Post # 16
anotherannonobee : I would be having a very serious conversation with my husband if he said anything like that to me. Why is he so concerned about you gaining weight while pregnant? Does he realize most bodies have to gain at least ~30lbs to have a healthy baby? If you don’t gain enough weight then baby is at risk. Plus the focus on women “getting their bodies back” is THE WORST and he needs to understand that and cut it out immediately. You will be growing a human, and then either pushing that human out a very small space or having them literally cut from you. Of course your body is going to be different after that. That doesn’t mean it won’t be beautiful and strong and good, but it will be different. If he’s so worried about that then he is not a good person to have children with.
Post # 17
anotherannonobee : I don’t have great advice here but I have experienced something like this in the past.My ex said something along the line of this to me, going so far to say he thought I was ugly over 20 lb. It took me quite some time to get over it and while that wasn’t the nail in the coffin, I was never able to trust him or feel secure in the relationship agian after that.
I personally don’t think a relationship can survive this sort of thing and think you deserve someone who will love you and want you no matter what. In my mind, you love people for who they are and are attracted to them because of that, not because of how they look.Looks are what draws people in but they stay for what’s inside.
We are all sagging, wrinkly and old in the end so if your relationship is driven on purely physical attraction, how is that gonna last into old age?
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, it truly sucks.
Post # 18
anotherannonobee : last night I was watching the brittish TV show 24 hours in emergency and they had an elderly couple arrive who had been hit by a motorcycle. They brought them in separately due to the wife having more serious injuries but you could see the love and concern each held for each other because they kept asking how the other was. Once they were finally reunited in the emergency bay they were both in separate stretchers but they held each others hands so tightly and looked at each other with such love and emotion. (I was blubbering like a fool at that point) The husband turned to his 82 year old wife and said I look at her and I still see the beautiful girl I married. He genuinely meant it and he didn’t see the wrinkles, the saggy skin or the extra pounds because his love transcended that.
We all age and we all change. Everything in nature does. My point is that your husband has unrealistic expectations as to what it means to spend a lifetime together. I can totally understand weight gain that is significant enough to impact on health being a concern but the fact of the matter is we all age and we will most likely all end up with boobs that need to be rolled into a bra or nuts that are so saggy that a pair of tighty whities have a hard time containing them. Sure we all probably look at a handsome 20 something year old and appreciate the beauty but it comes a time in life that you resign yourself to the fact that you are xyz years old and a handsome 20 something year old is no longer in your league.
Your husband is being entirely superficial and I would walk away from him because he has unrealistic expectation for a long term relationship that spans decades of aging and I’d not have kids with him because your body will change and your relationship will change too and I don’t think he has what it takes to weather the changes that gapoen over time.
Post # 19
Ouch bee! I don’t know, I mean. Attraction really comes in many forms. For me I am insanely attracted to my fiance when he plays with our puppy or when he’s talking about something passionately. I am of course attracted to his physical body but his actual personality is what makes him “glow” (in my eyes.) You say your husband has never really focused on your looks before but now he is? So if he never focused on them before, and was clearly attracted to you as a whole person then whats changed now? How has 20lbs changed anything whn you say yourself you feel confident in your skin.
IMO it sounds like he’s talking shit and there is deeper issues here. I would talk to him and get it out of him. If infact it’s not deeper and it genuinely that he’s not attracted to that extra 20lbs honestly, do you want to be married to that man?? There’s a fine line, if you gained 200lbs I’d be like ok, he’s still a jerk but I get it but you gaines a measly 20lbs. He’s being a jerk.
Post # 20
I’m not saying what he said is right, but I also understand that physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship. If you date and marry someone, and then they go on to gain weight, that will change the way they look and could also change your physical attraction to them. I work hard to stay within a certain weight range for my own health, and for my physical looks. I’m not at all perfect, and I’ve struggled to maintain the weight I want after marriage. It’s a constant battle for me.
I wouldn’t write off your husband when you specifically asked for honesty. It’s not fair if when he was honest, you punish him for it. And it sounds like he was honest in a respectful way by saying your weight gain has caused him to lose physical attraction to you, rather than using hurtful and unnecessary words like “fat” or other derogatory terms.
I would talk with him again and be honest yourself. You’re working on losing weight, you feel hurt and unsure, especially with the pregnancy comment. You are now scared of having children because you will gain weight (that’s biology and healthy for the new baby) and you’re not a robot capable of losing that weight gain instantaneously.
If he can be reasonable with his expectations, and you can also continue to work to be healthy and fit, then you should be able to find common ground.
Post # 21
I gained 20lbs when I went back to school (and lost it all in the final semester). My husband never told me he wasn’t attracted to me, instead he noticed that my boobs were bigger (typical man) While I think it’s fine to admit that you are not as attracted to someone when they gain weight, there’s something about what your husband said that’s disturbing: He wants things to go back to how they were when you were dating. You might ask him what he is going to think when you get older and you no longer look the same.
Post # 22
I am definitely in the minority here. I try to keep my husband, as well as myself VERY healthy and withing the same weight, but I do it for two reasons – we are still young (32 Y/O and I want us to be fit) and for health reasons as well. My father is Diabetic, so I am VERY scared to inherit it. So I try to prevent it as much as possible.
I tell my husband ALL the time to be honest with me about my weight gain or whatnot. I have been the same weight since we first started dating nearly 8 years ago and so has he, so that has never been an issue, but if I was to gain a significat amount of weight, I would want him to BE HONEST with me. If I see him get a slight belly, I make fun of him by calling him “dad bod”, which motivates him to eat healthier and get back to his “flat belly”, if you will.
To say that you are not attracted to your spouse is VERY hurtful, so I cannot comment on that part – I would definitlely be hurt, but the fact that he wants to WORK on it together, should mean a lot.
Post # 23
It’s not the fact that he said he’s not attracted to you, but that he wants things to go back to how they were when you were dating.
The fact is that when people gain weight, their partner might not be attracted to them as much. It’s just a fact, sorry. Relationships aren’t fairytales and I would rather my partner tell me, even if it hurts, because I can change my weight. You can’t change aging though, and I hope that aging isn’t something that will effect his attraction to you.
I would find out what he meant by how things were when you were dating. But, I don’t disagree with him about being less attracted – guess what, it happens. Do something about it, lose the weight not only for him but for your own health, because yes while it might be hurtful to hear, at least he’s being honest with you instead of lying and then you find out he cheated because he didn’t want to tell you.
Post # 24
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
20 lbs thats it? My god I thought you were going to say 40. I just gained 40 and I feel fat and I am a short girl. My fiance’ tells me all the time how it loves me for who I am and I look beautiful and as long as I feel healthy that is all that matters. I am so happy to hear that you and Darling Husband have a relationship that you can openly disguse things like this week to week. But I think he is calling the kettle black. I don’t care if he is under weight or not. He also gained 20lbs. Maybe you love him being the skinny minney man that he was and the 20lbs he put on is not attractive to you. Now when you get pregnant your going to start worrying about putting the weight on and that isn’t going to be good. I feel for you bee, and I am sorry you have to go through this.
Post # 25
So thanks for all the thoughts. It’s been helpful to hear different perspectives on this one. I think we definitely have some work to do and more uncomfortable conversations to have. I deleted my social media, and I think that freaked him out (not my intention, but oh well). It just feels really yucky that hes referencing images of me from 5 years ago.
I did ask for honesty, but I didnt expect his response, so no i just need to figure out how to live with what i heard.
I didn’t say this in the OP, but Darling Husband has always been a selfish person. he will always put his feelings/emotions first, so its not the first time he said something that hurt to hear (when we’ve promised honesty). He has a lot of redeaming qualities too, and I went into the marriage knowing that he’s selfish emotionally. I just thought I could handle it because I could always take care of myself. like he fufils other needs other than caring about my feelings. I honestly am not clear if he thought through what he was saying. Like he said he didn’t even think that what he said would hurt me. but its been said, and I am hurt. so I just don’t know where to go from here.
Post # 26
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
anotherannonobee : For your husband to even utter the words that he’s fearful for what you’ll look like after you carry and bear his child is disgusting. There’s no excuse. Does he regularly shame women’s appearances? That is point blank period not okay.
Not like it would ever be okay but you gained 20 pounds?! That’s not even that much. I understand that physical attraction is important and it’s fair to want to be attracted to your partner but 20 pounds doesn’t change your body enough to make attraction difficult.
And if he’s gained 20 pounds too, he has no right to say those things to you.
Your husband sounds like a misogynistic ass.
Post # 27
20 lbs can be a lot on certain frames. My normal weight is 105. Were I to gain 20 lbs, it would be very very noticeable. So I don’t understand why everyone is claiming “20 lbs is nothing.” We don’t know OP’s frame or starting weight for reference.
As to the husband comments, I would be ok if my husband expressed concern over weight gain on my part. I would NOT be ok if he revealed that the basis of his attraction for me was my physical appearance. That is honestly a marriage killer, in my opinion.
Because even if you are able to control your weight for the rest of your life, aging is STILL going to happen. You will still develop crows feet and other expression lines. Your skin will grow looser as you lose mouscle tone. Your T&A will start to sag. You will develop age spots. Etc ad nauseum. It’s really a losing game to try to “keep” someone attracted with your looks in a marriage. If I thought my husband’s attraction for me was entirely founded on my looks, I wouldn’t have married him.
I dated a man in the past who made me feel like I had to work to “keep” him attracted, and it was an exhausting hell. Never again.
So no, I don’t think my marriage could recover from this.
ESPECIALLY once you add in the pregnancy comment. I have always been thin and muscular and my OWN greatest fear with pregnancy is how it will change my body. How will I feel about the loose skin and potentially extra weight after having a baby? How will I feel about having a little pouch because I’ve never had one before?? Will I have the same body confidence? Will I have the same joy for sex that I have now, knowing that a lot of that comes from my body confidence?? If I lose my joy for sex, will my husband lose his attraction and love for me? When I express these fears to my husband, he 100% reassures me that my looks are not the basis for his attraction to and love for me.
In my own marriage it’s my husband who’s gained weight. He had a flat stomach when I met him and now he has a gut. He has expressed to me that he’s unhappy with it and is trying to modify his diet to bring his weight back down. Knowing that he cares about his weight and health is enough for me. I would only become upset or concerned if I felt he was gaining weight with wild abandon and he stopped eating right and going to the gym. Because that would be out of character for him, and I would want to dig deeper.
Weight gain alone, though?? Not a problem. Of course he *looked* a bit hotter with a flat stomach, but I don’t have sex with the man because he looks like a firefighter on a calendar. I have sex with him because I LOVE him and I want to CONNECT with him.
Post # 28
I don’t think you realized what you were signing up for when you knowingly married someone you describe as selfish. That’s not a minor character flaw; in most cases, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with a selfish partner because selfish people don’t know how to be in a true partnership. As life goes on, his selfishness will show in other ways too. You really think it’s a good idea to have kids with a selfish person? He will NOT pull his weight and you’ll be stuck handling all the childcare duties by yourself. Can you be happy with a husband who refuses to help you take care of the kids? What kind of example will that set for the kids? Surely you wouldn’t want your kids modeling his selfish behavior.
Sorry to be so negative, but I think it was a mistake to overlook his selfishness and marry him anyway. That’s a major red flag that you ignored.
Post # 29
After reading your update… If you married him KNOWING he is emotionally selfish, you’ve just got to decide if you’d rather leave him now and get back in the dating game while still relatively young… or BE LEFT by him in another 5-10 years, after you’ve tied yourself to him with children.
Because emotionally selfish men who make their wives feel like they’re “not enough” always leave, ime.
Post # 30
- Wedding: August 2017 - Orange County, CA
anotherannonobee : This is a huge red flag, bee. Your recent weight gain might be due to house/marriage stress this time but what about the future? What if you have a medical issue, need to take medication, or any of the other hundreds of reasons someone might gain weight and not be able to lose it?
This smacks of selfish insensitivity and I feel that your husband is being a terrible partner.