(Closed) Does your partner put his family or friends before you?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Does your partner put his family or friends before you?

    He always puts me first

    He sometimes puts his family before me

    He always puts his family before me

    He sometimes puts his friends before me

    He always puts his friends before me

    He never puts me first

    He sometimes put himself before me

    He always puts himself before me

  • Post # 48
    Member
    2022 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @MrsPanda99:  Oh no! Fiance knows I am #1. I made that very clear early on in our relationship!  Now we joke about him calling #2, and #3 (girlfriends).  We always put eachother first though on a serious note.  Yeah family is important but so is a marriage. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    830 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    If I answered no to this question, I can’t imagine marrying him….

    Post # 50
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    View original reply
    @iarebridezilla:  LOL, this!  But TBH I think we both kinda like that our world is mostly just me and him… 🙂

    Even when it comes to simple stuff, if it will make me happy Fiance will do it…  That still floors me sometimes.  I will say “but what do YOU want” and he’ll say “this, because it’ll make you happy”. 

     

    Post # 51
    Member
    9941 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Our relationship is what matters most to us above everyone and everything else; we always put each other first, no question.

    Post # 52
    Member
    4697 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @MrsPanda99:  We’re the same, our life is just the 3 of us (dog too!) and it’s always both of our priority over anyone else, both to me and to him. I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with a guy who put his mother/ sister/ friends over me.. what’s the point of being together if we don’t make each other a priority?

    Post # 53
    Member
    1188 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    I would say that if it came down to it, he would put me first… But sometimes (being that he is a rampant people-pleaser) sometimes I get placed in second in small ways, because I think he has slight anxiety about alienating people if he says no to them, but he knows that I will love him regardless. So if we have plans to meet at the gym when I get off work, and a guy friend of his wants to go to the gym earlier, he will text and say “I’m going to the gym earlier now with Joe, but I’ll see you when you get home!”

    Stuff like that isn’t a big deal, but sometimes it’s irritating since we already had plans. I know that if I asked him to he’d just stick to our plan, but meh. I think the part that bugs me sometimes is that he never TELLS his friends he had plans with me, so it’s not their fault at all.

    Post # 54
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m not sure we’ve ever been in a scenario where he’s had to choose. Our families live out of state so there’s never really been a time when we’ve had to put someone above the other but if it was ever a situtation that warranted, I’d probably defer to his family if they needed him. But if I felt like he frivolously put others before me and my needs/sensible wants, I wouldn’t be with him. We’re just really in tune…and luckily everyone we deal with is mature as well I guess, very low drama.

    Post # 55
    Member
    2537 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    He puts me first before family and friends, but whilst we aren’t living together that is quite easy as I don’t usually tend to expect to see him until the weekends. If he has made plans with his friends then he will let me know. It will be interesting to see wha happens after we get married. 

    However, work is a bigger issue. If we have plans to do something specific (e.g. We’ve been invited to dinner) then those plans come first but if there is nothing going on then he will say “yes” to working that extra day. It isn’t from a “you were supposed to spend time with me” point of view that I don’t like him working extra hours/extra days with hardly any notice, it is more him giving up his own time and days off. It does not really bother him at the moment, but I have expressed my concerns to him about it and have asked that if he does end up having to work the whole weekend (which is our only time together) that he gets off days in lieu where we are both around in the evening. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    8035 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    He puts me first.

    The only time I think he’d drop something with me would be if it was an emergency or a family funeral, which is totally understandable.

    Post # 57
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    When SO and I first started dating, this was a huge issue in our relationship.

    He has a very close group of friends and he found it difficult to balance developing our relationship and maintaining his friendships. Unfortunately one of his friends dislikes me (for no actual reason) and made this very difficult – at every opportunity, he tried to guilt my SO into thinking that our relationship was causing him to neglect his friends, and therefore lose friendships. Ugh.

    I did understand his struggle – before me, he could spend as much time with his friends as he wanted and as he is a very giving, selfless person, he’d usually put their wants and needs before his own. Once we began dating, he had to stop putting their needs first, and put mine first – followed by his and then theirs.

    We had a few instances where he did put their needs first, which caused major resentments with me. It’s taken him a while to realise that by putting his friends above me, he’s negatively affecting our relationship and that our relationship should be more important to him then his friendships.

    It’s only been with this one friend we’ve had issues and SO’s made the decision that if his friend continues to insult me, exclude me and attempt to drive a wedge between us, he’ll end the friendship.

    I should always come first.

    ETA: Obviously there are circumstances where his friends and/or family should come first, but in general I should be his priority.

    Post # 57
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    know that I m writing here way after this original thread was started but I have been in a similar situation recently and these boards have given me so much insight and have helped me so much that I decided to write so that maybe someone seeking some sense in a senseless situation might just come here and find some solace.

    I am almost 30 and i was madly and deeply in love with this guy from the past 2 years. He was everything that I had EVER wanted and just a very nice and caring human being. He was sweet and we never had any issues till everything was ok. 

    When I met his parents, his mom had specific demands about the wedding venue and how it “should be done” and my poor parents agreed to it all for my sake. However, I felt like they were being taken for a ride financially and I stood up for them. I did not speak to my future in-laws directly, instead I spoke to my bf and I genuinely believed that he would see my point and resolve the situation like a sensible MAN would.

    That is when things went awry. He just could not resolve any issues and he went into his shell.He told me he was trying and all this while he was simply depressed. he never thought about how i was feeling  or what my plight was. He sided with his mom and insisted that we do what his mom says. I even called and messaged his mom to apologise if any thing that I said hurt her but she was SO EGOISTIC that she said that my mistakes were unacceptable. I requested her to overlook petty issues for the sake of her son’s happiness and for  my sake (I thought she would understand my plight since she has a daughter of her own) but she never did. 

    I told him that since the aim is to live together – let us just do a simple civil ceremony and we will throw a party once your parents agree. He refused. He said that he would not go against his parents and that he loved them more than he loved me. I asked him wouldnt you be sad if you let me go? He said he would be sad but then that is part of life. Those words still ring in my ears! It was so easy for him to let go! He never loved me because if he did he would have stood up for me and fought for me till his parents agreed.

    I feel so let down and depressed and my self esteem has taken a back seat. I feel that maybe I am not good enough and that I will never find anyone whom I like so much. He ended by saying “You deserve someone better than me” and that “Im weak. you deserve someone who is willing to go to the moon for you.” I cant believe that I fell in love with such a coward who could not even stand up for me.

    Ladies, I am not sure where I am going because I cant see any light right now but I only want you to know that you are not alone. I sincerely hope that he reaps what he has sown and that the universe and karma gets back to him. He told me:” Sorry for waisting your time”. I didnt even know what to say after that…

    Post # 58
    Member
    1596 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    View original reply
    princessggg :  in what ways did he put his family before you when you were dating vs now? Also is it bad that even when we were bf gf for the most part i expected to come before his mom? To be fair i should clarify that we dated for 5 years before we got engaged so it wasnt like we were dating a short period of time when i expected to come first.

    Post # 59
    Member
    1893 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

    I always feel like I’m his number one priority but it depends on the situation family is very important to us

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