Don't Ask / Don't Tell

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you hide evidence your partner sleeps over when your religious family comes to visit?
    Leave it out. You do you. Be proud. : (70 votes)
    78 %
    Hide it. Not worth the grief and the lectures about abstinence. : (20 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 31
    526 posts
    Busy bee

    Your parents sound supportive. Just leave it out. If they are anything like mine the delusion will be so thick it won’t register. I used to live with my bf in 2 bedroom and they thought we slept in different rooms? When they came to visit me he slept in our room and my mom asked if he needed the bedding since she assumed he would sleep on the floor? The delusion is strong with my parents 

    Post # 32
    1464 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    I agree with ashleyroo : , based on all the examples you’ve given about your interactions with your parents, they sound like lovely supportive people who love you. I would stop worrying about this issue. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be a source of conflict either way. Try to relax and enjoy your visit with them 🙂

    Post # 33
    735 posts
    Busy bee

    minnewanka : 

    I wouldn’t hide his stuff. You’d be surprised how good it feels to be empowered and just to be yourself, even in the presence of people who don’t agree with your choices.

    They are guests in your home – which I presume you pay for and look after by yourself – so really, parents or not, it is not their place to judge what you do. Use it as an opportunity to practice being comfortable and calm in your own skin around them. It’s a great skill to learn because, in life, there will be many people who do not agree with you, and you cannot change or bend to please them all. At a certain point, you just kind of have to go, “Screw it.”

    When it comes to breaking the news to your parents of you and your boyfriend moving in together, I’m of the “ripping the bandaid off” approach. They will get over it eventually, the sooner the better. My mom is religious too and has also disagreed with a lot of my choices to move in with guys before marriage, but she will generally just have her little say, tell me she just wants what’s best for me, and we move on. Sounds like your parents might be the same. 

    Post # 34
    716 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

    I wouldn’t hide anything. It’s YOUR home and they’re YOUR guests. If someone is a guest in my home and they don’t like the way I’m choosing to live, then they have the choice not to stay, family or not – it’s something I feel quite strongly about. I used to work with a girl who had to hide all evidence of her lesbian relationship whenever her religious mother would visit, it used to make me feel so angry on her behalf, it was a really sad situation.

    Bee, you’ve made life choices which are completely reasonable and you’re in a happy relationship. Don’t hide it to placate anyone else.

    Post # 35
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    There’s a world of a difference between leaving his underwear on your couch, a condom in the fruit bowl, and your panties in the bathroom – versus some shampoo and deodorant under your sink. Be respectful, but don’t get mowed over for these people, either. 

    Post # 36
    7916 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    minnewanka :  I’d be super practical about it. If the boyfriend isn’t going to stay over while your parents are there I’d move it under the sink or to the linen closet to make some room in the shower for their things. I wouldn’t go out of my way to hide it, but keeping the shower uncluttered for guests is just courteous. 

    Post # 37
    7916 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    gryffinfoot :  my cousin did that and even showed her parents that they had a “roommate agreement”. She was 40. She was already divorced. Like….for real? I straight up laughed when my aunt told me that they had separate bedrooms. I was just like “oh ok….but they’re still screwing”. 

    Post # 39
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    i have very conservative parents as well.  i basically hid evidence of sleepover with boyfriends from parents until i met my now-husband.  when i knew my husband was the “one” (to use a cliche), i stopped hiding it from them because basically it was worth taking the heat.  i knew were were going to be together long-term and so i stopped hiding anything.  but for a casual boyfriend who maybe wasn’t going to be around in a few months, i didn’t feel like it was worth the lectures…

    Post # 42
    6624 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Awe good for you! I’m glad it went well.

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