- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
As for just the act of turning down at all- that’s perfectly normal and you should try not to let it hurt your self esteem. Stress is a killer- especially to libido. I definitely have a higher sex drive than my Fiance and he does turn me down on occassion because he is tired and/or stressed. It’s not a huge deal, but when it’s happened a couple times and is becoming a problem for me I will tell him “I would really like to have sex before the week is out”. It’s not the sexiest way to get it done, but it lets him know I have a need and he can do whatever it is he has to do to make it happen. So he’ll make sure to come to bed early with me, or whatever.
Just talk about it. Figure out how to meet both his need for sleep and your need for intimacy. And, you know, he doesn’t have to “perform” for you two to be intimate. You can always have a night together that’s just about you.
Girl, I totally understand and feel for you. You are not wrong for wanting those things! Don’t ever feel guilty for wanting to feel wanting, especially by your husband. I’ve been in this exact position and the only advice I can give you, and I wish I could give you more hope, is that sometimes in long-term relationships, our sex drives change over time. Sometimes mine is way up and his is way down. Maybe a few months later, it might be the other way around. Things happen in our life that can positively or negatively affect our sex drive. We’re not always on the same level, that’s what I’ve found true for my fiance and I. In the first few years, we had sex 1-2x a day, every day. It was rare we went more than a day or two. I think we were both so in love and it was so new and exciting. NOT SAYING it’s not exciting anymore, but we just have shifted into a different stage. I wish I could tell you more other than that he might just be on a low right now while you’re on a sexual high. What worked for me was to let my fiance know that I was feeling a little ignored sexually and I wanted more sex. I told him that I understood he was working so hard for us and how much I appreciated him. I asked what I could do to make his day easier. I asked him when the last time I made him feel wanted was. This helped so much. Have hope, talk as openly and calmly with your husband as you can, and when all else fails, just jump him. 😉 Good luck and I wish you the best! <3
Hi everyone! I loved reading your responses – thank you for everything! After reading your thoughts I feel like I’ve had a chance to reflect on my feelings.
I don’t think he was necessarily trying to be cruel or to punish me by his “30 minutes ago” comment. I think he just geniunely meant he would have been up for it 30 minutes ago when he wasn’t as sleepy lol. But on another note, it did hurt my feelings a lot. It was just a week ago that he was encouraging me to initiate sometimes. This is still really new for me – DH and I have only been having sex for a year (Me, not him, he had other partners before me) – and when I notice that he isn’t as interested in sex anymore, I feel a little guilty/weird asking for it. I know this is just sonething I need to get over, so I initiated Wednesday night because I really wanted it and because he had just encouraged me to initiate when I feel frisky (haha). So I felt like I was finally taking charge, so to speak, and then he shot me down 🙁 I don’t think it would have hurt my feelings so much if he had said it in a different way, so I think I just need to talk to him about how he handled it.
To answer questions, he is under a great deal of stress right now. He also gets up about an hour earlier than I do and has a more physical job than I do – He is in the military and I am an Accountant. Although I am mentally tired at the end of the day I can’t really say I’m physically exhausted like he probably is. So, it really makes sense that I am ready to go more often than he Is right now. I also am a little different because, for me, sex is a stress reliever… But that also might be playing off the fact that I’m not physically tired. If I was exhausted and stressed I would probably just want to sleep.
I feel like, after talking with you bees, I have a better understanding that although we share our lives, we have very different daily roles and different wants/needs. It’s different – transitioning from having him all over me all the time to me wanting sex and yet feeling like he isn’t interested. As a PP said, I think I just need to realize it isn’t personal and talk to him about my needs. I haven’t directly spoken to him about it before so I’m going to talk to him this weekend. I really like a PP’s suggestion of acknowledging his hard work when I tell him I feel like I need a little more 🙂
My husband have never turn me down on sex, because I never initiate sex to him…. It is always him that do the intiating (he have much higher sex drive than me)…. And when he initiate, I just give and give so he can be happy.
Different stroke for different folks. Our sex life seem fine; whenever my DH wants sex, I give it to him…. He is not missing out on sex, he get it anytime/everytime he needs it…. I do kiss him, I give him hugs, and I do say I love you…. BUT I can’t seem to initiate. To be frank, I don’t know “how” to initiate…. Being a virgin and sexually inexperience sure didn’t help much.
I did talk to my DH about this: I said I’m sorry that I don’t know how to initiate sex to him, because of my culture and I’m sexually inexperience…. And if he is not happy sexually then perhaps he can find another girl who can give him “FUN” in bed. I admit being a virgin sure can be boring in bed…. He called me Silly, and said he doesn’t mind doing all the initiating. And he said he likes to be Dominant in bed…. Well I guess in my case, it works out for us.
OP, my husband works 2 jobs and Both are “Physical labor” jobs, so he is ‘physically’ tired after work…. Everyday loading/unloading Heavy stuff all day sure is not fun…. When he come home, all I want him to do is shower, eat and rest…. Sometimes he works overnight too, so it not like we have the chance to have sex everynight.
We do try to have sex as much as we can when we together, but I understand his jobs. Even if tonight we don’t have sex, tomorrow night we will….. I do have a low sex drive so I never question my husband when it come to sex…. But whenever he initiate it, I always give it to him….. My DH do put in effort to make me feel love outside of bed, that is all I needed…. I actually feel bad for him, his jobs are physically tired and he still so affectionate to me, poor guy.
OP, if your husband outside of bed is loving/caring/affectionate to you… Then even if he turn you down in sex few times, it is okay; DON’T take it personally… And communicate your DH, that when he turn you down in sex, it hurts your feelings… My DH say that I can talk to him about anything, because we are married, so there nothing to be embarrassed about between us… I admit, I say silly and stupid things to my husband alot, Lol… It sure is embarrassing. But heck, like he said, he is my husband afterall.
I think your DH is probably tired. My DH has turned me down before too, and while yes, initially it did hurt a little bit, i then think about the times I’ve turned him down. It would be a double standard for me to tell him he can’t turn me down. And then I also think of the stress that comes with his job. We just went through a period of time where we had sex MAYBE once a week. But it all boiled down to the fact that his job was getting crazy. So I didn’t stress about it. We did talk about it though. And I think you should talk with your DH too, to figure out what’s going on. But I dont think you stresdong about it is doing either of you any good.
I’m sort of in the role of your husband, with my relationship right now. Work became a lot more hectic and stressful, I didn’t have as much time to get exercise in so I was feeling shit about my body, I was stressed and tired *all* the time…none of which is conducive to wanting to have sex. With me, and with your husband, it sounds, it isn’t at all that I/he want to have sex with someone who isn’t our partner…we just don’t want sex at all while we’ll stressed. It’s just completely not on the radar.
My SO and I have talked about this quite a bit (which I recommend!) and some things that have helped us:
1) I make an effort to get some exercise. I just started roller derby a few weeks ago, and I already feel so much better about my body and my appearance and my stress level. Exercise helps with stress SO MUCH. I skate twice a week with the league, but I just got some outdoor wheels and I’m hoping to add at least one or two other sessions on my own. The endorphins from exercise are wonderful.
2) I try to snack at work before I come home, because on top of work stress I also get “hangry”. If I don’t snack, I need to eat dinner right away, and then we’ll be lazy after dinner and want to digest because we’re full, and then suddenly it’s time for me to go to sleep. If I do snack, then dinner isn’t as urgent and there’s potential for pre-dinner shenanigans.
3) My SO doesn’t try to initiate when I have gone to bed. I’ve told him a bunch that when I go to bed it’s because I’m ready to sleep. I also get up well before he does, and I get home well after he does. I’m just more tired than he is, and I have a stricter sleep schedule. I’m also not at all in the mood when I’m tired enough to sleep, and it helps me other times if I don’t feel pressured when he knows I’m tired.
4) I keep in mind sort of how our schedules have gone, and when we might have opportunities, and I try to give my libido a little bit of a jumpstart. So, if it’s Wednesday and I know it’s been a while since we’ve been intimate, and I also know that I have derby Thursday night, he has plans Friday night, etc. then I will (before going home) read a piece of erotica on my phone, then think about that on my drive home. I know it sounds odd, but I just need a longer runway than he does in terms of being ready, so a bit of a jumpstart is super helpful to try and get into the right mindset.
5) This one is also a little odd but…pretend you’ve never slept together. You know when you were dating how you would do little things to initiate contact because it was new and exciting and anything might happen? Approach him like that. Maybe trail your fingers on his wrist. Brush the back of his shoulders when you walk behind him while he’s seated. Wear something low-cut. Remember how it was when you didn’t know you could have him. Make out like you’re trying to get him to push things further. I might not be explaining this well. But treat sex like a thing that you have to “earn” each time, you know? So often I’ve found that long term relationships I’ve been in get this sense of entitlement going (not saying you’re doing this, OP!) where we stop trying to seduce our partners. But seduction is fun! And makes it so much more worthwhile (in my experience).
Hopefully some of this was helpful. My relationship is not everyone’s relationship, but based on what you’ve said, I really think he’s just stressed out and tired. Which does not mean that he shouldn’t make an effort to correct things. He absolutely should. It means that he still thinks you’re hot, his libido just isn’t getting processor power right now and he needs to adjust.
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