Does your spouse like you?

posted 1 month ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
7016 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

My husband has clinical anxiety, and sometimes he goes through phases when his anxiety is peak where he truly acts like he doesn’t like me. I will approach him about this, and it’s typically just him having some high anxiety days, but he checks himself.

I think it’s important to own up to your bad days if you’re having one, but it’s not okay for him to attack your personality. He should instead be asking you if you’re okay, because you’re clearly acting differently. To comment on your personality isn’t a phase, that’s your entire being.

If this isn’t normal for him nor you, it sounds like you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart. If this is normal, it sounds like you need couples therapy to navigate liking each other.

I hope your pregnancy is going well ❤️

Post # 33
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

As pp said, there’s a world of difference between expressing to your spouse that they’re being difficult vs saying “you have a crappy personality.” The latter is insulting and meant to be hurtful, and pointing that out is not being on a “high horse” 🙄 

 

ive been pissed as hell at my husband many a time, but even in the heat of the moment, I’ve never been tempted to insult the core of who he is, which is what your husband did in telling you that you have a crappy personality. 

 

obv we’re only getting one side of the story and this is only one incident we’re hearing about in this relationship, with no other context. So,OP, I’m not gonna say your spouse is abusive or your relationship is toxic, cause we don’t have enough info to draw those conclusions. 

 

With that said, I’d just do some reflection on your relationship and also on yourself. Does your husband say insulting things to you regularly? Because that’s not okay, and being an Aries is not an excuse. Do you truly feel he doesn’t like you? Also not okay (I’m not talking about one offs where you feel like murdering your spouse cause they used the last of the TP and didn’t bother replacing it.) As for you: Are you unkind to him and blaming it on hormones? Not okay.

No one here knows what’s really going on in your relationship. what disturbed me most about your post wasn’t even what your husband said, but how you were so quick to excuse it due to his zodiac sign. That seems to suggest a pattern of brushing off really shitty behavior because “he can’t help being a jackass to me, he’s an Aries!” …which would be really troubling if that’s actually your mentality. 

 (eta: no idea why the hell there are three different fonts here 😒)

Post # 33
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

emilyofnewmoon :  “I’m not talking about one offs where you feel like murdering your spouse cause they used the last of the TP and didn’t bother replacing it.”

An aside, but this made me literally laugh because there have been occasions in which this has been so accurate for me. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Post # 34
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

tm6173 :  Congrats on your pregnancy! 

I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and we definitely have days where I don’t like him or he doesn’t like me.  I have days where I don’t like a friend very much, or a family member. 

Add pregnancy into the mix (I’m 29 weeks myself!) and those days definitely seem magnified.  Pregnancy is lonely, daunting, stressful, hard etc. 

Women are more into semantics of speech then men. I’m assuming he wouldn’t even be able to tell the nuanced difference between “you are acting really crappy right now” and “I don’t want to be near your crappy personality” even though they sound very different to the female ear. 

Assuming this isn’t typical behaviour and was just an off day, I think you both maybe need to go to dinner or something you like to do, and focus on reconnecting.  

Post # 35
Member
6649 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My husband has been direct with me at times, and said he doesn’t like me very much or how I’ve been behaving. I’ve done the same with him. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE can have a relationship of any real duration and authenticity and not have times when they aren’t really feeling their partner. And it would be irritating as shit to have a partner who was being an ass AND also too fragile to be told about it to boot.

It’s not abusive, imo, to tell your partner when they are getting on your very last damn nerve and/or you don’t like them very much in that moment. I also don’t think women are too precious to be told our nasty, obnoxious, grumpy or irritating behaviors are upsetting the people who are having to deal with them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It can be exhausting and draining to grow a whole new person. It’s hard to comprehend until you are doing it. At the same time, if you are being rude or mean, it would be a good idea to look at that now and have a direct conversation with your husband about it.

Do you need to go see your doctor? Are you overdoing things? If you know you get hangry, can you keep snacks on hand at all times? Can you ease up, get more rest or something else? If you’re externalizing your challenging feelings in unhealthy ways now, I wonder how you will handle things when your baby gets here and you are both experiencing new levels of extreme tiredness and exhaustion. It’s good you two have a chance to talk this through and address it now, before you’re in your first year of parenthood together because that is a time when you really need to pull together.

Post # 36
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

“I love you Binky, but I don’t have to like you right now” – Andi, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

That’s immediately what I thought of when I came to this thread. Please tell me I’m not the only bee who has seen that movie.

Per the movie quote – I’m guessing that’s what you meant by your post OP, poor word choice on your husband though for straight up saying you have a “crappy personality”. There is a big difference between “crappy mood” and “crappy personality” as many PPs have pointed out. My husband has never straight up told me I have a “crappy personality” and I wouldn’t be thrilled if he did because that comes off as an attack to my overall character and I know my husband knows better than that. But good lord… the times he’s called me out for having a shitty mood, borderline astronomical I’m sure, lol.

I understood what you meant by your thread. There are days and moments my husband and I have been straightforward and said we didn’t like each other right then but we still love each other. This is usually post stupid argument when we’ve annoyed the piss out of each other.

Post # 37
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

There have been days where we didn’t like eachother much but love eachother. Your husband needs to stop being so cruel to you though. You’re pregnant and he should be doing everything he can for you- especially when you’re having a rough day.

Post # 38
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I hateee (with capital) my Darling Husband on my second pregnancy. Goes down after giving birth so I blame the hormones lol..

I am the insensitive one with big mouth, so sometimes when I didn’t like him I said things like “you know you’re being stupid right now, I hate it.” But he call me on it and I apologize, I know there is no need to said it like that, so you can definetely call your husband when he’s being a jerk =))

Post # 39
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds as if your husband means that you’ve been acting crappy lately not that he thinks your whole personality is crappy.  He probably just used the wrong word in the heat of the moment.   Unlike the bees on here who  never, ever,  ever, say a harsh word in their marriage or have never said something they regret, i think getting fed up with your spouse from time to time is normal.  My husband is my best friend and he is my absolute favorite person to hang out with but he has moments where he is wretched.  (Usually when he’s hungry or sick)  I know that I have my not so great moments too.  We have the type of marriage where we can both say, “hey, you’re sort of being a jerkwad right now” and it’s ok.  We don’t need to rush off to marriage counseling.  We’re not emotionally scarred.  We still love and like each other.  I do think there are absolutely legitimate cases of emotional abuse out there but when the bee calls out every harsh word or argument as emotional abuse then it takes away the seriousness of real emotional abuse.  To sum up op, i think your husband likes you but said something out of frustration.   It happens.  Talk to him and tell him he was being an ass.  You’ll feel better.

Post # 40
Member
9329 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my mom would sometimes say to us at kids (when we were acting out and deserved it), I love you but i don’t like your behavior right now.

she would never say she didn’t like us.

Post # 41
Member
2982 posts
Sugar bee

I think the correct response to his comment might have been:

“I’m pregnant and emotional. Do you have a death wish or what?”

Clearly this is the point to burn his toast, hide his car keys and cut holes in his socks.

If he can be rude because he’s an Aries then you can be PSYCHOTIC BECAUSE YOU’RE PREGNANT!

Post # 42
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Lol I thought personality is like the biggest thing someone is committed for? I’ve never heard of someone complaining about their current SO’s personality. Especially if they’re pregnant. That’s so terrible!! I’d look up narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse on google because you might have an abuser here who tries to make you feel bad to elevate himself.

Post # 43
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Supersleuth :  hahahaha cut holes in his socks. Hahaha died laughing at this. 

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