Post # 107
no way am i reading this whole thread, just the first few posts and i saw you wrote this:
Because I’m removing a tradition that they always look foward to and celebrate during all of the weddings in their hometown/family.
i think your answer is right there – you should do it. the people who judge you for it are cannot really be that good friends because they should know you and therefore know you only have good intentions. so who cares what people who are NOT good friends think? and based on your statement here, it seems like at least half of your wedding guests will appreciate it. AND you have the option to tell some of your other friends and family in advance so they will expect it and understand it before the wedding if you are really worried.
Post # 108
It’s a cultural thing and therefore cannot be blanketed by a statement saying whether it’s good or bad. If you think your guests will be offended, avoid it. If, however, it will be expected in your circle, go for it.
Post # 109
For what it’s worth, I grew up in an expatriate community where my parents regularly entertained and were entertained by members of different consular services. Dad’s company paid for my siblings and I to get a Canadian-equivalent education despite our posting, which meant some hoity-toity boarding schools with some very hoity-toity classmates. And I did a couple fascinating options at University in Social Anthropology that awoke a lifelong interest in the history of etiquette on which I have read extensively. So I am a “native speaker” of the language of etiquette, as well as a researcher on the topic. And for the record:
1) Most countries, the USA included, DO have a default standard of etiquette. It’s what is used in your state department and consular service(I.e. at White House and American-hosted international functions) and in the US it is largely summarized in Protocol: the Complete Handbook of Diplomatic, official and Social Usage (available at an amazingly reasonable price from http://www.usaprotocol.com/). In Canada it’s a little harder to reference but you can start with “The Canadian Style”, and in the UK the standard is set by Buckingham Palace.
2) Most of Lisa’s claims of what correct etiquette is, correspond closely to correct formal standard American usage. She’s usually right.
3) Brides have the right to choose not to follow formal protocol. It isn’t an insult to say “that isn’t proper protocol” or “that’s a deviation from formal etiquette”, and the fact that you chose an ethnic custom doesn’t make that custom “proper protocol”. It’s a choice.
4) Etiquette changes: it doesn’t change as fast as some people think it does, and older standards remain correct even though new standards may become acceptable; but it also is a lot less rigid than some people think.
5) “Tacky” is a generic — and largely meaningless pejorative, usually followed by the blanket excuse of “well around here we do it that way”. We could have better discussion by naming more precisely what the specific problems are with these contentious customs — problems like self-serving materialism, pretentiousness, insult, unkindness and so on — and explore instead how a bride can preserve the custom while avoiding the offense. It takes a little more thought than just tossing around adjectives like “crass” and “tacky”.
Post # 110
I’m so bummed that I didn’t get to hop on this thread sooner!
My aunt and uncle had a dollar dance at their wedding 15 years ago and everyone really seemed to enjoy it (and no we’re not polish). With that said, it isn’t something that I would ever do at my wedding but I know that its the norm in quite a few cultures so I’m not going to judge those that do.
Post # 111
I think you should talk to your Fiance about how you feel and like PPs said maybe meet on a middle ground. I sure don’t see anything wrong with it though. If you are really uncomfortable with the idea though it may show at the reception. I have never been to a wedding with a dollar dance but I am such a dork that if I went to one I would go back out and make sure that I had a dollar to give to the bride beacuse I would want to participate – but that is just me! I just love weddings and always have fun at them!
Post # 112
ok so i read more of the thread, i couldn’t help it, its like a soap opera to me!
i actually wanted to defend Lisa. I once started a thread that blew up and i have seen several others and i realize that Lisa and myself are very different. Almost everything she cares a lot about or thinks is important, i do not. i think dollar dances are fine, i think cash bars are fine, and i think registry cards are fine.
BUT i think Lisa is equally allowed to say that she thinks they are not fine. and i totally have to say that i have seen her been “cyber bullied” on here and i don;t think its fair. my impression is that her posts now get flagged as soon as she posts ONCE in an etiquette thread because people EXPECT her to be rude and condecending. and i don’t think that’s fair. i read her posts here and i saw nothing wrong with them. i have seen much worse by other people in other threads, but because it was their only time, i don’t know if they get flagged or not. but just because someone posts her opinion on etiquette, does not mean she is attacking everyone else. i still regret my decision about registry cards in my invites and had i had someone like Lisa tell me over and over beforehand that i should not put them in my invites, i might just have listened to her! or not, who knows.
i say let’s just have a conversation without flagging unless the post is ACTUALLY snarky or personally attacking another bee – which i don’t think Lisa did at all in this thread.
Post # 113
Also, what i mean by cyber-bullying is when 2 or 3 posters go back and forth making comments and faces and laughing about what they are saying – usually at the expense of another poster (which i have seen done to Lisa in more than one thread). i think that is the most childish and inappropriate thing i have seen. more so than calling something “tacky”
Post # 114
@lisa105: “…when a Bride asks a question about etiquette I try to give her an accurate answer. Its a topic I (obviously) have an interest in.”
Out of curiosity, and I’m sorry if I’ve missed this before in another thread, but why do you have such an interest in questions about etiquette?
I had a dollar dance at my wedding. In my culture it isn’t considered tacky, it’s actually considered the norm and not bad etiquette. Dollar dances are certainly a regional and cultural thing, so whether you want to do one or not is completely up to you and I wouldn’t worry about what others think about you. It’s your day and if it makes you happy I say do it! 🙂
Post # 115
I’ll probably have a dollar dance.
In my area of the country (Northwestern & Central Kansas), it’s very common, even expected. I can’t think of any weddings I’ve been to that didn’t have one.
I’ve seen it done both ways: the money pinned on the bride and the money held by the groom or maid of honor. I’ve also frequently seen it done for both the bride & groom at the same time; so people can dance with the groom too.
As far as ettiquette, in my opinion, there’s no concrete right or wrong answer to this; it depends on what’s usually done in your region of the country.
Post # 117
I think it is probably b/c LindsayGooding is pretty new, and this seems to come up with Lisa a lot. I’m not saying whether it should come up, but in the eyes of the mods, she is a repeat offender and LindsayGooding isn’t.
Post # 118
Yeah, but I don’t believe Lisa has ever told another bee to “suck it.” I mean, come on. Mods should be moderating based on what’s being said, not who’s saying it. Like who you want, hate who you want, but when it comes to moderating, there should at least be an attempt at impartiality.
Post # 119
@lezlers- yeah, I agree with that.
Post # 120
I tend to agree with what Lisa says alot too! Maybe not “how” she says it, but I do agree with her. I feel like she gets ‘called out’ far too much on here and worst of all it is by ‘the moderator’ who are suppose to be professional. Now that is some ‘bad etiquette’!!!! Treat everyone fairly…..
Post # 121
I completely agree with everything you’re saying. Lisa get’s publicly flamed on here by gangs of people at a time…and for no reason other than stating her opionion! Ridunkulous.
Post # 122
yup that’s what i was trying to say too, i think it is the moderators AND other posters that do it to her.