(Closed) Does waiting ever work? When is it time to go?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 33
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

Hey blue frog!  I’m waiting myself and YES IT FEELS LIKE A FOOLS EARRAND lol.  It can be sooooo stressful and it does feel like sometimes you want to throw in the towel.  You can read blogs, join groups, buy books, do whatever you have to do, but at the end of the day there are a lot of us out there who meet a man who we feel is very wonderful and we want to get married but are stuck in limbo.

I had my 3 year anniversary last week (Which I’ve already posted 2x about in waiting lol), and no proposal.  Kinda thought there would be a proposal or maybe a ted style conversation (I know you want to get married, no this isn’t a ring BUT….) and not-a-thing.  UGH UGH UGH.

My BFs problem is that he is not ready because he is not done with school.  I do love him so much that I want him to achieve his dreams of finishing and I am doing my absolute best to support him and not ‘pressuring’ him (yes, to my Boyfriend or Best Friend talking about it is pressure too), so that my dreams of being his wife can come true.  Waiting is hard.  I actually recently posted about changing my ‘walk’ date, because for me, my walk date didn’t mean the day i would walk down the isle, rather, the date I would walk out of the relationship.  I realized that my date was too soon for both my Boyfriend or Best Friend to achieve his goals and for us to be married….and I realized that I love him more than enough to allow him more time. 

I think the best we can do is try and focus on ourselves, less on being married, and honestly try to live without it.

side note:  i am patiend and love my Boyfriend or Best Friend enough to support him in finishing school HOWEVER, we are 27 and 30 and if he takes 5 years to finish school or graduates next year and there is no proposal within the next year, i would just plain resent him too much to stay.  you do have to be true to yourself and your desires and realize when someone may never put you first because they are always putting themselves first.  sorry for the novel.  GOOD LUCK!

Post # 34
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@sugar_biscuit:  

I had an ex like this, except for the age difference. We met in our late 20s and dated just over 4 years. Everything about our relationship was great, except he refused to ever talk about the future. Anytime I tried to bring it up, it would result in an argument. It was the only thing we ever argued about. He would do similar things though – talk about buying a house or moving away, and it was clear he wasn’t thinking about a future with the both of us in it.

He was okay with me being his perpetual girlfriend, but I wasn’t. I was going through a rough time with a couple of cycles of unemployment that caused me to stay longer than I should have. One day out of the blue, he broke up with me saying that he couldn’t ever marry me. But he couldn’t give me any reason either. I figured it had something to do with him going through a rough patch in life. We ended up getting back together after a few months but going to couples counseling. After about 5 months of counseling, the counselor couldn’t figure out his commitment issues either. She gave him an ultimatum to figure it out, and he missed it. I finally left when the ultimatum passed. I had realized he wasn’t ever going to conquer his fear.

I have since moved on and gotten married. He has another long-term girlfriend, but I have no idea how their relationship is going or if they have similar issues. I still stay in touch with his family from time to time, and when he heard about my engagement he didn’t take it well. He wrote me a letter apologizing for how our relationship played out. But I don’t know if all this is enough reason for him to get past his fear of settling down.

 

Post # 35
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

The “I don’t know…” and “I’m feeling pressured” crap is exactly that: crap. He gets to blame it on you and “Wahh” about how much pressure you’re putting him under, then blame you for the fact that you two aren’t engaged yet. It’s a winning solution for the passive-aggressive. It’s not a real, concrete reason. Waiting to finish school? Legitimate. Needs a better job because you can hardly pay your bills? Legitimate.

“I’m afraid because my parents had a nasty divorce”? That’s something the guy may never get over.

He’s blase about you moving on because he isn’t proposing. He’s sending mixed signals because it’s dawning on him that if he doesn’t dangle a carrot in front of your face, you truly have no incentive to stick around. He occasionally drops a shed of hope, and you stay…and stay…and stay.

I could have stuck out a living-together situation with my husband for years to come – but I wasn’t happy with that. The fact is, people do treat you differently when you’re married. You gain *so* many rights by being legally married. Our culture is set-up for marriage – there is still some stigma against those who are living together marriage-free. Hey, I lived with him without a marriage for about 2 years…I felt that every day.

I’m glad we had that time to live together before marriage, but eventually I needed something more. Marriage is not just about love, and I think that’s something we commonly get wrong in the modern world – at different times in history, it wasn’t about love at all.

Had my husband told me:

 

“You better move on if you want a marriage,” “Stop pressuring me,” or otherwise not given me a solid, concrete answer for the delay, I would’ve been gone. When we moved in together, we agreed on a timeline for an engagement. I had my end date in my mind and I was walking that day.

Life is just too short to hinge all of your hopes on one person who wants to be stuck in the mud. They’ll pull you in with ’em, you know. There are several potential matches for any one person – and I’ve seen some people who behaved horribly and looked even worse, and they had no trouble reeling in decent men.

You may well walk away and realize it was a mistake. But, you may also meet more people down the road who are willing to give you want you want out of a relationship. There are no guarantees that any decision you make is the ‘one’ – it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make educated decisions and hope for the best.

Post # 36
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree w/ a previous poster – His response of doing what’s best for you doesn’t sit well with me.  And him already telling you he would never separate you from your child just might be code language to say that he would be just as nonchalant of a father if you didn’t live together.  Three years ago I divorced a man like this after 23 years of marriage.   I had been just plain bored out of my skull for years and tried everything to get him to get out of his rut but he hated change – was scared to death of it.  It was me and his family who pushed us getting married…me who pushed buying a house….me who wanted children.  He was not really opposed to any of it, but never initiated anything.  He did not like to be out of his comfort zone even if it meant staying with a job he complained about daily.  11 years ago I got a promotion and we all moved to Florida – we have 2 kids.  That was a huge change which I was shocked he agreed to, but I was going no matter what – and it would have been an even bigger change for him to lose me and the children.  I thought “wow, maybe the shock of a new environment will be good for us.” Nope.  Still as apathetic as ever.  and I was as bored as ever.  So I went to law school.  Know what he said when I told him I had been accepted after a year and a half of prep work to get in?  “Do you realize how inconvenient this is going to be for me?”  I tell you all of this because I saw how laid back he was at the beginning of our relationship but did not realize I would have to drive our whole lives.  You sound like someone who has it all together. You are going to want another adult to spend the rest of your life with.  I got tired of being the only adult in the family.  I am now with a wonderful man.  It’s been 2 years and it is so awesome every day to be able to have an adult conversation with someone.  I now have someone who I will truly be SHARING my life with, not just living my life with.  My ex is a nice guy but I changed so much over the years and he remained exactly the same as the day I met him – and he resented it every time I stretched and grew.  Not a bad guy, but not the guy for me.  He wasn’t happy either…..just comfortable;  but comfortable for him is more important.   It’s hard to leave a long term relationship. We had been together for 25 years.  But I had no respect left for him because he was so apathetic about everything. So even though I might have regretting being alone after the divorce, I knew I would never regret leaving him and not having to take care of what amounted to a 3rd child anymore.Ask yourself – if you did not have a child with him and you just met him today, would you be interested?  You deserve to be happy.

Post # 39
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bluefrog33:  

My situation was more extreme than most, so I offer my experience, but I’m hesitant to tell others to do the same thing. There were never any false promises. He flat out refused to talk about the future, so there was never any carrot dangled, just me hoping he’d come around one day.

In the end, though, I was over it. There was so much hurt and resentment built up over the years that I was just done. I didn’t want any part of it anymore. I knew a month or so ahead of time that he wouldn’t meet the ultimatum. I would have left then if I hadn’t promised the counselor I’d give it until the end of the year. I would say that’s one way to tell it’s time to leave – when you’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship.

 

Post # 40
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

That IS funny that you are a lawyer too!  I wish you much luck.  I felt trapped for so many years after the realization that we got married because it just seemed like the next step for us but we really were not a good match.  I hate to see another woman waste years of her life bangin her head against the same stone wall I did.  Like Krispi said, I had emotionally checked out (I like that term.)  It was his DUI that finally made me say ok, that’s enough. It’s like I was waiting for a good enough reason.

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