Post # 1
My fiancée is very family oriented. He sees his parents at least once a week, often 2-3x a week in the summer. I go with him usually at least once a week and we also see his cousins and their kids a couple times per month. He loves being around them and is so great with them. I am a little slow to warm up to people and I don’t love being around other people all the time but family is important so I always make an effort to go with him. Ive definitely gotten more comfortable with his family and I really like them, they even feel like my family.
My concern is that with my family he doesn’t make the effort. I see my parents once or twice a month. He seems to like them but if we have a party with extended family he sits/stands around and doesn’t really talk unless someone talks to him. We had a big family reunion weekend this weekend at the lake where my cousins and their kids and everyone comes from all over once a year. He came to one day but not the second day (because he wanted to see his family… who he sees every weekend). All my cousins and everyone that were there for the 2 days kept asking where he was. All of their significant others were there. I told him I wanted him there but not if he was going to be miserable which he always seems to be around my family. I just feel like even at something as big as this he would still just rather hang out with his parents and will prioritize them over me. Advice?
Post # 2
Well, you can’t really say stuff like “I want you there but not if XYZ”, because you ultimately just gave him an out. You need to flat out tell him that he needs to start interacting with your family, just like you’ve done. Ask him how he would feel if he brought you around and you sat there like a miserable lump at family events? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing for him?
Post # 3
Have you had a real sit down talk about this issue? Does he know how important it is to you that he puts more effort in with your family? If the only thing you’ve said to him about it is “I don’t want you there if you’re just going to be miserable” that isn’t enough. He should not need to be told to put effort into your family – he’s going to be part of it soon for goodness sake – but he may need a bit of a push.
Post # 4
He doesn’t have to do what you do. Most people feel more comfortable around their family verse other people’s family. There is no reason for him to go to two days of a family reunion and no one else’s business where he was.
Post # 5
I would just talk to him about it.
For me, if the guy i was dating wasn’t putting in an obvious effort to get to know my family and especially my parents, I would assume he wasn’t that serious about me.
In my past, guys I have dated that had zero long term plans for our relationship didn’t make any effort with my family. BY contrast my current boyfriend is very forward in how much he wants to get to know my family and especially my parents. He also makes an effort to include me with his family a ton. He clearly has a future planned for us and its obvious.
So you should just ask him some gentle questions about your family. Does he feel uncomfortable? Is there a reason he didn’t want to be there for 2 days? He might see a future for you guys but maybe needs a reminder that your family is important to you and he needs to be more involved.
Post # 6
honestly, if it’s important to you, and you tell him, he could make more of an effort to be there which he isn’t doing. But that goes for you too. You absolutely do not need to go to every one of his families shin digs that they have. You can absolutely say no or make other arrangements up to and including binge watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix.