my good friend called off her engagement (and broke up with her FI) and on the day that was supposed to be her wedding, she planned a huge bar outing. For months before she talked about how she was so happy she was free, etc., but on the actual day, she was very emotional, even though they had been broken up for almost a year. Please think about what you’ll be like on that day. I dont’ think you should go to this party.
Post # 6
Was there a large deposit that was paid by her that would have been forfeited with your cancellation? That’s about the only reason that I could think of for holding on to that venue.
Otherwise? Completely insensitive. I don’t know how she came to the conclusion that people would be in a mood to party on that date, or that it would be an appropraite thing to do to you and your Fiance.
Post # 7
Congratulations to you for recognizing that the most important thing about the wedding day is the person you’re marrying. Very courageous to stick up for yourself like this.
Deposit or no deposit, she shouldn’t be having a party on that day. It’s clear she did just want a party for herself that day and now she’s free of that “pesky wedding” to go ahead and have it. I had a similar issue with almost calling off our wedding due to money and family’s “suggestions” that made our day into a complete circus. (They meant well) I never wanted to postpone the wedding so we are having it but with a small family party after instead.
Could you keep you wedding date but just elope then plan a party for yourselves in celebration? Your father could still walk you down the isle, just invite your mother the morning of. That’s what my SIL did because she and her mother have a strained relationship but she still wanted her at the wedding.
Good luck to you guys!
Post # 8
Thank you for all your comments.
I dunno I still feel that its a little weird.
Fiance and I were going to pay the deposit back to her so that she and my father were not loosing out on any money. So saving money from the deposit is not the issue.
Fiance and I live in CA whilst I am from the UK. But we intend to do something with my family in the UK to celebrate our wedding. We will probably get married where we are living now and then fly to the UK to celebrate with them there and include my father.
My mother and I have had a strained relationship for years, this was the straw that broke the camels back, I couldn’t take it anymore and I could not have her ruining our wedding. For me wedding days are extremerly important symbols, its the start of your marriage and should be a positive day about your commitment and relationship with your SO.
The thought that she was railroading this was really upsetting me. Ofcourse its hard to explain a reltionship that has developed over 27 years in a post. But believe me she is a difficult woman.
It is highly unlikely that we will be able to attend this party, for us to even fly to the UK and pay for some kind of reception over there we are going to have to be very financially sensible. So we would only be going over there once and I doubt it would be around the time of this party as there would be no point giving my mother an opportunity to cause more havoc.
Post # 9
Dude, it’s more than a little weird. It is LITERALLY your mother turning your wedding day into a party for herself. (Sounds like narcissism to me, but I’m not in clinical psych, just experimental. I know the nar-word gets tossed around a lot these days, but there are legitimate cases of it, and your mom may have that or another personality disorder.)
Just goes to show that you were 100% right to do what you did. Good for you for standing up for yourself! There are techniques you can use to avoid conflict with her in the future–you can check out support groups online to learn more about them–but seriously, that party thing is messed-up.
Post # 10
Hopefully this will get the party bug out of her system and will allow her to back off then you finally get the chance to have your wedding or post-wedding party.
Post # 11
This is aweful. You were right – she was wrong!
Post # 12
I guess I’ll be the odd man out again, since the way I see it is, yes, it may be odd, but I don’t think she’s intentionally doing it to hurt you. The venue was booked and a substantial deposit made (and I’m assuming is non-refundable) so she decided to make some use of it anyway. Your wedding was cancelled so the date shouldn’t be all that significant considering the circumstances. Maybe some of her friends told her to bump up her anniversary date and use it anyway? Who knows, but I think everything she says and does bothers you so you might be reading more into this than there actually is.
My daughter’s wedding was cancelled twice and both venues had non-refundable deposits ($1000. each). One we’re still ‘working on’ using up ( a B&B/restaurant) and the other (beach hotel) we were able to have them hold for a year and we gave it to them to use for a honeymoon once they actually got married some place else. Maybe this is the same thing? They wouldn’t give any money back but they could use it to host whatever they wanted…and chose a party. I couldn’t afford to just give that amount away, so have done things in lieu of a wedding reception. Is this a possibility?
Post # 13
@Cicera: Ugh, yeah, it sounds a bit screwed up. Especially if you were going to/are going to pay them back.
Lots of hugs!!!! and I definitely would NOT be going to that party. And your poor dad!!! Stuck in the middle of it, too!
Post # 14
@kristophine: I agree, sounds like narcissistic Personality disorder. My mother has it. I really feel for the OP. As long as the mother is involved with anything, it will be a no-win situation. 🙁
Post # 15
Yea it totally sucks for my Dad, I feel terrible for him.
I would believe that there was a possibility that this wasn’t her being strange if her behavior was better. But then if it were Fiance and I would still be getting married in April next year in the UK.
Fiance and I were going to pay them back, this new party is nothing to do with loss of money. She just wants to throw herself a party, which is completely her right. Just a tad on the odd side to use that specific venue and that specific date. If it turns out that she is moving the date closer to her own anniversary then fine but to have it on that date? A date that is now so emotionally charged in the minds of our whole family and all her friends.
Little odd to me.
@kristophine It has been suggested several times over the decades that my mother has mental health problems, however, she has ruled our family with an iron fist and any mention of mental health issues were swept under the rug. A number of doctors over the years have informed members of my family that my mother is unstable but nothing was ever done about it. I only found out about this over the last couple of years when I finally started standing up to her behavor. Family members felt they could be honest with me when we talked.
Plus the way she treats my father has the whole family up in arms, but they are all too afraid that she would deny them access to him and make his life even worse that they are all willing to tip toe around her. Its heart breaking to watch my father go through that. And to watch what has become of her.
He was always able to balance her out, but now that his health is going, he no longer has the energy to do that. So she has gotten a lot worse.
I really do hope that all this new party is, is exactly that, a party for them. They deserve to celebrate their 35th anniversary. Its just a little odd that it will be on that day, at that venue.
Thank you all for your support and comments!! Its a help to get other peoples opinions.