(Closed) Does waiting for a proposal make it less special?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My fiance proposed after 10 years of dating. We started dating at age 17 and he proposed just after my 27th birthday. Obviously we were young when we started dating, but I did feel like a proposal should happen soon, especially once we graduated university. We were out of university for 3 years when he proposed, and I didn’t necessarily feel mad about waiting, but was starting to feel a bit upset about waiting, wondering why he didn’t want to propose.

However, the proposal was AMAZING and I was so, so happy. I do think it helped that the proposal was a complete surprise and was on his own terms. We didn’t set or even talk about a timeline, and I never even considered an ultimatium like a lot of bees here do. (As a side note, I did know that marriage was something he wanted. I wouldn’t feel the way I do if I felt like I was being strung along or like a proposal might never happen).  However, because of all that, I felt like when he proposed, it was because he truly wanted to and it made me feel great. 

Post # 4
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yeah – I always feel like a couple who has a kid has no reason to “wait” or do the big proposal or whatever.  I mean, seriously – you’ve already skipped a couple steps ahead, just get married already.  I feel like the “big romantic surprise” ship sailed a long time ago.  

I wouldn’t be annoyed at the lack of proposal, I’d be royally pissed off that I wasn’t married to the father of my child.  Have you asked him why he won’t commit?

Post # 5
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee

 

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There have been so many opportunities over the last 18 months for SO to propose but I’m still waiting .

 

We had a serious talk about 6 months ago and looked at rings. He said he was on the case yet I found out yesterday that he’s [not].

 

I can’t help but feel like a proposal now will be meaningless.

  

I am starting to resent him and feel so down all the time.

 

I dread him proposing.

 

I’m scared that his reluctance will always be at the back of my mind forever.

 

View original reply
anon999:  , all of ^ these ^ are your words. Please let them sink in.

 

 

Best wishes to you.

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
6863 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Yes, waiting too long definitely ruins it when it comes, at least to a point.  I’m not going to lie about that, and I was with my husband almost 9 years before he got to it.  We had plenty of frank discussions about it.  What you have to decide is whether this is really a deal breaker for you.  You have everything a marriage stands for already except the tax break.  You basically ARE married.  Is there a reason he’s avoiding it?  Maybe he’s nervous about the wedding itself.  Do you think if you requested just going to the courthouse he’d be more on top of things?  Is he secretly worried about finances?  Just some food for thought.

What worked for me in the end was completely losing it, which I chose to do in a letter so that I could contain my emotions a little.  He just didn’t get it – and he already had the stinking ring.  He let so many opportunities slip by that I was starting to think he had some reason he just didn’t want to marry me.  It hurt terribly and he didn’t understand at all.  I’m still not sure he does.  However, he definitely saw a change in my overall mood over the previous year and he saw it improve immensly when this wasn’t a problem betwee us anymore.  Our proposal sucked ass.  There is no other description for it.  I had seen so many wonderful chances slip by, at least two of which he wussed out on, though he had the intent.  Our actual proposal was a complete deadline because I was so hurt – therefore nothing romantic except the part where he didn’t want to dump me.  Things looked up after that and we’re doing beautifully.

While I don’t really advocate pushing, even despite my own scenario, there are just some guys who aren’t going to get around to it otherwise.  Whether it’s not as important, whether they think they’ve got it all already so why bother, whether they’re the king procrastinator who steps on his own toes, or whether they’re just not into it as a concept but don’t want to let go either.  You’ve got to get him to figure it out and stop being so hurtful.  Have him set a timeline for himself and if he doesn’t stick to it, he might need to rethink his priorities.

Post # 8
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

I knew that the proposal was coming and asked my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor right before he proposed, and it was still the sweetest, most romatic proposal and it meant so much to me.  Other people hear that I had been waiting / knew that it was coming and they;re like “oh, that’s not fun, I want it to be a total surprise.”  It just ruins it for other people, and quite honestly, I don’t care how my proposal story sounds to someone else 🙂

Post # 9
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I would say that waiting for a proposal does not make it less special or meaningful, but I also know that there are a lot of emotions that go into this and I’m sorry that you’re feeling so hurt. The hurt and anxiety you are feeling is definitely normal, as you can see from these boards. But this is also something that can ultimately harm relationships in which two people are not on the same page about a proposal. I would implore you to think deeply and figure out whether getting married is ultimately a dealbreaker for you.

After that, be honest with him. Explain what you’ve told us clearly, in terms that he will understand. From your descriptors, it seems that he may be one of those men who doesn’t understand how deeply this hurts you. Then you both need to explore how he feels and what is holding him back. It’s possible that he’s not ready but feels pressured into saying “all the right things” to make you happy.

Essentially, you need more honest communication from both ends to figure this out.

Post # 10
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
anon999:  Yes because you’re waiting for his “answer”, his agreement. Seems silly given you guys have a kid already and already he knows you want marriage, I’d be insulted its taken him so long to be willing.

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee

hey bee,

I want you to know you aren’t alone!  I have 2 babies with the man of my dreams and we live together.  Still no ring.  I’ve just kind of come to terms with it.  I let it bug me for a while, but he’s the one I want.  He’s my happy ending, ring or no ring.  He comes home every day and tells me I’m beautiful and that he appreciates everything I do for us.  I know he’s committed to me.  I don’t believe that a ring is the only sign of commitment.  Just stay positive Bee, look at the things he does that makes you feel special and shows you he is committed, and know it’s coming.  

 

Oh, and to answer your question: no, I don’t think the wait ruins the proposal.  I think the anxiety and stress might ruin it though.  Stay positive!  You chose him for a reason!  😉

Post # 12
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You need to be honest and drop the hammer. Speak your mind in no uncertain terms. You are not messing around anymore!

Post # 13
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I felt similarly to you while I was waiting, but I promise you that you’ll forget all about the resentment as soon as he gets off his stupid ass and proposes.

Post # 14
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
anon999:  Honestly? Yeah, it kind of does. By the time my guy proposed, I had been building it up in my mind so much that it was kind of a, “Huh, that’s it? Life just goes on as normal?” moment. I realized that I was kind of silly for obsessing over it.

BUT being engaged and wedding planning has been totally great. That is definitely still special.

Post # 15
Member
11129 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think having a child together changes everything.

It’s not about the two of you anymore.  He can waffle all he wants about how marriage isn’t important to him, but he’s a father now.  That’s as committed as he can be.  His child’s best interest has to come first.

And for you as well, OP.  Is this the best possible role model for your child?  What will your child learn about relationships from observing yours?

I’m not suggesting I know the answers.  Just things to consider.

I think you stay & wait up until your self respect gets damaged.  Once that starts, you have to go.

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