Post # 1
Regular bee gone anon for this. I’ve been having a pretty stressful few weeks. Parents are breaking up, I’m going in for surgery in a few days, and trying to fit all my project work before going in. I was also hit with some pretty bad PMS today which has left me feeling very sensitive and crying a lot.
Some background: the past few days I’ve also been kinda frustrated with DH because in addition to everything I’ve been doing all the washing, cooking, everything. I asked him if he could please help me out more.
This morning I was telling him how stressed out I felt, and I started crying. He began mocking my crying, saying “Why are you always crying… boo hooo … What the fuck is wrong with you… you sound like an electric toothbrush…” Then walks out and slams the door behind him. He had a shower, came back and apologised and said he’d help out more and that he was “really really sorry for what he said”.
Then everything seems fine, but I’m expecting him to be nicer to me. Then this afternoon, apparently I made a noise and he thought I was sighing or something, so aggressively said “what’s wrong now?!… I hadn’t even said anything. This made me upset, and maybe 5 mins later, in my stupid PMS state, I swiped the tissue box that was on the bed on the floor. And a couple of bits of clothes. Don’t know why I do this when I’m angry, but it just makes me feel better getting the anger out. I know it’s probably not the best way to go about it but hey, it seems more harmless than shouting at him.
Anyway, my husband proceeds to shout at me. “What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho bitch. Shut the fuck up, bitch. (I wasn’t saying anything…) I’m so sick of your shit.” Leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.
Uhhhmmm…. am I just really annoying and deserve it? I feel like these words really show that he has a nasty side. I don’t mean to be so annoying, I get really emotional just before my period + everything going on. But these words really hurt alot. Is this normal? Have you ever been spoken to like this? Would really appreciate some support/advice 🙁
Post # 2
P.S. I work full time, DH doesn’t work (kinda plays games all day…) so.. he has time to help out more around the house.
Post # 3
I have no advice… my husband does not talk to me this way. Whenever I am upset, feeling overwhelmed or over worked he always does his best to help out – he usually doesn’t remember to do things all on his own, and he might not jump right up and do them, but he will do them. He never makes me feel like my feelings aren’t accurate, or tells me that i’m being crazy.
Honestly, I dated a guy like your husband. No job, just sat around playing video games all day [and getting into trouble], and when I asked him to do ANYTHING he suddenly turned things onto me. Nothing was ever his fault and he always did SO much for me [even though he didn’t]. I broke it off with him.
Post # 4
You absolutely do not deserve that! Completely unacceptable on his part!
That being said, have there been any other issues going on for you guys? Could this anger be misplaced? Even so, his behavior is still unacceptable. Has he ever talked to you like this before? Ugh! This just makes me so angry, that any man could treat his wife like this!!
My FI (who I’ve been with for 2.5 years) has NEVER spoken to me like this, and if he ever did, it would be the last day he ever saw me. I’ve even had some crappy BFs in the past, one of which hit me and I left his a** on the curb.
Women tend to get emotional sometimes, so what? Nothing worth being emotionally and verbally abused for. Sorry, I’m probably not being very constructive, but this just makes me mad. Either he straightens out immediately and has a damn good excuse for being an a**hole, or be done with him. I know it’s probably more comlicated since you guys are married, but that’s seriously how I would feel.
Post # 5
Wow your husband has issues. Your husband should not be calling you a b- word or psycho. I get really cranky when I don’t get any sleep but my fiance has never called me the b-word for it or psycho. I think when he acts like this you should spend some time away from him.
My fiance works and makes fun of me sometimes when I complain or don’t do something that I should have done like talk to a casher when he was trying to make convo but he has never called me psycho or the b-word for it. My fiance puts up with a lot with me but that what you do when you care about someone. You need to have a talk with your husband because the way he is treating you isn’t right.
Post # 6
The minute my FI called me a bitch or talked to me that way would be the minute I leave him. Seriously, you dont deserve to be talked to that way, and the fact that hes done it multiple times for seemingly no good reason is a huge red flag.
Post # 7
thedocsdaughter: I’m so sorry hon. First, to answer your questions, no, my husband does not ever speak to me that way. He doesn’t speak to anyone that way. And while I can’t say whether it’s “normal” or not I can certainly give my opinion that what you’ve shared doesn’t sound healthy. I’ve never been spoken to that way before, an ex once told me I was “acting bitchy,” which, to be fair, I kind of was, but he learned right quick that the “B” word in any form was absolutely off-limits with me (also English was not his first language so I don’t think he understood the severity).
Is this indicative of your husband’s general character throughout your relationship or a sudden change in behavior? Not just asking about his behavior toward you but also his behavior toward others. Is he typically aggressive or verbally abusive to you or others? Is he a guy who frequently gets into fights? If this is a sudden 180 in his behavior I’d be inclined to recommend some form of therapy right away, his harsh response could stem from some feelings of inadequacy not working or he could have something else going on that you’re not aware of. And if he’s been a generally mean-spirited person throughout your relationship, well then I still recommend therapy, but your therapist may do more to help you extricate yourself from the relationship than to fix it. Here’s a resource for abusive relationships if you’d like to read more: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
Do trust your instincts. It seems you really didn’t need to post this on Weddingbee to know that his behavior was inappropriate, I hope you take steps to either improve or terminate the relationship, whichever will be best for you. Wishing you the best of luck!!!
Post # 8
Never has, never would. I would not hesitate to put some physical distance (I mean him on the other side of a locked door) if he ever even cursed at me, let alone a whole abusive tirade like that. We could do therapy or whatever. But only after he getsTF out of my house. You do NOT have to take this.
Post # 9
jenilynevette: Willow90: Bored6: a_day_at_the_fair: jennmariee: Overjoyed: Thanks for all your advice. He gets like this when he gets really angry, whenever we have a bad fight. Maybe once every few months.
Right now he’s trying to be nice again and pretend like nothing happened.
I reminded him that I’m PMS-ing, not trying to start stupid fights or anything. It made him realise that I’m not trying to start anything. I think he gets confused/doesn’t know why I’m upset, so he gets all defensive.
He fights with his mum all the time. Calls her a bitch and stuff too, shouts a lot at his parents. His SIL once said to me, “you know, one day he’ll start talking to you like that too.” I didn’t believe her… well, stupid me.
He’s so loving most of the time though. Well except for being slightly selfish when it comes to housework. Ugh so confusing 🙁
When he does say this stuff, I really do want to leave and think about it. But then he apologises and acts nice again. We get along really well MOST of the time…
Post # 10
No, he never speaks to me that way. I’m pretty sensitive and cry a lot, but he never shouts at me, nor does he offend me in any way. I wouldn’t allow him to either, he would be out the door the moment he did something like this. He doesn’t talk to others that way either. Given the agressivity, i don’t think it’s the first time you heard your husband talk like that. To you or others, whichever is the case. And given the situation you are in (surgery, parents) it’s perfectly normal for you to be sensitive or however you need to be. Don’t ever say what you said earlier: that you DESERVE to be spoken like this. It’s the most common phrase of abused women.. Emotional or physical. In addition, this man seems to live off you.. I understand that you are married to this guy, but i don’t like what I see. And since you’ve written, you don’t like what you see either.
Post # 11
You posted at the same time. I imagined he had this behavior before.. Run, honey… If this is the way he speaks to his mother as well, run!
Post # 12
BunnyJaques: Thanks so much for your reply. He does live off me. I love him so much that I just look past so many things and focus on the good things. But yes I basically pay for everything and do most things around the house, which is why I got so frustrated when I told him how stressed I was and he completely brushed me off, told me “yeah I’ve heard it all before”, which is why I burst into tears.
He keeps apologising now… I know they say abusers do that, but could my husband really be an abuser? I don’t know…
We’ve only been married for one year, but I do picture my life with him… is there anything I can do that doesn’t involve breaking up? I don’t like the behaviour but I really don’t want to leave 🙁
Post # 13
Post # 14
thedocsdaughter: I know.. I’m so sorry! But if this is how he behaves in general, I don’t think you’re safe around him. And once you’ll have children, he will do that to them too.. growing up in a violent home will harm them for good. It’s not a healthy marriage. Think that you were told he would do this to you and now he does. He will do it to his kids as well.
I think that the moment he gets confortable, he will talk to you just like he does to his mom. Always, not just every now and then. He’s trying to control himself when he is with you, but it won’t be long until he will be himself around you as well. When the recently married moment will be gone, he won’t care. It’s clearly your decision, but think twice please.
Post # 15
thedocsdaughter: I am sorry… To answer your question, nope my dh does not speak to me that way. we have raised our voices at each other in the past and yes i get really passive aggressive so we have had words before but we do not name call or swear at each other. When my dh gets angry (he does sometimes have a temper) I do feel like I am walking on eggshells and he does raise his voice but nothing like your husband. Personally, I would leave. I know it is scary and daunting but that is the kind of life you want to give your kids…