Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2020 - City, State
Sooooo I have some first-world problems. FH and I got engaged in July and are planning a wedding for summer 2020. I’ve never been too into weddings since my parents had eloped (are since divorced) and if you see my previous post you’ll note that my family can be somewhat dysfunctional. FH is very understanding, so when we would talk weddings I started to envision a small/chill/fun wedding with drinks and dancing at a bar or brewery in the city. I really didn’t want a lot of attention on us but still wanted a fun time since I love dancing slash closing the bar down at weddings. I’m one to follow the crew to the after-pary haha. At the time, that felt like ‘us’.
However, right around the time we got engaged, another close couple in our friend group also got engaged so we would talk ‘weddings’ with them. They’re great friends, but couldn’t be more oppositive than us as people so obviously their wedding ideas were very different than ours. We ended up booking a lake-side golf-club venue that’s a sentimental location for FH’s family, but is about 90 minutes outside of the city and would require us to do more hosting for the weekend to make it worth the trip for people. Our friends also knew the venue we chose and our date, but booked an almost identical lake-side venue within minutes of ours and a couple weeks following ours. They have big families and are planning events and it seems to fit them…but it makes me feel self-conscious about doing something very similar. I’m wondering if the planning got away from me and I should’ve stuck with something smaller and closer to home.
Basically, do weddings really need to capture us as a couple? Would it be ridiculous to switch venues to space the weddings out more and choose something more low-key? FH is happy either way, and is the best at not comparing to people, but I just want to know if I’m over-thinking it! Do people even notice these things?
Post # 2
I don’t think they *need* to, but I generally find it more enjoyable when it fits the couple, unless I don’t know them very well. If I went to a super generic ballroom wedding for one of the quirkiest people I know, I’d be confused probably lol. Same as if the cattle rancher couple had a vegetarian wedding. It just wouldn’t “fit” if that makes sense.
That said, there are many ways to make a wedding feel like you, even if its at a golf course similar to someone else. But I definitely don’t think its ridiculous to switch venues if you want something more low-key. I think your original idea sounded super fun!
Post # 3
My fiancé and I are most comfortable in a library. But we’re having a traditional middle sized wedding at a pretty venue. We are encorporating books into our decor though!
I think the wedding should reflect y’all within reason, but since the reception is about celebrating and thanking your guests, I think it’s more important that the reception venue be fun and comfortable for them than your exact tastes.
Post # 4
It’s kind of funny beacuse this is such a recent problem in a way. Sixty years ago the only thing that the couple had control over was the motif on the invitations, the color scheme, the flowers, the menu, the date and one of maybe three locations, and even then the bride’s parents might have had more input over those things than the couple in question lol. Everything else was generally outlined by tradition. Nowadays we have so many options, it’s almost overwhelming, but definitely makes for a more enjoyable wedding if the couple is clearly behind their choice and happy with the details. That is, if they really care about that kind of thing. However, if you’re worried about whether people will judge you for not putting more “individuality” into your wedding, I’d say you’re overthinking it. What matters is if you are happy with your wedding, and if you don’t really care either way, no one else’s opinion really matters. Just going with the flow and forgetting about using the wedding as a representation of your identity might result in fewer migraines 🙂
Post # 5
As a guest, I don’t expect or need weddings to be “you.” As a guest, it’s about seeing them exchange vows and then having fun at the reception, whatever kind of reception or location it is. The best times I’ve had have been more about the people than the location/style.
From the perspective of the couple, I do think the wedding should feel like “you,” meaning a ceremony and reception that feels right and comfortable to you.
Post # 6
Personally, I think life is too short to spend your wedding weekend feeling like a fish out of water. If your discomfort will be to the extent that you’ll run around accommodating others on your wedding day, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, I would book your brewery wedding instead. I’ve been to two of them, and they were relaxed, yet beautiful, affairs.
If it doesn’t feel like “you”, it seems silly to spend the money on it. Your guests will be happy to see you exchange vows, no matter the location. As long as the reception is a good party either way, I’d lean toward making sure you feel thrilled with your venue.
Post # 7
I don’t think a venue, even a generic one, is what makes your wedding you, for the most part anyway. We had a generic venue (hotel chain) they used the same DJ, same table cloths, same centrepieces that had been hundreds and hundreds of times before. Our venue was our favourite one but I don’t know if it felt like “us”. We’d have probably been happier somewhere a bit more rural (assuming we were having a non-destination wedding) or maybe a bit more outdoorsy (would have had to get married in a different season though). But our venue fit our logistical needs – it was hotel and we had a lot of guests travelling, it was close to my family, not a venue I’d been to before, had disabled access to the reception room, bedrooms and bathroom, had a quiet place away from the dance floor and had some outside space. If the golf club fits your logistical needs, then do be it.
Your wedding feels like you in the details but to be honest it’s in the details you aren’t really thinking about. It’s the automatic decision to have something a cake in a particular flavour, a sweetie bar, pizza truck, certain favours… I didn’t feel like our wedding felt like us because it was just a generic cookie cutter wedding but so many people said they expected nothing different from us. One of these was my Mother-In-Law and I asked her to explain. She said it was in the music choice, in how we’d arranged the tables, what we chose for our guest book, that we couldn’t decide on a cake flavour and got my mum to make loads, the colours we’d picked and flowers we’d picked. You’ll make your wedding feel like yours, even in a venue that is very you.
Post # 8
I’m planning my wedding now and I am not sure how much it is “me” or “us”… It will be a style we both like, we both like steak and that will be served, our first date was at an ice cream shop and we will have ice cream at the wedding… but other than that, it’s just going to be a wedding and reception to thank our guests and I hope it is enjoyable for people. I don’t know that anyone is going to walk into our wedding and point out all these things “oh that is so bespectacled1!”
Post # 9
I think that it’s extra-special when a wedding feels like the people hosting it. One of my absolute favorite weddings was my favorite because it was absolutely perfect for the couple…outside venue with tents by a forest/river, catered Italian food, wine/beer, and lawn games and dancing.
On a personal note, I do agree that it’s very nice as the bride/groom when you feel at home in your venue(s). Having a lot of attention on you and the pressures of hosting is HARD. We had ours at a mountain winery, with dinner in a funky private loft of our favorite restaurant. We were so comfortable, it felt so truly us, and as a result, we had a lot of fun (as did our guests). I don’t think I would have enjoyed it nearly as much if we’d picked a golf course or traditional venue space.
For some people (including those in this thread!), I don’t think it matters to them. My sister was one of those people, and had a very traditional/generic ballroom wedding and LOVED it. The fact you’re thinking about it though, lets me think it may matter to you.
Post # 10
I am not really even sure what that means. When we, meaning both families and us, planned our wedding we chose a venue that was appropriate for the time of year, number of guests, the budget and our location. We wanted something convenient, that was known for good food and good service.
I don’t know what your issue is with the other couple. Their wedding has nothing to do with yours. My only concern would be the semi-destination nature of this plan. Making every person on the list travel at least 90 minutes and possibly having to stay overnight for a picturesque venue, at the expense of the attendance of those close to you, does not sit very well with me, personally.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
For me, yes. You don’t sound very excited about your own wedding so I think you need to change something. Don’t just go along with it if it isn’t what you picture for yourself.
We chose to elope abroad and then have a small reception at a brewery when we returned. The traditional wedding never interested either of us so we did exactly what we wanted and it was perfect!
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2020 - City, State
Thanks for the replies! We did choose it because it because FH’s family has had a vacation home in that exact community for as long as he can remember and they would go boating on the lake and they play a lot of golf. It’s a memorable place for a lot of people going, including FH’s friends who’ve also visited off-and-on throughout the years. It’s beautiful, and also a fun town so that people who do make the trip can enjoy the lake in the summer if they choose to. It’s definitely not in the middle of no-where–it’s a prominent vacation town where we’re from.
I do think the convenience factor is bothering me, and I hate to see people spend money for hotels. However, that’s really common in our friend group and I would say that ours will be a lot closer than most weddings we’ve been to with friends/fam. Also, the city we live in is very expensive (Chicago) so people would be spending money to stay whether it were local or out of town (most people live in the burbs and probably wouldn’t drive home).
I think we have to think more about whether the spot is really worth it. I really appreciated the responses about adding personal touches. We already have a few in mind! I think I need more time to weigh the pros and cons, and it’s tough when it feels like planning needs to move forward!
And I’m not trying to compare too much to our friends. I think more-so, it just feels like a lot of work to go to two weddings in the same town on the same lake back-to-back…like I don’t like the lake THAT much lol
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
A wedding only needs to be what you and your Fiance want it to be. If you’re happy with your plans, keep them. If not, change them. If you like what you’re planning, it will inherently feel like you, because you picked it.
Post # 14
You may find that the details make the wedding feel more like you. I found choosing the music, food, cake, traditions and favors made it feel very personal.
How woud you feel about the venue you chose if your friends didn’t chose something similar? I wouldn’t let your friends’ choice sway your decision. It also sounds like the venue resonates deeply with your fiance’s family – which means that it is actually you two in a way.
Post # 15
I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit and say no…it doesn’t NEED to feel like “you”. People get married in less than ideal places, generic places, places that have no meaning to them whatsoever, places that don’t reflect their personality because circumstances (location, available dates, limited choices in rural areas, finances) play a role. It doesn’t make them any less married or committed to each other than anyone else. Weddings pretty much all have the same elements: ceremony, dress, decor, food, and music. There’s not a lot of surprise there. And that’s ok. There doesn’t need to be. What it needs to be is a sincere expression of your commitment to each other in your ceremony, and then a reception to thank your guests for taking the time to join you and witness your ceremony with you being good hosts to your guests. That’s it. That’s all it needs to be. Your wedding and reception do not have to be some all encompassing reflection of who you are (individually or as a couple). I think we (as a society) have become a bit obsessed with the concept of showing how “unique” we are that it’s just gone a bit far. This shouldn’t be something that stresses you out or forces you to have to rethink choices just so you can be more unique or have it be a one-stop shop exploration of your personality. All you have to do is treat your guests well. Make sure they are comfortable with a place to sit and plenty of food and drink. Everything else is just optional fluff and it is a-okay for that to be similar to other people’s.