(Closed) Don't want to be the etiquette police, but does she need to know?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Don’t bother.  What is it going to do?  At 21, it more than likely will go in one and ear and out the other if that’s the way she behaves.

Post # 4
13248 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, she won’t listen.  Just shrug it off and remember this for next time you plan an event.  Telling her now won’t change anything.

Post # 5
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

How very….irritating…..ugh!!! Yell I have a question for you…. Is she normally this flaky about everything else? I had a couple people that pulled this and when they did it did not surprise me.

I would say something…..

Post # 6
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Don’t bother. If she tries to pull the whole “Wait, I am going to be there– Oh wait, no, I won’t!” Then I would tell her sorry, no more mind changing. What’s done is done.

Otherwise, just let it go.

Post # 7
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’d leave it up to karma on this one. She’ll learn when she plans a wedding and someone inevitably does it to her.

Post # 8
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t bother saying anything.  I think it will only come off condescending and I doubt she’d change her behavior.  I’d just let her figure it out on her own.

Post # 9
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@abbie017:   I doubt that she won’t listen.

I think that a lot of people at her age don’t get it and don’t understand quite yet the disservice they’re doing when they wish wash like this.

I would totally say something and word it like, “Hey, I know lots of things were going on for you but just in the future know that the reason why we do RSVP’s is because we have to let caterer’s know and we have to PREPAY for things dependent on how many people are attending.  Much of that is not refundable…so on and so on.”

Post # 10
3942 posts
Honey bee

I dont see anything good coming from this, so I wouldnt bother saying anything.

Post # 11
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

Honestly, I don’t think its going to do anything.  BUT:  If you really want to cause issues with her, the only thing I can see you doing that might make a point is to tell her that this upset you/cost you money, and then distance yourself permanently.  I don’t think telling her in a “nice” way will do anything. 

But I would just drop it.

Post # 12
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would probably not say anything- she is pretty young, and she is family. 

Post # 13
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I think you should tell her, in a super nice way. The only reason I say this is because I’m young (a fresh 22), and had no idea how much went into planning a wedding until weddingbee! I wasn’t really raised to follow the proper etiquette, though I like to think I didn’t make too many mistakes…but I also never had the opportunity (thankfully!) to cause problems like she has with you. If I had done what she did, I would want to know, so I didn’t do it again…you know what I mean? 

It sounds like you’re close, so I think there’s probably some room for you guys to talk about it and for her not to be super offended. She’ll feel bad, of course, but I think she’ll be appreciative…if not now, eventually.

The other option you have is to direct another family member (your mom? aunt?) to bring it up gently, as just an fyi. Then she wouldn’t even have to know you were behind it, and she might be more receptive that way. 

Post # 14
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Nah.  Just don’t invite her to any more of your weddings.  KIDDING!  😀

For reals though, maybe the next time a family wedding rolls around, mention it to her in passing, but don’t make a big deal out of it.

Post # 15
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@smiles4jo:  She does need to know – but not from you.  She’ll learn as she goes – we’ve all made goofs, but it’s too personal to you and hurtful (even though you are choosing to overlook it/forgive) for it to come from you at this point in time.  There may be an opportunity in the future (like another wedding she tells you she’s attending, etc.) that you can bring it up in general terms – but, for now, let it go without saying anything.

Post # 16
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you been sharing wedding planning stories with her throughout the process? If you are close, as it sounds you are, maybe one way to bring it up without it sounding like a lecture or that you are upset (which it doesn’t sound like you are), is to share some of these things as a conversation not about her specific behavior. For example, strike up a conversation along the lines of “I need to give the caterer the final headcount tomorrow! Golly gee, I really hope everyone has RVSPed by then, it would be such a waste to pay for plates that no one will be able to enjoy! I’ve been trying to track these things down for months, just so glad to almost have that behind me.” If she really is just ignorant, she could learn the lesson that way without feeling unduly criticized. 

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