Post # 1
Title says it all. Feeling really lost. Darling Husband said hes been feeling like we’ve lost our spark and hes not feeling attracted to me at the moment. He wants us to get back to how we were when we first started dating. I’d love to get there too, as I’ve also felt our sex life has been slowing down lately. But Darling Husband said hes feeling unattracted to me because I weigh more than I did when we first started dating. He even said he went back through our social media posts from when we first got together and he was so much more attracted to me then (thats messed up, right!?!?). He also said hes afraid of what my body will look like after i have a baby – up until this convo we were actively TTC. So like, where do you go from there? Does your marriage ever recover from comments like that?
Maybe helpful background: been together 5 years, married for just over 1. Since weve started dating we’ve both gained about 20 lbs. in the past year-ish we’ve gotten married, sold and bought a house, both gotten promotions, delt with major homeowner headaches, and had a general roller coaster of a year. I thought us feeling distant was just from the stress of our lives. I am blindsided by his comments. I love him very much, and don’t want to lose him.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
So if he wants to “get back to where you were,” then he will be joining crossfit? Because he’s got work to do, too.
Post # 3
Wow Bee, first of all….I am SO sorry he said that to you. I honestly don’t know what to say as far as whether or not you can recover from this because I’ve never been in this situation. What I will say, however, is that if I was, I don’t think I could ever personally recover from a comment like that. Worrying about someone’s health due to significant weight gain (20 lbs isn’t what I mean by significant btw) is different than being a straight up ass hat because your wife gained a few lbs. The fact that he’s “worried” about what pregnancy will do to your body is mind blowing. The fact that he’s “unattracted” to you because you put on a little bit of weight is alarming to me. Attraction and love is deeper than looks. People gain weight….physical appearance changes. Looks fade. One day you’ll both be old and saggy and he’ll still be a douche.
And as PP said…if he’s worried about weight, maybe he should look in the mirror and hit the gym himself.
Post # 4
My exhusband said that so me after I’d had two kids for him. Really stung. We got divorced and he (within 6 months of saying that to me which was said before I filed for divorce) started dating a girl who weighed over 100 lbs more than I did.
Eventually I decided that he was either generally unhappy and trying to blame it on that OR he was just trying to hurt me where I was most vulnerable.
Does he say say it when you are fighting? Does he truly feel unhappy with himself to the same degree as you?
Post # 5
I don’t know I have been through lot and I now weigh 30-40pounds more than when we met. I’m doing my best but I would have a hard time hearing that. Especially when I’m doing my best to be healthy.
What if you get injured and gain weight? Or have an illness? Or have a death in the family? All of those things happened to me back to back. I was 10 pounds from my goal when all the things were happening. You really can’t control life. Plus 20 pounds isn’t really that much in the scheme of things. I think it was cruel for him to do that with the social media photos.
How did you react when he said those things? Has he been very appearance centic before?
Eta- the baby comment is so awful. What the hell. I’d need to hash that one out.
Post # 6
i think part of the reason this was so out of left field is that he hasn’t been so focused on my appearance before. I also don’t think he was saying it to be mean. We’ve been trying to be better about communicating so he shared these comments as we were talking about how our sex life has slowed down generally. This was a convo we kind of scheduled. like we were both noticing something was off and made plans to discuss it tonight. so it was not said out of anger or anything.
The comment about the baby thing just breaks my heart. We’ve been talking so much about having kids, and I thought we had talked about everything. Its such a strange concern to me. he said I will be an amazing mom, but hes just scared I will gain a bunch of weight and then not lose it.
Post # 7
What if you told him you were worried he might gain even more weight? Plenty of life changes other than pregnancy cause people to slow down and start gaining weight. Is he willing to work on his weight gain? It just seems like a gross double standard for him to complain about you gaining weight if he’s also gained weight. I’d have a different perspective on it if he had at least acknowledged his own issue with weight but it doesn’t sound like he did.
I think you should have another conversation. More communication/saying whatever you are thinking/feeling does not equal better communication. What he said was hurtful and he needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for that because the same topic could have been handled with a lot more tact – like suggesting you work together to get more active/lose some weight as a way of getting healthier and reconnecting through spending time together.
Post # 8
anotherannonobee : yeah. I would NOT be having kids with this man. Your body will change with pregnancy. There are very few women who get their pre-baby body back, even if they lose the pregnancy weight. Stretch marks are real. Saggy deflated baby belly is real. Hips widen.
Post # 9
anotherannonobee : I honestly don’t know if my marriage could survive something like that. I would find it hard to lose the fear that he would leave post baby or as I aged just because I didn’t look like I did when we met. It’s an impossible standard to live up to. I am never going to look the same as I did when I was 23 (the age we met) again because it is a biological impossibility as I am definitely no longer 23 and anyone with an expectation that I should be able to maintain that is setting me up for a garunteed failure. Obviously sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship but that sexual attraction needs to be based on more than a number on a scale and an age in the past
Post # 10
For those of you addressing his weight gain, he was actually under weight when we met, so his weight gain puts him in a healthy range. He is one of those annoying hyper metabolism people who is naturally very skinny. I on the other hand am now slightly overweight, not to the point where my health is impacted. i actually only went up one dress size. I have always fetl pretty confident in my skin (alothough maybe not so much right now), so this weight gain hasnt really been on my mind.
I just really don’t know what is next… like more talking about this? do I just join a gym? counselling? divorce? I just don’t know how I am going to forget those comments.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
Short answer: no. He just told you he wants you to lose weight. So, you don’t want to lose him, and he wants you to change your body and he will magically be attracted to you again.
I could never be with someone like this. It would destroy my self esteem. I have gained weight due to autoimmune issues, and I’m pregnant with our 4th kid. We still have a very great sex life and he loves my body, even though it’s not firm and perfect. There’s a large weight difference between when we met and now and he still wants to have sex with me all the time.
More importantly though, he is the first person who has ever loved me without condition. He has gotten me uti meds at 3am and he runs to my side when I’m puking my guts out to rub my back. He has seen my body after 3 csections. He actually snuck into the observation room during my first csection with our first child that was an emergency because he couldn’t not be there. I was put under general. So he’s seen my intestines and other internal organs as well. LOL
My point is, instead of questioning your self worth, question why you would want to have children with someone that is this shallow. Im going to tell you right now: life is hard and things get ugly and messy. He was there for me when I had our babies and I took care of him when he had spinal surgery and he had a cancerous tumor removed. Life is too short and too hard and too unpredictable for conditional love. Being a human being is hard shit and its messy. It doesn’t always fit into a size 6 with perky tits and perfect makeup and hair.
Lose the weight if YOU want to, but don’t you dare change a single thing because he is making you feel shitty about yourself.
Is he one of those dudes that frequents instagram and looks at perfect chicks all the time? Aka the fakest shit ever?
Post # 12
If you are actively TTC and yet your sex life has slowed down, do you think he is feeling pressured to perform? And/or anxious about a real baby happening ?
I AM NOT attempting in any way to condone what he said, of course, it is truly awful and hugely damaging to self esteem , but I wonder if he is projecting his anxieties on to you ?
The horrible thing is you can never unhear what he has said. How damaging that is going to be is hard to say . I would let him know just what he has done and how it makes you feel though, and see where that goes .
Post # 13
Just 20 pounds??? He’s cray-cray. I’ve gained 40 this pregnancy and hubby better not tell me he’s not attracted to me anymore BC I’ll shave his eyebrows when he’s asleep. I dont feel sexy AT ALL but we still have sex 😑
your husband is being cruel and I think he’s using this weight gain as an excuse. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
lifeisbeeutiful : shave his eyebrows while he sleeps bahahaha I’m dying. Pregnancy sex is not that sweet…I just feel like a hephalump even though hubby is super into it.
Post # 15
Just popping in to say I can relate, and it looks like I’m the only one so far who can. I’m the same size as when we met but he has made it clear to me that he prefers a petite build (which is what I am), so I’m very aware of my weight more than I would like. He also fits the physical description you gave of your husband, in that he was underweight when he was younger and as he gains weight with age, he looks better. I often wonder if his obsession with weight, mine and his own is a reflection of body dysmorphia he might have. For instance, recently he gained weight in his stomach but it doesn’t look bad. I actually like the way he looks with more meat but he gets really down about it. He saw a photo I had taken without his shirt on and he exclaimed, it’s worse than I thought!