(Closed) Does your SO talk to you about your weight..? I feel a little hurt.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. Weight is a huge issue and it’s not easy. Both my Fiance and I gained weight when we settled into living together. At first I didn’t notice but then I started buying larger clothes and thought WTF?! My Fi says no matter what I look like she loves me. And it sounds like your man is trying to get past it. I would sit down with him and seriously talk about it. Tell him how you feel, that you hate to exercise and that you love your Starbucks. These things aren’t likely going to change so if he can’t accept you how you are now and love you and be attracted to you then you’re not going to have a great marriage. Trying to change someone isn’t the way to love and respect them… 

Post # 4
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I used to model. When Fiance and I met, I was around 105-110lbs.


Then life happened, along with stress and medical issues, and I’ve gained about 55 pounds. In about five months. My peak weight was 163. I’m now at 158.


Obviously I think I’m fat. I’m not obese, but I am overweight by about 20 pounds. I’ve been trying to lose the weight for six months, to no avail.


Fiance has been super supportive of me though. He doesn’t think I need to change a thing, and during my “fat” moments, he always reminds me of how beautiful I am to him.


Your SO needs to learn to do the same. If he wants a skinnier chick, he needs to get a skinnier chick. I completely understand that you may feel unattractive to him. He needs to shut his face and let you lose the weight in the way you want to. Ten-twenty pounds isn’t that big of a deal! I hope he doesn’t do it again. He needs to be supportive and make the weight loss about YOU, not him.


It’s perfectly okay to talk to SO’s about your weight, provided it is done sensitively and with kindness. 


Post # 5
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow, this is a touchy subject for most women. I am fortunate that my husband doesn’t care about my weight (well, he cares about it health wise, but leaves me to my own devices). However, when my husband started gaining weight, I did say something about it. I mentioned that I liked his body better when he was slimmer. So he started working out and eating healthier. I think that’s just an easier thing for him to do.

It souns like your FH does care about your weight. You know it, and he knows it. But has he done somethign wrong by saying as much to you? I don’t think so. He is being honest. Isn’t that what we want from our SO’s?

I think, from your concersations about it, that he will love you any way. That’s super important. But he will also be somehwat less attracted to you. So where to go from here?I guess you have to decide if you are ok with that, or if you would like to do something about it.

I wish you the best of luck. I realize how much of a touchy subject this is. I am actually obece, and my husband is super healthy, so I can’t imagine how I would feel if my husband said he is less attracted to me because of my weight. But I would hope that I wouldn’t be mad at his honesty.

Post # 6
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@O.My.Heart:  I firmly believe that weight shouldn’t be commented on. You live in your body, so if you have gained any weight then you are the first to know. Having someone point it out does not help and I really find it unnecessary.

Sometimes the truth comes out during fights and he can say sorry all he wants, but if he keeps making these comments, it doesn’t sound like he is very sorry…Body image and sex are generally sensitive topics for women, so to answer your question, no, my Fiance would never make comments about my weight or sex appeal (except to say positive things).

Currently, we are both trying to lose some weight. To motivate each other, we say things like, “so what healthy dinner are we making tonight?” or “do you feel like going for a hike?” Telling my Fiance to lay off the chips or saying I’m less attracted to him would just piss him off and not be motivational at all. To motivate someone means to inspire them, not to insult them.

The man you’re going to marry is supposed to build you up, not bring you down. Looks fade as we get older, and oftentimes women keep some weight on after they give birth. As you age naturally, is he going to continue to become less attracted to you? I just don’t understand this logic. I’m marry the person, not the abs.

Post # 7
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

Here is the deal, couples need to establish an “all or nothing” rule. As in, either weight is an off limits subject pretty much indefinitely or it is a subject that can/should be broached should things start to slide. 


Darling Husband and I are on the side of weight can and will be talked about. I know couples who never mention weight to one another. That works for them, our system works for us. You both need to be on the same system, though.


He probably got tired of hearing the constant criticism you had/have towards your body and in his mind it is simple: exercise and stop with Starbucks.


Yes- it sucks to hear that 15 pounds makes him see you differently, and he definitely could have been more tactful, but the reality is that 15 pounds here and there (1) isn’t great for your health (2) DOES make you look different, especially naked [ not better or worse, but it alters appearances] (3) establishing a system of emotional eating is a TOUGH habit to break ( I have been there) and really needs to be addressed for the long term.


My suggestion is to decide if weight is something you both can talk about objectively and if it is, come up with a plan of action that you can stick with. If it is not something you can both address without hurt feelings, then you need to be aware that some things in your life may change with the weight fluctuations [ again, not good or bad necessarily]




Post # 8
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

I may be on the opposite side of the majority here…

I used to be 60 lbs heavier than I am now. When I first decided that I wanted to pursue my now Fiance, I knew I would have to lose weight in order to catch his eye in that way. His ex wife had gained 50+ lbs towards their divorce and no longer wanted to do all the active things that he liked doing and it drove them apart.

When Fiance and I started dating, he expressed that weight was one of the things that he cared about and that he was just as dedicated to staying healthy as he expected me to be. (He in no way expects me to be supermodel thin, I’m 160 lbs at the moment and trying to reach my goal of 149)

Anytime he has started to gain weight, he realizes it and makes an effort to slim down (nothing dramatic… he’s not a chiseled statue of a man, but he is strong and fit). He isn’t perfect about his commentary towards my weight, but he is making an effort to be more sensitive if I start to gain on how he approaches it.

When I gained 15 lbs back, he told me that he thought I was sexy and beautiful, but had noticed that I was starting to gain the weight back. I don’t want that for myself either. He suggested that we could start eating differently together and being more active and working out together to help me through it.

Seeing my old pictures of myself is also a very good motivator.

All I’m saying is that weight might be “one of those things” and you guys just need to be able to find ways to communicate about it constructively.

Post # 9
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@O.My.Heart: Telling me I am fat or any other form of commenting on my weight, No. Just no. That’s not ok with me. If I said, “I want to tone up. What exercises should I do?” or “I wanna lose a couple pounds. Can you help me not eat Reese cups for breakfast?” that’s a different story. If my FH told me I was getting fat/gaining weight/getting bigger, I’d hit him. 


I am a junk food junkie. Cookies, popcorn, Reese cups, you name it. FH always gives me “the look” when I pick them up, calls me a dork, and that’s the end of it. Because he is as bad as I am. The man will eat an ENTIRE tub of cookies in one sitting. 


FH works out. I do not. I guess I have a relatively high metabolism because I hover right around the same weigh, give or take 5 lbs during my period. FH will ask if I want to go to the gym with him, simply because he likes looking at me when I work out. I tell him, “No, I don’t want to go.” He calls me a dork and goes without me. End of story.

Post # 10
2685 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been on the opposite end of this.  I lost a lot of weight after college and am the very healthy-eating and active one in our relationship.  FI is healthy but has never really needed to work for it like I did.  He started gaining a bit of weight, and I made some stupid comments about it and that just made things worse.  I continued to support him, though, and kept doing my own lifestyle routine.  Eventually we moved to a new house and he made the decision that he wanted to get back into weight lifting.  I supported him 100% and offered to go to the gym with him 3x per week.  His health and weight have improved a ton and he seems happier than ever.  And it makes me so happy to see him excited about his lower weight and good health.

Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that weight loss and a healthy lifestyle can only be sustained if you want to sustain them.  It does not accomplish anything to just tell people they’re too heavy or need to work out more; there needs to be initiative on both sides.  If you’re not ok with changing right now, that’s fine.  Make it known to him that you’re ok with how you are, and that you want his support and respect.  Keep communicating with your Fiance because if and when you are ready, he can help you achieve your goals.

Post # 11
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@O.My.Heart:  while I can imagine how hard it was to hear your SO say these things and he could have been more sensitive, I will admit to being guilty of getting on my Fiance about his weight gain. He was also slimmer when we first got together, and in the last two years has gained over 20 pounds. I do notice a difference, and while I still love him and am not any less attracted to him in the bedroom, I do want him to lose it, especially for health reasons. He’s 30 and has a history of family health issues that will be more of a worry if he is carrying around this extra weight. He has promised to get in better shape for our wedding, and knows that when I do say things, it’s because I love him and I want both of us making healthy choices to be around together for a very long time. And I’m not going to lie, when we started going together, I was very attracted to the fact that he did work out and made himself a priority. It was sad to see him stop caring, even if it was because he was happy and comfortable with me. 


OP, whether you want to lose weight for you or for your Fiance, it is going to be work. You will have to be uncomfortable and say no to Starbucks and exercise even when you hate it. I would see if your Fiance would be willing to go to the gym with you. Fiance has lost more than 10 pounds this month and now that we both work out, it motivates us to get in better shape together for our wedding, especially knowing that we’re both working at it together. 

Post # 12
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My SO sorta kinda said the same thing to me, but all of his comments had nothing to do with him, but rather who I was at the moment. 

We we met I was in the best shape I had ever been in…running 5 miles a day, etc.  I was confident, I was spunky, and no ONE was going to get in my way.  I loved me (for once in my life), and I was happy.

Over the course of 2 years in our relationship I had changed from that gal, that motivated/happy/healthy gal to someone different.  At my core, I was still beautiful…the weight on anyone’s scale does not change that, but I was not as confident or happy as I once was. 

That self-image had changed our sex life.  We were still having sex, but I became less adventurous.  The lights were out more, positions were changed, etc.

When HE brooched this subject, it hurt like hell.  Not gonna lie.  I questioned him, if he loved me, if weight changes how he feels, and honestly told me…no….

Weight did not matter to him, but I had changed.  For days, I could not look past looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking I am not worth him, or myself, and I strongly disliked him.  Then, once I really thought it thru, I realized that he was right.  That because I felt less confident, everything about him and I kinda changed too.  I had less energy to do things, I was cooking heavier meals to compensate for that.  Our sex life had shifted, and thus his sexual attitude or ‘attraction’ to me.  I went from wanting to punch him in the face to thanking him, because his assessment was completely out of love for me, and my happiness.

I started running again, and extra weight has fallen off over time, and still is.  I am doing it for me, and I feel wonderful.  My energy is back, I am eating healthier, I am smiling all the time, and we – in general – are happier.  AND, because I am back in that zone, he in turn is getting healthier too.  Eating better, running with me, etc!  Win win!

My post is long, I am sorry, but I think this topic can be sensitive.  Weight is a touchy subject, but I think of your partner is mentioning it out of concern for YOU, and not because he has expectations for whom HE thinks he deserves to be with, then it is A-OK.  However, if it is because he wants to be with someone whom only ever weighs X amount, then he (anyone) is an *ss.  Beauty is not dependant on how we look, but who we are!!

I think your SO needs to really think about what you asked him…is this for your betterment, or his OWN?!!


Post # 13
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This is a difficult subject, because I told my fiance a long time ago that I wanted to know if I was gaining weight and didn’t notice (stress, etc).  I did, and he told me.  I’m incredibly happy he did, because I caught it early and put a stop to it.  And he reminds me to make healthier choices at the grocery store, for both of us.  Thing is, there is no one else, except maybe your mother, who can give you an honest opinion on your weight. 

Also, I’m totally a Starbucks addict.  I adore my peppermint mocha with whip.  But you can still get Starbucks and make smarter choices.  The skinny vanilla latte is only 120 calories in a grande 🙂  It’s not quite as tasty as the peppermint mocha, but it’s still delicious!

Post # 14
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My fi and I frequently talk about my weight, and it’s usually always initiated by me.. I know that seems weird, but he’s my biggest supporter, so I always talk to him about what I’m going through. When we met I was 140, not skinny, but curvy and nice. Then I got pregnant and gained a million pounds, after the baby I stayed around 165. Over a couple years it creeped up to 182. I then decided to do this crazy diet and lost a bunch of weight, down to 127 at my lowest. Stabilized at 132. Now I’m 145. My weight is always fluctuating it seems.

Fi knows I’m happier and more confident when my weight is lower, so he’s always encouraging me and trying to help me get where I was to be. I KNOW he loves me no matter what, but I’m sure in the back of his mind he also prefers when I’m slimmer too. He doesn’t understand weight issues, as he’s never had any issues, but he’s alwaays there to support me. But he’s never made any negative comments about how I look, even when I looked like a puffalump. 

There was once or twice where I was feeling particularly sensitive and his “support” was coming across to me as a bit pushy/nagging, so I just asked him to stop and told him that I didn’t need his support right at that moment, I needed to figure it out on my own for now. 

Post # 15
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’ve heard that part of being in a good relationship/marriage is realizing that any flaws that you notice in your partner, your partner (assuming he or she is a reasonable/logical human being) already knows about the shortcoming and will feel hurt to hear it coming from you.

Darling Husband has never said anything to me about my weight.  I am not overweight and am actually smaller than I was when we met (so is he) but he knows that’s a territory that he does not want to step in.  We try to encourage eachother (without putting the other person down) to be healthy by making healthy foods together, talking about our personal weight loss or muscle gaining goals, doing activities together that are not centered around food, and working out–we actually don’t work out together because I too think the gym is gross and stinky, but when he goes off to the gym, I hit the elliptical or do a workout DVD at home.

I think the comments he made about you gaining more weight than you actually did, and about him not being as sexually attracted to you anymore, were out of line.  If I were you, I would try to talk to him about this because he hurt your feelings and you totally have a right to be upset over what he said.  You should talk about more constructive ways to be healthy together without him putting you down.

Post # 16
2556 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sorry he made you feel awful!  🙁  I really have no advice because I don’t know how I would handle this.  I would be very hurt.  My Fiance and I joke a lot about needing to lose weight (I joke about me and he jokes about himself), but we’ve never poked fun on each other.  I would be upset if he did, I think.  

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