(Closed) Does your SO talk to you about your weight..? I feel a little hurt.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I seem to be in the minority, but if my SO sees me slacking or not being my best, I’d expect him to be brutally honest with me. Yes, that includes his attraction to be is waning because I’ve put on some pounds. For me, it wasn’t until my SO mentioned the change in my body that I got the motivation to hit the gym. I HATE working out, but if my guy is always improving himself, why shouldn’t I put in the same effort? On the other hand, if he expected me to look like Barbie while he’s obese, we’d have a problem. 

Post # 33
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

I think he may just be worried about you.  I know my SO has a little bit of a tummy.  It doesn’t really bother me, but it bothers him.  He always talks about it and going to the gym but then he never follows through.  We’ve gone on a diet together at his suggestion, mainly for him, but he still eats unhealthy things like sodas and chips.  I NEVER bring those items into the house, and I can’t think of the last time I ate chips.  Its slightly frustrating to me, because he complains all the time about his weight.  He’s still loosing weight on our diet, but not as quickly as he could be because he’s not making much of an effort.  Also, I feel irritated because I prepare all the food.  He didn’t need to make any adjustements to his lifestyle, and I have make the only proactive changes to help him loose weight.  He eats whatever I give him, and supplements it with bad stuff.  

 

I do bring up the gym to him because, while I’m fine with his weight now, he really can’t gain very much more.  I also point out if he is drinking too much soda.  Its a concern for his health, and I’m still very attracted to him and find him handsome.  He gets hit on a lot so he knows he is handsome too.  

 

His bringing it up, I feel, is an invitation for me to try to support and motivate him.  If he stopped bringing it up, I would stop bringing it up too.  My bringing it up really doesn’t mean that I find him unattractive at all.  

 

I think he could have been gentler in bringing it up to you.  I’m sure he doesn’t think you are overweight.  Don’t invite him to comment to you by complaining to him.  Weight is a very touchy subject, particularly for women.  Try not to take his comments to heart.     

 

Post # 34
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I think that if you complain about your weight and talk about wanting to lose weight or exercise then you opened the flood gates for comments. Is he supposed to just sit there and nod when you talk about it? Of course he’s going to say something or try to motivate you because that’s what you’re saying to him that you want. As a PP said, you need to have an all or nothing rule when it comes to talking about weight, and it has to be for both of you, not just him.

Post # 35
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I seem to have the oppostie issue. I’m naturally pretty athletic and while I wasn’t in shape when we met I was much lighter. Since packing the lbs (and the muscle) back on he actually thinks I look better. I think people should care more about “in shape” than “smaller.”

If he truley loves you, he is motivateing you because that’s what he THINKS you want.

Post # 36
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is tough, because I think there is such a fine line between motivating someone to lose weight…and them feeling attacked/put down. And it’s also very personal.

For example, if we are both trying to watch our weight, DH WANTS me to call him out and say “should you really be eating that?” That is what he needs to stay motivated. If he said that to me, he’d be sleeping on the couch.

I think you need to figure two things out:

1) Do you want to lose weight, and do you want to do it for yourself, and for no one else?

2) What motivates you?

Then you need to communuicate that to him. I genuinely don’t think he’s trying to be mean. I don’t think a lot of men will ever truely understand the pressure women feel to look a certain way. DH always tells me he can’t understand how I can be so hard on myself, because most of the flaws I see he just plain doesn’t see.

He’s trying to motivate you to do something you claim you want. What you need to do is communicate to him how he can do that in a more constructive way.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 37
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s a tough subject. I don’t feel like he meant to hurt your feelings though, he probably just wants you to be healthy. I told my DH, even back when we were dating, to throw me on a treadmill if I started gaining weight, lol. Mainly because, sometimes it can be hard for me to have that motivation on my own. I don’t want to just let myself get lazy if I can help it. Are there exercises you two can do together? It really helps me if I go to the gym with my DH. He has always told me that he loves me no matter what, but for me, I personally feel a million times better when I’m taking care of myself, and I can tell that it keeps our relationship more positive.

Post # 38
Member
8006 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Over 10 lbs he needs to fuck off.  I would kick my husband if he brought that up. 

Post # 39
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@O.My.Heart:  Oh honey…I’m sorry.  He’s being an ass and it’s good that he apologized, when and if it’s time for you to work on your fitness it will happen, until then, Helpy Helperton with his Demotivational Comments can shut the hell up and buy you a gift card to Starbucks…the last time Mr. 99 used the “fat” word in my direction, he was surfing the couch for two weeks cause he’s no slender reed and the fact is, when we met and got married we were both in top physical condition, we looked amazing and it rocked….then Mr. 99 got hurt, fast forward 5 years, add in three surgeries for him,  my mother’s life threatening illness, him being home all day and me doing my best Wonder Woman to get us all through it…yeah….I pigged out, so did he, it was AWESOME!

We’re having fun being chubby right now, until he’s cleared to work out like he used to, he said it would bother him for me to get in shape and not him….

It’s a balance you find together after time, life will always interfere.

Post # 40
Member
3422 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Telling a woman she needs to lose weight is equivalent to telling a man his penis is small, Imo. Nothing good can come from it.  A 10lb weight gain is no reason to call in the Calvary. 

Post # 41
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@Birdi:  “Telling a woman she needs to lose weight is equivalent to telling a man his penis is small, Imo. Nothing good can come from it. “

Best. analogy. ever.

Post # 42
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

That’s such a touchy subject. I do agree with the bee that mentioned that men are problem solvers and we women tend to be problem discussers. I think delivery is key when talking about weight issues. 

I worry about my husband and his need to be all muscled out and bulky. I’m also sensitive to the fact that when I was 16 and had (at the time undiagnosed) thyroid issues my mom would make hurtful comments about my weight gain and excessive eating. It didn’t come from a place of wanting to help. She was just fat shaming me. With my husband, I very gently told him I was concerned for health reasons and it had nothing to do with physical attraction. He has had multiple orthopedic surgeries and I was worried him n wanting to stay bulked up would cause more problems for him down the road. He asked me to go with him to the doctor and we all discussed it together. 

Perhaps it is time to sit down with your SO and share with him how these “helpful motivations” really make you feel. Maybe see a counselor together to help him understand hoeh what he is doing makes you feel.  A neutral third party could work with you both on how to resolve this issue. A counselor can also teach you how to fight “fair.”  My husband and I benefited from this immensely. 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. 

Post # 43
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It seems like he cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you. He felt bad after pointing it out. As someone who also cares about my FIs health (weight gain is sneaky… 10-20 pounds here and there every 10 years or so can add up and cause problems as you get older, if you don’t break the patterns) I feel like he and I are a team. For better or for worse. I work out a lot and eat healthy, and when I see him gaining weight and eating junk food, it makes me feel like despite all my efforts to keep myself healthy, I may still be tied to someone who has health problems as we age. That means I won’t be doing as many active things with my partner and I may have to go through troubling medical problems alongside him. Being the healthy half of an unhealthy team isn’t fun even when you’re not experiencing the problems directly. 

So, I don’t know if that applies to your FIs concerns, but maybe that gives you an insight into his dilemma. He wants to accept you as you are and he loves you and thinks you’re beautiful, but on the other hand he wants to encourage you to change unhealthy patterns before they become really hard to break out of. 

Honestly, if you do want to lose the weight (and here it’s hard, because it sounds like you don’t), but if you do, I’d lean on him for support. Try to see the silver lining: you have a partner who cares deeply about you and is highly motivated to see you reach your goals. If they’re not your goals, though, you need to have a serious talk with him about how you don’t intend to change and you like your weight as it is now. Let him know if there is a weight threshhold over which you would like his help and motivation, if you ever reach it. Be honest with yourself as well as him, because unrealistic expectations of either partner are what causes arguments and hurt feelings.

Post # 44
Member
1648 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

You say you have no will power and have bad eating habits.  He probably started off trying to be motivating but after seeing you start then stop various activities, has gotten frusterated at your lack of effort.  This is indeed a touchy subject.  I think he feels bad for bringing it up in an honest way, and then when you get upset, he apologizes.  I also gained a few lbs when I first started dating my now fiance.  I had no idea how many calories were in sports drinks and drank about 3 of them per day for a few months.  Before I knew it, my stomach had gotten soft, and I had no idea why.  Well… my boyfriend noticed and said something about my gut as he squished my stomach.  At first it did sting, but I channeled my rage at the gym and look even better than I did in my 20s.  I think it is good to be honest about your sig other about their appearance.  I have been with my fiance for 7 years.  Truth hurts sometimes, I can tell u that.  But at the end of the day, I think we are better and stronger for being honest with eachother.

Post # 45
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
@letigre:  +1  

I think that as long as the comments are made with love and encouragement, it’s wonderful to have a partner who wants to see you at your best. I don’t want mine to let me slack on ANY aspect of my life– physically, mentally, or emotionally. The problem is when the comments are made to be mean or to put her down and make her feel less-than. 

Post # 46
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ve had this experience… and NO AMOUNT OF TALKING WILL HELP.

Some things just need to remain unsaid, because what has been said cannot be unsaid. Do you really need to dive into that little head of his and force out thoughts, and answers you no doubt do NOT want to know?

I absoluletly despise the “honesty is the best policy” bullshit. It is not, I prefer to live in rainbows and unicorns world- thank you very much. (OK, realistically, I live in the middle). But there is something to be said for folks who know when the STFU. After he told me I was gaining weight and I bitched him out, he’ll never speak again of my weight- PERIOD.

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