Post # 31
Your parents sound supportive. Just leave it out. If they are anything like mine the delusion will be so thick it won’t register. I used to live with my bf in 2 bedroom and they thought we slept in different rooms? When they came to visit me he slept in our room and my mom asked if he needed the bedding since she assumed he would sleep on the floor? The delusion is strong with my parents
Post # 32
I agree with ashleyroo : , based on all the examples you’ve given about your interactions with your parents, they sound like lovely supportive people who love you. I would stop worrying about this issue. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a source of conflict either way. Try to relax and enjoy your visit with them 🙂
Post # 33
I wouldn’t hide his stuff. You’d be surprised how good it feels to be empowered and just to be yourself, even in the presence of people who don’t agree with your choices.
They are guests in your home – which I presume you pay for and look after by yourself – so really, parents or not, it is not their place to judge what you do. Use it as an opportunity to practice being comfortable and calm in your own skin around them. It’s a great skill to learn because, in life, there will be many people who do not agree with you, and you cannot change or bend to please them all. At a certain point, you just kind of have to go, “Screw it.”
When it comes to breaking the news to your parents of you and your boyfriend moving in together, I’m of the “ripping the bandaid off” approach. They will get over it eventually, the sooner the better. My mom is religious too and has also disagreed with a lot of my choices to move in with guys before marriage, but she will generally just have her little say, tell me she just wants what’s best for me, and we move on. Sounds like your parents might be the same.
Post # 34
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
I wouldn’t hide anything. It’s YOUR home and they’re YOUR guests. If someone is a guest in my home and they don’t like the way I’m choosing to live, then they have the choice not to stay, family or not – it’s something I feel quite strongly about. I used to work with a girl who had to hide all evidence of her lesbian relationship whenever her religious mother would visit, it used to make me feel so angry on her behalf, it was a really sad situation.
Bee, you’ve made life choices which are completely reasonable and you’re in a happy relationship. Don’t hide it to placate anyone else.
Post # 35
There’s a world of a difference between leaving his underwear on your couch, a condom in the fruit bowl, and your panties in the bathroom – versus some shampoo and deodorant under your sink. Be respectful, but don’t get mowed over for these people, either.
Post # 36
minnewanka : I’d be super practical about it. If the boyfriend isn’t going to stay over while your parents are there I’d move it under the sink or to the linen closet to make some room in the shower for their things. I wouldn’t go out of my way to hide it, but keeping the shower uncluttered for guests is just courteous.
Post # 37
gryffinfoot : my cousin did that and even showed her parents that they had a “roommate agreement”. She was 40. She was already divorced. Like….for real? I straight up laughed when my aunt told me that they had separate bedrooms. I was just like “oh ok….but they’re still screwing”.
Post # 38
Thanks Bees. I’m not conflicted about leaving the stuff out, I was just curious about opinions.
I remember telling my mum once that I was her easiest child to raise. She said emphatically I was NOT. I was confused – I didn’t drink, I didn’t party, I got great grades, I read all the time. I had siblings coming home drunk, missing curfew, etc. Apparently I had opinions, and liked to argue. “Sister just cried and apologized, you would argue.”
My one sister who said to go for leaving the stuff out actually texted me to tell me that when her and my mum were on holiday in Bali (she was living in Australia at the time) she had told my mum she lived with her boyfriend and nothing bad happened. They just kept drinking pina coladas. This sister does have some struggles with anxiety and depression, so I know my mum is very careful about what she says to her (versus she would be a lot more blunt and straightforward with me).
ashleyroo : He would sleep on the floor. THIS MAKES ME LAUGH SOOOOO HARD. I could actually see my mum saying something like this.
Hint #2 happened this morning. I have to work a half-day. I gave my mum my spare keys and she asked for my set with the car keys on them in case she wanted to use my car. My set also has boyfriend’s house keys on them. She probably won’t notice or will think they are for my work.
Post # 39
i have very conservative parents as well. i basically hid evidence of sleepover with boyfriends from parents until i met my now-husband. when i knew my husband was the “one” (to use a cliche), i stopped hiding it from them because basically it was worth taking the heat. i knew were were going to be together long-term and so i stopped hiding anything. but for a casual boyfriend who maybe wasn’t going to be around in a few months, i didn’t feel like it was worth the lectures…
Post # 40
My mum helped me move into my place when I bought it, but my dad has never seen it. My mum played a prank on my dad, showing him “their room” (mine). He got all excited that I had such a nice spare room.
Here they are, all cute in the spare room (the bed is a queen, but it looks tiny). My spare room, when I don’t have guests, is generally for all my camping and ski gear.
Post # 41
The holiday went really well. We had a lovely time, and they both really liked my boyfriend.
On reflection I think part of my concerns relate back to dealing with my mum as a teenager vs being 30. I moved out for university at 17, and haven’t lived with her since.
My uncle (mum’s brother) has a new girlfriend, and they are going on their first holiday together. I made a joke about how when I was a kid I always thought it was so expensive for him to travel with his then girlfriend since they weren’t married and would have to get two hotel rooms. My mum responded along the lines of “It isn’t my place to intrude or tell another adult how to live their life. Unless he asked me about living in the faith, then I would discuss it.”
In five days there was only one mention of “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” It wasn’t aimed directly at me, but was a comment on why so many women are unhappy now days, because they want marriage and are only moving in together to appease the man. It was followed up with “I know you would have enough self-respect to hold out for what you want.”
This morning when I mentioned in passing I had meal prepped for my boyfriend over a recent long weekend she did say I was making myself too available to him, and shouldn’t do wife things when I was just his girlfriend. I just responded it was a nice gesture for me to do as he was out of town until 9pm on the Monday night and wouldn’t be able to get groceries.
Overall though, she was definitely aware of my relationship wtih boyfriend (I commented on a weekend we had gone away, I ran over to use his washroom when our water got turned off, and the shampoo stayed in the shower).
Post # 42
Awe good for you! I’m glad it went well.