(Closed) Donate to charity instead of traditional wedding favor

posted 7 years ago in Favors
Post # 46
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
Sephiroth:  Because it could be something that is meaningful to the couple, and it’s just another way of making the event more intimate. We’ve had friends make donations to the shelter they got their dog from, and include a picture of the dog. We’ve also seen friends make donations to different medical groups that have helped them (or their families) with various issues. I’ve never seen anyone do it to show off, flaunt the fact that they made a charitable donation or anything like that. It’s simply an act of taking a step back, in the midst of a party designed to celebrate you and your husband, and taking some time to acknowledge those who are less fortunate. My FH and I will absolutely be doing it. I’d much rather donate to a local shelter than send my guests home with beer coozies and shot glasses with my name on it that I know they’ll never use – and knowing the people I have on my guest list, I know they’d prefer that as well.

Post # 47
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

I think that donating to a charity would be a wonderful thing to do, but that donation should be between you and organization of your choice. It has nothing to do with your guests.

I attended a wedding where that was done and there were notes on every table explaining the lack of favors and what was done instead, which I thought was really unecessary

Charity is a very personal thing for a lot of people and the odds are that your choice of charity may bother some guests. It’s also akin to asking someone to give you a pat on the back for doing something nice for a cause or the less fortunate. I know this isn’t actually the case, but if you look at the big picture, that’s pretty much how it comes off.

No favors is totally fine in my book – most favors get thrown out or forgotten anyway. Just don’t say you’re donating “instead”. Just give them good food, drinks, music and I’m sure they’ll have a wonderful time!

Post # 48
Member
13792 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Here’s a couple of relevant Miss Manners quotes on the subject.  

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2001/11/8/mister-gets-tangled-in-titles

“The answer: Because you were surely not clamoring for party favors, which are more associated with children’s birthday parties than with weddings, when they dangled one in front of you, whipped it away, and then preened themselves about being charitable for doing so.”

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2008/3/6/is-this-seat-taken

“Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children’s birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.

Donating money for medical research is a fine idea if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.

You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then deciding against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.”

Post # 49
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t have any issue with this and have considered doing it myself, I lost my Grandma not so long ago and I wanted to make a donation to cancer research in her memory. 

However, when I discussed this with my Fiance he had already decided what he wanted for the favours. Instead I’ve decided to not have a bouquet and donate that money instead. 

Post # 50
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

 

View original reply
glitterfixation:  Well, I’m not a big fan of people announcing when they’ve donated to charity – it just seems a bit like you’re seeking a pat on the back for being philanthropic. (If you *really* want genuine cred from friends/family for being philanthropic, request that people donate to the charity instead of giving you wedding gifts. I’ll support that 1000%.)

However, if it were really important to you let people know what you’ve donated to, wouldn’t it be better to simply have a placard that indicates “in celebration of this event, we have donated to XYZ”. Why bring the concept of ‘favors’ into it at all? It has nothing to do with the donation.

It would be just as incongruous to have a sign that said “We considered having a Candy Bar for guests, but decided to use the money for XYZ charity instead.” That’s just weird. Guests don’t need a Candy Bar, not everyone has them, and no one would notice if you didn’t do it. But that sign would be bizarre.

Post # 51
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
Sephiroth:  it sounds like you have more of an issue with the way you’ve seen it worded than the actual donating, then? Because that’s a different issue – we could go back and forth about wording all day long, lol.

Post # 52
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

 

View original reply
glitterfixation:  I don’t think anyone on this thread has any issue with the donation at all. If you read the replies, pretty much everyone who’s against the idea agrees that donating to charity is cool, and skipping favors is cool. It’s the LINKING of them that’s off-putting.

So, I have two issues – and you’re right, the second one is a wording issue, but it’s significant.

1) I find it distasteful for someone to announce that they have donated to charity, as it seems a bit “look how generous we are”. (Indicating, when asked, that you would prefer donations instead of *receiving* gifts is commendable, however.)

2) I find it utterly bizarre to pretend that you, donating to a charity you believe in, is somehow a favor *to me*. It isn’t. If you feel you must announce your donations, don’t link them to the idea of “favors”.

Post # 53
Member
13792 posts
Honey Beekeeper

A few people  have mentioned asking guest to donate to a charity of their choice instead.  As thoughtful and selfless as this may sound, and no doubt it’s a request  made with good intentions, it is not considered appropriate to tell people that they are expected to give you anything at all or that you are thinking of gifts in the first place.  

 

 

Post # 55
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 

View original reply
Sephiroth:  I’ve actually seen at least one person lamenting the idea of a donation somehow “taking a gift away from a guest” in this thread. Which I think is ridiculous – you’re getting free drinks and a meal but you’re up in arms about the money that would have gone to giving you a package of jordan almonds went to a charity instead? <br /><br />In any case, I may not agree with your opinion but you’re absolutely entitled to it. Sounds like OP is going ahead with her decision to do the charitable donation and I’ll be doing the same 🙂

Post # 56
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

[deleted because discussion seems to be winding down/OP has come to a resolution on her issue]

Post # 57
Member
13792 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
MrsSmith12:  I think donating to an anti-hunger organization is a wonderful thing to do!  I’m just not sure why you feel the need for this kind of public self promotion at a private social event, as opposed to a fundraiser, where it would be a lot more appropriate. 

Post # 58
Member
1702 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think this quote that 

View original reply
weddingmaven posted sums it up perfectly:

“Donating money for medical research is a fine idea if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.

You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then deciding against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.”

Donate all you want, but it really has no place being showcased at your wedding.

Post # 59
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Exactly… I just don’t see what your donation has to do with your wedding and why you need to tell the guests about it.

Post # 60
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee

Donating to a charity of your choosing is a great idea, quite charitable of you but it is not really a “favor” to your guests and I don’t see any reason to announce your being charitable at your wedding as a “favor” to your guests or otherwise. Though I admit if you gave up flowers, table cloths, professional photogs, a tall fancy cake, etc and put a sign up that said you decided instead to donate the money to charity I would take more interest in that.

The topic ‘Donate to charity instead of traditional wedding favor’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors