Post # 1
You know how the saying goes. You’ll end up treating your partner the way you treat your own parents and HE will end up treating you the way he treats his parents (especially his MOTHER).
It worries me a lot because I have a very complicated relationship with my mum (my dad died when I was a baby and my mum stayed single). We hardly communicate because she brought me up that way. Total silence, not talking about ANYTHING, not sharing anything. At times she’d even scold me for talking or shut me up abruptly!
Now, it’s never getting better with her, despite lots of efforts on her part and on mine too! Yes, cos now she wants to talk to me and listen to me, but problem is it’s so heavy on my mouth to open up about anything to her! I’d find it easier to lift a mountain than to talk to my own mum. I share EVERYTHING with other people around me, but I notice that I use the silence treatment very often when I’m upset with people (I’m so good at it ) but I tried hard, very hard to improve on that.
Whatever the case, I’m conscious of the fact that I have very poor communication skills in general and in all areas of my life (work, friendship, love etc)
I wouldn’t like to live with my SO the way I am with my mum ( I want to be able to share and talk about EVERYTHING AT ANY TIME, and to be able to do so years into the mariage.
So I wanted to know from the bees who’ve been maried for long/ in long term relationships if that saying proved to be true in their relationships, and if so, to what extent?
Post # 3
Not true in mine. I have no relationship with my dad – haven’t since I was 3 and my mom never remarried. FI has an ok relationship with his parents but they are on another continent. So they are close but it’s not like they talk daily and know all details of life.
I think you’re relationship with your SO is waht you make it. You can learn as much about yourself and your relationship from watching your parents and learning waht NOT to do. It’s all a conscious decision – you see patterns you like, you repeat them. You recognise things that are unhealthy and you take steps to NOT do that.
Post # 4
Not true in mine. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We hardly ever argue, and when we do, it has never turned into a yelling match. We enjoy each other’s company and respect each other. We live a very fun, laid back lifestyle without many stresses and the stresses we do have (like my health and whatnot), we take in stride and support each other.
I talk to my parents maybe once every few months after they call and harass me about details on my children. We live a 24 hour drives from them and moved here 2.5 years ago. My life has dramatically improved since as has my mental well-being (I struggled with mental illness and was in therapy by age 7). My parents aren’t evil people, they just didn’t want a daughter like me and made that abundantly clear while showing blatant favoritism to my sisters. They weren’t there for me when I needed them, so I just slowly learned not to rely on them for anything.
Now that my life is good, they all want to join into it, but it’s too little too late. I have my husband and my children and that’s all that matters to me.
My husband talks to his family occasionally. He doesn’t hate them, they just aren’t close. In the 2.5 years we’ve lived here, we’ve seen his family twice and mine once (I wanted to see my niece and nephews).
Our parental relationships taught us how not to be.
Post # 5
Not the same at all. At. All.
Post # 6
I couldn’t think of relationships that are any less related.
The only similar relationships I’ve had are with some best friends and exes. And they can’t hold a candle to the one I have with him, he’s literally the best thing to ever walk into my life.
However, I strongly believe that how a man treats his mother says a lot about him (assuming his mother was not abusive or something extreme like that). FI is not the first “mama’s boy” I’ve dated, and contrary to popular belief, “mama’s boys” are where it’s at, IMO. (Of course, that’s as long as they’re the ones taking care of mama, not the other way around!) To me it shows what an excellent father he will be.
Post # 8
Nope. My parents divorced when I was a baby and never really talked after that. My dad passed away a few years ago and I don’t speak to my mother. He loves his parents, but they divorced when he was a kid and, while they never communicate, I think they’re okay with one another (but his mom hates his stepmom for whatever reason). He’s very open with both of his parents. He and I are very open with one another.
Post # 9
I’m very open and communicative with my FI, but not so much with my parents. Since I was a teenager, my parents and I became very emotionally distant. I won’t go into details, but they basically were unwilling to support me in treating my issues with depression. I realized that I could not rely on them for emotional support and turned to my friends and (eventually) my FI. My FI and I are always there for each other and he’s helped me become a better person. We still visit our families and catch up, but I’m really not involved with my family’s lives like I used to be.
Post # 10
FI and my relationship is really good. However with our parents, its complicated.
For instance, my mom and I are really close but I want nothing to do with my dad (long story) even though they’re still married. They fight ALL the time, literally I told my FI we needed to hurry up and get our house finished so I can get myself out of this hostile environment.
For FI, his dad and him are somewhat close. I think he feels like his dad judges him on some things. His mom and him would be SO much closer if she wasn’t such a control freak. He’s 22 and she still treats him like he’s 5 half the time. I’ll admit she’s come a LONG way since we started dating though.
Post # 11
I think a lot of it has to do with what we’ve learned really strongly affects how we treat the people we love. I voted other I’ll explain because in some ways, yes, we treat each other the way we treat our parents. But I know for us, its the unconditional love and respect for other people that we have learned and carried through. And for different reasons. He grew up in a home with wonderfully happy high school sweethearts for parents and a big sister who loved him and was really very good to him as far as siblings go! He always hd that unconditional supportive enviroment so he has always understood and wanted that. His prents treat him with respect and as a result, he treats them and me with that same respect. He learned from ayoung age that that is what works.
I grew up in a crazy house with a sick brother, controlling and distant (not entirely by her choice, she was very busy with the sick brother)mom and a bunch of siblings s far spaced from me (my older brother is six years older than me and my younger brother five years younger than me) We didn’t understand each other, our mother or why we were in this crazy situations. We learned a lot about love and respect in a very different way because we ddn’t have a lot of it at first and we understand the damage. As we grew up and moved out of our house, we found people who taught us a whole knew set of values and we know now, just bcause we ddn’t know it when we were young, doesn’t mean we’re not as solid in respecting one another as we can be. And as a result I treat my parents and my SO with that respect that I finally understand.
Just because your relationship with your parents wasn’t always functional doesn’t mean good lfe values can’t come of it. There are good lessons and virtues in bad situations, it happens! :
Post # 12
Well we both treat our parents with love and respect, and treat each other with the same level of respect and love, so I guess yes? Clearly there are differences in how we interact with each other vs. how we interact with our parents.
Post # 13
Not true at all in my marriage. His parents have a shit relationships while my parents is good. There are differences in in each of our marriages and the way we all treat each other. How he treats his mother is no reflection of how he treats me.
In terms of respect then yes. We have just as much respect for our parents as we have for each other (at least my parents).
Post # 14
I do. In fact, I’d argue that that’s why I consider my SO family. Because I love him and depend on him like family. I can’t imagine ever marrying someone who didn’t just fall into place like that. He loves me at my most natural, annoying state (like my parents!) and it’s wonderful.
Post # 15
I see what you mean.
Somedays I find myself yelling at FH to “stop acting like your father!”, and that makes me sad. But it’s not to say that he treats me like his father does his mother – – although my MIL told me countless times that my FIL wasn’t like he is not, in his young days he was sweet and kind and loving, and now he’s just a bitter cranky old man. Maybe age just gets to ya? Idk.
But I do see similarities in our behavior towards each other with the behavior our parents had on us…not that we emulate our parents’ behaviors with each other. If that makes any sense.
Post # 16
I’m lucky because though we have our moments (/eras), all in all my parents are very openly loving, affectionate, and supportive. In this way things are the same w my SO. He also has good parents he has good relationships with. So we are very lucky!
@winstonchurchill: +1. My ex was a total douchebag who never clicked with my family or their style. My sister’s ex wasn’t a douche, but he was very emotionally withdrawn (kinda cold) especially compared to us and never totally clicked either. Now my sister and are both with people that ‘just fell into place’ in our family! (also both are italian like us too so maybe that’s a factor! haha!) I def feel like I can act (and look!) as silly, goofy, weird around him as I do my own family. That really does make him seem like my family and not just a boyfriend!