(Closed) Does your SO ASK for sex?

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 32
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

Well…..I get asked for BJs more than I do sex.  Mr V has no problem taking over in that arena…I guess I’m not as forthcoming with the other stuff haha.  I didn’t see anyone else write this so I wasn’t going to and then I thought I’d put it out there hahaha!!

Post # 33
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Jw1724:  OP, my Darling Husband and I don’t actually ask each other…we just start kissing and touching in a way that leads to sex.  And for those asking how he’ll know if you’re in the mood or not if he doesn’t ask, it’s really not that awkward.  Foreplay (at least for us), usually goes in stages.  First kissing, then light touching and then obviously if Darling Husband gets his hands down my pants and I don’t stop him, it’s a green light.  We rarely ever turn each other turn, but if it does happen to be a time that one of us isn’t in the mood, we just tell the other one honestly before things go too far.  Obviously I don’t wait until I’m naked and straddling Darling Husband to tell him I’m not in the mood  ;P


Why don’t you try initiating without asking, as an example to him of what you want?  Kiss him, touch him, back him up against the counter and just let sex happen.  Then after (AFTER) you guys are fully done having sex, in a nonconfrontational way, you could tell him that that’s the type of approach you’re looking for?


I am lucky to have a Darling Husband that 90% of the time, is amazing at foreplay and not just trying to stick it right in; but sometimes guys literally need it spelled out for them that women enjoy and need foreplay, and to take time leading up to actual penetration to be in the mood.


Good luck!

Post # 34
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Sunfire:  I wouldn’t like if he asked me. It would feel weird, like he was asking for permission. I don’t know, for us it would be awkward to do it any other way than naturally.

Post # 35
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Jw1724:  I’ve always found that when it gets like this (stagnant so to speak) it’s time to man up and inspire the spark ourSelves. Grab a lighter and spark it up. You have just as muh ability as he does to make your sex life exciting. He does not hold all the cards.

Step up, be inspired, and take charge. Get your sexiest outfit on, strut your stuff all day and make that boy take you to bed! 

Its so easy to be all “he’s not interested in me and he’s not giving me any” um no!! He IS interested in you, that’s why he’s here, and just cuz things aren’t that exciting right now doesn’t mean you can’t make it!!

Get out there and get him 😉

Post # 36
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sugar_biscuit:  Lol I know what you mean. There are situations where I think going right for it is hot, but Fiance and I watch a lot of TV, so for us there’s a lot of light rubbing/stroking, then groping, and right to bed as soon as the show ends.

Sometimes it’s just a little bit of stroking on the thigh and I’m like “I love you but my stomach still feels weird” or vice versa. That’s rare though, luckily Fiance and I have very similar libidos, and are pretty good at reading eachother, so if the other is clearly exhausted or something we don’t try.

Post # 37
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Jw1724:  Have you asked him why he asks for sex instead of just kissing you and dragging you the bedroom? Maybe he is afraid of rejection. Maybe he doesnt want to get turned on and have you say no. So either you have to have an agreement that every single time he initiates, you have to have sex with him (unless you have a cold or AF or something). Or you devise another way he can test out the waters without turning you off. 

I read some where about a bean (or penny) and a bowl system. There are 2 bowls and bean. When one partner wants sex, you put the bean in the other person’s bowl. Then that person has 24 hours to initiate sex or put the bean back in the other person’s bowl indicating you want them to initiate. Dont know what you do if you want to say no. 

As for what we do, we are in our 40’s and even though we dont have kids, the sex drive has dropped. So waiting for both of us to “be in the mood” at the same time would never work. We’ve found that even if we arent in the mood, sometimes if you just give it a chance, the mood will come. So if one person is in the mood, we just ask, “You wanna have sex?” Then we crawl into bed naked and talk and kiss and soon the mood hits. If he just grabbed me while I was in the middle of doing something, I certainly would turn him down. 

In the end, it doenst matter how anyone else does it. You just have to find something that workd for the BOTH of you. 

Post # 38
746 posts
Busy bee

@Jw1724:  Tell him that.  Seriously.  Just say “Sometimes I want you to just roll over on top of me and kiss me”. 

I’ve told Darling Husband a variation of that, and in response he said that he’d be afraid do that for fear I’ll reject him b/c I’m not in the mood.  Which is fair, as I have a much lower libido than him.  Since we’ve talked about it I’ve become much better about initiating sex when I’m in the mood, thus saving him the fear of “rejection”.  It’s made our sex life loads better.  Because it honestly does take me awhile to get in the mood sometimes, if at all – I tend to be anxious/emotional and if I’m upset or whatever, it’s not happening.

Yeah.  Just flat-out tell him – he’ll probably appreciate it!

Post # 39
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

both Fiance and I are askers, but really were both super busy. so him saying “wanna have sex?” is bascially like “are you too busy or tired?” lol

If i don’t have a tremendous amount of homework that i feel like i’m going crazy, i’m up for sex. i’m not that hard to get

Post # 40
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He does sometimes, but it’s more in a playful funny way… He also prefers AM sexing – I think a ton of guys do. Usually he doesn’t ask but sometimes after I get off work he does the whole “I’ve been thinking about you all day…” “You wanna get a quickie before dinner?” with a big goofy smile on his face…. If he straight up asked “You want to have sex right now” that would be a big turnoff….. Maybe you could suggest your guy get a little more playful and fun with his delivery? Or better yet, why don’t you! I bet he’ll pick up on it pretty quickly!

Post # 41
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Jw1724:  We sometimes will be like after we get done doing this let’s go take a nap.  And it means sex but often a nap follows! Ha!

Maybe you could start it off the way you want to be pursued and kiss him and get hot and heavy and then after the fact tell him “gosh it was so sexy how you were kissing me…” and maybe he will think it was his idea and start doing it that way more often.

Post # 42
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I usually ask. I have the higher sex drive of our relationship and It’s really disheartening to try to initiate and get shot down. I’d rather just see if he’s in the mood and then kick up the romance. I’ll sacrifice a touch of romance for preserving my self esteem.

Maybe there’s a middle point here where he could satisfy his own need to know if you’re in the mood by asking and then he could be romantic after you confirm, thereby satisfying your desire to feel desired. He probably thinks he IS telling you that you’re wanted and desired by asking in the first place.

Post # 43
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes he asks, sometimes I ask, sometimes I initiate, sometimes he does. I really varies.

But in terms of feeling wanted AND asking, my SO sometimes phrases it like “I want you. Now or later?” Which is still take-charge and swoony, but gives me the option to push it off if need be. Maybe coach your SO on language that will still leave you with a happy heart?

Post # 44
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Jw1724:  lol yes my Darling Husband is always like can i give you the business? Poor guy has been deprived since I’ve been pregnant. He’ll ask like 3 days in advance so I can schedule it in on the weekend. I’ll usually ask him too. It’s just kind of how we are. It works for us.  If you don’t like it though definitely communicate to him that you wish he’d do XYZ instead.

Post # 46
12245 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Nope. I have to initiate it. EVERY TIME. I wish he would ask or start it or something!

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