Does your marriage recover after he says hes not attracted to you anymore?

posted 8 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

anotherannonobee :  ugh that is so hard to hear. Is this something that you guys could talk about? Like about how this has influenced you? I can’t imagine it would be a fun conversation but I think it’d be worthwhile to have a deeper conversation. 

Post # 32
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

anotherannonobee :  I’m probably going to get backlash but I’m going to say it’s not messed up for him to be less attracted to you now that you’ve gained weight. And it a good sign hes being honest with you rather than just cheat on you. That means he loves you but physically the spark is dying. Me and my FH have an agreement to try to stay fit for each other. When we first started dating we both gained a little weight because we went out to eat all the time and we started cuddling on the couch more than exercising. We decided to get back into fitness and I personally wouldnt have a problem with him telling me I’ve gained weight because it creeps up without one noticing and I’d rather be told that I’ve gained 10 pounds rather than waking up and realizing I’ve gained 50. 

 

But you say hes gained weight too? I think you need to consider his feelings on the topic of sexual attraction. Everyone goes through rough patches with their body and your partner should love you but after a while, if a body condition can be fixed but isnt being fixed then it starts getting a little old. Why not both of you start exercising together? Bee, hes being honest with you. Its important for couples to be able to express their feelings and hes doing just that. Sounds like a deep conversation is needed.

ETA: I’ll add that I have a smaller frame but gain weight predominantly in my belly so 20lbs for me would be a big deal but on other body frames not so much. So I didnt comment on whether 20 lbs does or doesnt make a difference.

Post # 33
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee

anotherannonobee :  I’m really concerned by your update, bee. You say he’s selfish and that “he fulfills other needs other than caring about my feelings.” Not caring about your feelings is a big deal. That’s a very basic quality in a partner… 

Post # 34
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I think it’s actually him trying to find a reason why things aren’t as they used to be. It’s normal that after being together for some years and living a daily life makes everything seem to be routine. So in my opinion he’s just pinning it to your weight gain. He’s trying to figure out why things aren’t the same anymore and looking at pictures from when everything was fresh he happens to see that you gained weight in the mean time. Does this make sense?

For him it’s easier to say that’s your fault, instead of seeing that it’s something that needs to be worked on from the two of you.

Post # 35
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

You could weigh what you did when you met… and stay that perfect 115.97234lbs for all eternity… but nothing else can possbily stay the same. Babies or not. No treadmill or tit job is going to solve this reality. 

He isn’t in it for the long haul. 

And might I add… I will be one lucky and grateful woman if I am someday saggy and old. Some people don’t make it out of their prime.

Post # 36
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

honeybunbee :  i see what youre saying. this actually happened to my aunt. she was always super lean and gorgeous then she got married and literally 1 year later she had gained 100 pounds. her hubby started cheating on her. we felt bad for her but we could see his side too. 100 pounds is alot of weight to gain in a year. she just completely let herself go. but this isnt that. 20 lbs? anyone can gain 20 lbs. thats a bullshit excuse for a husband

Post # 37
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Attraction to your spouse should be based on more than physical appearance. Physical appearance is for sure a factor, but there is also your personality, all the qualities you have, your memories together as a couple, your caring and love for each other, and much much more. In fact, physical attraction often happens BECAUSE of those other qualities. When I first met my husband, I thought he was cute, but not heart-stopping or anything. After getting to know him, I now think he’s drop-dead gorgeous. It’s because I know what a great person he is and that has changed my perception of him physically as well as in other ways.

If a change in physical appearance (weight gain, scars from surgery, sagging skin, aging, etc.) is enough to wipe out all attraction to your spouse, I think that’s problematic. When I look at my husband, I see more than just a body. What happens when you get sick or become disabled? If it’s all about the body, you don’t stand on very solid ground.

To answer your question, I think it’s very hard to come back from a relationship where you’ve been told you are not attractive to your spouse. He sounds immature and entitled, honestly. Weight gain, weight loss, wrinkles, aging, accidents, illness — this is life. If 20 pounds does him in, he’s not fit for a long-term committment.

My ex told me this after I had cancer and gained weight (not related, they just both happened). I eventually lost the weight and recovered from cancer treatments, but that did not take the sting out of the realization that his love was conditional on my body mass and health status. We divorced.

Post # 38
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’d totally go to therapy. I wonder what else is riding on his current state of mind. If a lot has been going on, it might be good to have someone facilitate getting thoughts and feelings straightened out. If it’s honestly just physical appearance then it really depends on how important that is to him. From the comments in this thread, I gather that physical appearance is super important to some people. Maybe he could sort through some stuff and realize that a marriage is about a lot more than physical appearance. Maybe not? Good to know now. Worrying about body change with pregnancy could also be conflation of worrying about other changes. Hard to tell without someone really talking to him in a way that you probably are too close to.

I was about 105 lbs and fairly skinny when I met my husband (I’m 5’4″ and small boned). I gained weight in the first year from stress, surgery, and then TTC and being pregnant. I was about 180 when I gave birth and he never made one disparaging remark. I’m sure that on the surface I was not as attractive as I was when we met, but I was having our baby and he loved that. I then settled around maybe 120 and that felt pretty comfortable for my body. I didn’t want to be a gym rat anymore. He was super supportive. I’m pregnant again and he loves bringing me snacks when I need them. 

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