Post # 1
This is kind of hard for me to write… I will try to sum up what I’m feeling. I would really love any advice.
DH and I have been together for just short of 3 years and married for 3 months as of today. He’s great and our relationship is everything I’ve ever wanted. I love being married but there is one transition I’m really struggling with.
Since getting married and moving in together, I feel like his sex drive has gone down and mine has gone up 🙁 He used to CONSTANTLY initiate sex. Like as in he never gave me a chance to even think about initiating – he always beat me to it! Every single day. I’ve always felt really desired and wanted by him and our sex life has always been awesome, but things have changed since we got married.
We still have sex regularly, but he initiates a lot less. He also has trouble performing sometimes.
I know things are different now – we live together, have more responsibilities, he has a lot of work stress on his shoulders, etc. but I have a hard time not taking it personally. I genuinely crave that time with him and I love feeling wanted, desired by him so when he doesn’t show any interest I feel sad. I’ve mentioned it to him before and he told me he would love if I initiated sometimes, too.
So last night he got in bed and came to snuggle up to me. We haven’t been intimate since last weekend – I know that’s not a long time, but just a few months ago we were doing it 1x or 2x a day. I really wanted to be initimate with him last night so I tried to initiate. About a minute later he sighed really loud and said “You should have done this 30 minutes ago.” And that was it.
I’m not sure why this hurt my feelings so much. I totally understand that we will not have sex everyday of our marriage and he will not be in the mood sometimes. I know that he’s attracted to me and I know he is faithful to me. I know that work and stress and energy all play into it. I know this is the first time he’s turned me down so it’s not like it’s a perpetual problem. I know I cant exoect him to be ready for sex all the time. So I’m not sure why I take it so personsally when he doesn’t want sex/actively showing sexual interest in me? This is really bothering me. DH is the first and only man I’ve ever been with, so I don’t know if maybe it’s because I subconsciously equate sex to love?? Or one of my biggest fears is having a sexless, less than affectionate marriage – maybe that’s it? I’m not sure, but my self esteem has felt a little deflated all day, especially when I think about last night.
I know this is an issue with me, so I guess I’m just looking for bees with similar feelings or advice. I mean, I’m sure this transition is normal… Right?
Post # 2
I have a really high sex drive, and have rarely been with guys who could keep up.
#1 reason for guys sex drive to go down is work stress.
#2 is being tired.
Dont take it personally. I’m a really emotional person too, so when my man says things to me I often take it hard and cry easily. He doesn’t mean it in a hurtful way, guys just aren’t hardwired to think of wording things nicely.
Try not to let it get to you. Instead, try to help him relax. Give him massages, have a few drinks with him, encourage him to work out. Whatever it takes, just focus on getting him less stressed and the sex will come 🙂
Post # 3
It’s normal for sex drives to fluctuate, and for things to change with environmental and emotional changes. Is he under any extra pressure at work or is there any family stuff going on? When these things happen in my relationship we definitely have a reduction in sexytimes.
Have you communicated to him the way you’re feeling? I find that when I ask my Fiance “What can we each do to make this better?” it helps. “I know you don’t mean it this way, but I connect physical intimacy with love, and it hurts me when I feel that you’re uninterested in sex. I would like to have sex more frequently, what can we do to achieve that?”
Post # 4
I totally get where you are coming from. It’s really hard, because we are kind of conditioned to think men are ready at the drop of a hat, and it becomes a personal insult when they aren’t. I honestly love this website for all sexy info – similar tone to Cosmo but they seem to get their info from scientific articles they actually link to. These articles might help?
Post # 5
I think often moving in together really changes things and you have to get used to changing gears from home/life/relaxing to sex/partner time for yourself rather than it being situational. Its normal for things to slow down and for him to not always be in the mood. On the other hand, it sounds like that was a pretty cruel way to turn you down. He could say it in a MUCH nicer way so that it might sting a little if you aren’t used to it, but it won’t hurt so much.
Post # 6
Try not to take it personally hes probably just stressed and tired. Try to plan ahead for bedtime, sounds like you just tried too late last night and he needed to get to sleep. Does he get up earlier than you? My husband usually gets up earlier than me so I totally understand when I start trying to initiate and he tells me it’s too late and he’s tired. He doesn’t mean anything against me and he will usually make it up to me later. But I also will just try to get us to go to bed earlier so it’s not an issue. Or I initiate something when he first gets home instead of waiting for bedtime. And if all else fails just learn to take care of yourself…can really take the edge off if you’re horny
Post # 7
Try not to feel hurt by it. I think this is natural. I would probably run from a guy who wanted it all the time always anyway! I know for me, I work a butt ton and I also have RA, so I get mega tired. Sometimes I really really really just need to sleep. Its not that I dont love Fiance or that I dont find him attractive anymore, etc, its just that my body needs different things at different times.
Post # 8
He could be stressing like you said, and getting adjusted to your new life together. It’s quite possible things will get better once things settle down in your new life. While Fiance and I were dating, I tried initiating and he no joke, jumped out of bed and yelled “I dont have time for this!”. Granted, it was in the morning and he had to go to work. I took it personally… talked to him about it and realized it wasn’t towards me.
Have you talked to him about it at all? Maybe he doesn’t even really realize it, or maybe he has alot of his chest that he’d like to talk about, but doesn’t feel like being a burden to you.
Post # 9
Totally normal. (Well, my guy has never had preformance issues yet – but all the other stuff) And if you pretty much have never been turned down before, this is just a process you need to go through emotionally until you get to the other side. It’s a little like a spoiled child that was never told “No” right? It’s gonna really hurt the first time you hear it. But you’ll learn that it’s really not the end of the world. And he didn’t even say he didn’t want you — he just wanted you 30 minutes ago! lol. Timing sucks sometimes. Sometimes it seems like just when I get over a bad cold and am ready for action again – that’s when it finally hits DH. Like seriously? But that’s just life.
Post # 10
Eh, I wouldn’t worry I’m in a similar situation with my DH (we’ve been married 3 months too!) My sex drive has definitely gone up and every time I’ve tried to initiate, he turns me down but I know it’s because he’s been stressed and exhausted from work.
We’ve been having romantic nights in during weekends though, maybe plan something!
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2016 - Long Island, NY
We’re not married yet, but my sex drive is definitely higher than FI’s. He is currently in school again, and is often tired or studying so it is usually me who initiates. If he is not totally exhausted, he is responsive, but if he had a very long day or is extremely focused on his work he will turn me down.
Weekends are easy, since I don’t work and he doesn’t go to school, so at least then we’ll be on the same page 😉
Post # 12
ummm the fact that he made you feel bad about this makes me think you need to have a talk with him. he shouldn’t be telling you “you should have done this 30 minutes ago” as if he’s punishing you. Not cool.
Post # 13
daisybee90: he shouldn’t be telling you “you should have done this 30 minutes ago” as if he’s punishing you.
How is that punishing her? He was being honest. It was bedtime – he probably needed to go to sleep to get up in the morning. He was just being honest…30 min ago would have worked but now he’s got to get to sleep.
I agree she needs to tell him how she feels but I don’t think he’s punishing her.
Post # 14
What’s sex? HAHA JK. DH still has the sex drive of a 30 year old. Mine has drastically gone down, often it is me telling him no. But getting older (I am 43) and having 2 boys (10 and 7) will do that to you. When we first started dating and living together (19 years ago) it was every night, sometimes more! Now it is more like once or twice a week. But our relationship is not based on sex. We have a great communication relationship and that is key.
You both need to talk about how the other feels about this.
Post # 15
Talk to him about it. I am sure he will tell you he still desires you, and it’s not you, it’s him. That should help at least a little to be reassured.