(Closed) Dominating mother in laws – practical tips for getting along

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Most important thing is making sure your DH is on side. If he is then he initially has to have the conversation with her about boundaries etc. If she carries on then you can say something but try to be polite about it.

My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t dealing with not being the main woman in FIs life and it’s come to the point where I’ve had to say something to her. She bitched about me to Fiance and then he said something to her because he wasn’t having her talking about me like that. 

Can’t stress the importance of your DH being on the same page as you enough though.

Post # 4
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee

Absolutely agree with PP: the most important thing is to have your husband onboard, always. If your Mother-In-Law persists in her annoying ways, I would suggest giving her the same answer, consistently: “Sorry, my dear lady, but in this house, we do marriage as a couple, not a committee”.  And then give her your best dowager duchess look:

 

Post # 6
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee

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Beegritte:  Glad to be of help!  A RBF is a glorious thing to have.  Have you seen Natalie Dormer’s?

Post # 8
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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Beegritte:  So both my parents and FI’s offered to help financially with the wedding. We thanked them politely but told them that we were paying for the wedding ourselves because a) we’re in a good financial position and don’t actually need it and b) both our familes can be very overbearing and we were concerned it would turn into their wedding. My parents, while they have their moment were like ‘Cool, saves us a fortune!’. The ILs…not so much. We told both sets of parents our plans for the wedding which are a bit different but totally us and ILs went absolutely MENTAL. Yelled at us that we were only doing it this way because we clearly couldnt’ afford it and we weren’t taking marriage seriously (coming from people who have been married twice…to each other…twice)

Future Mother-In-Law ‘suggests’ all these ideas for the wedding which we politely have told her are just not what’s going to happen then bitched about the fact that we hadn’t invited friends of hers that Fiance has never met. After serveral passive aggressive comments to us I ended up saying:

“Look I get that our wedding isn’t your cup of tea and that’s absolutely fine. We apparently weren’t very clear earlier but our wedding is not something that is up for negotiation. We are asking that you respect our wishes and act respectfully for one day of the year and if you feel that you are not capable of doing that then it’s maybe time to think about whether or not you should come to the wedding”

Granted I never wanted it to come to that but we were being told all sorts – they threatened to phone our vendors and change our plans, send our their own invites to people and everything. After this Mother-In-Law doesn’t speak to me about the wedding and then went and told Fiance that I was threatening her and he was to ‘get me told’. So he said “Tell rwilkinson that yourself and see how far it gets you”

She has since asked Fiance to lie to me and make wedding plans and cancel everything we’ve planned and not tell me since this is obviously all my doing and nothing to do with him because he would never dare treat his family this way. So we told her that as she is FI’s mother she will be invited to the wedding, but that security will remove any guests who were not invited by us and will remove ANYONE who decides to act up.

Radio silence since. Can’t wait till we have kids!

Sorry that was a really long post :s

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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claroquesi:  I also think this is absolutely briliant!

Post # 10
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee

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rwilkinson:   An idea for your Mother-In-Law: send her on a nice vacation; I recommend flight 82 ALCI:

Post # 11
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

  Whenever they try to push you toward a topic or decision, just say “that’s a nice idea, we will think about.” “That’s a good idea, we will discuss it later” “Oh, I never thought of that idea, I will bring it up with husband later” That’s sounding supportive without committing to anything. It’s also gives you the control to come back later, and once time passes, you come back with so as a united front, and you can already have gone through with the other plan that was yours. 

I find that the more information they get out of you and your so, the more ammunition they have against you both. So if you skirt away from making decisions, or telling them your decisions, they don’t have much to fly off the handle over. 

Also the wife question and her answering instead. I would annoy the fuck out of her and thank her personally every time for helping answer that comment, when it was addressed to his wife. Also, if you get your so to ask the question a second time, directly waiting for your response, whether or not she answers, he has to keep asking until you finally reply. 

 

Post # 12
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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Beegritte:  I think it’s great that you are standing up to your Mother-In-Law, but if your DH doesn’t get on board and tell her she needs to back off himself, she will always resent you and it will put a strain on your relationship with your DH, your in-laws and the relationship your future children will have with them. My mom has been miserable for almost 40 years because my dad won’t tell his parents to treat my mom with respect. You don’t want your kids to have a strained relationship with their grandmother because she can’t be civil to you. Or for her to completely take over raising them. Cause if you think it’s bad now, wait til kids come in the picture. I’m 31 and my grandmother still tells my mom everything she did wrong raising me. She used to do the exact same thing to my aunt, but my uncle put his foot down early. She had a fit, but then when she wasn’t seeing her 3 grandkids, she started acting a lot differently toward my aunt and they now have a great relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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claroquesi:  where ever it is…it’s not far enough lol

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