(Closed) Don’t even know where to begin

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk about prorities and reality.

If marriage is your thing, then you should make it clear a grocery store candy ring would do and a simple wedding would be more than sufficient. The money thing canno’t stand forever as an excuse. Now if you do have grand plans and have to have a certain ring and budget, then it very well can be a problem

Does his family know about you? If not thats concerning.

Unfortunately you can’t change him or his personality. It seems like you guys are opposites on some very important things. marriage won’t fix his laziness or lack of motivation. You can keep doing things for him and keep perpetuating the problems

If a real heart to heart on your values and future together goes bad, I suggest taking a break. You may find someone who is motivated, and won’t waste your time but still has all the qualities of sweetness etc that you are clinging to now.

Post # 4
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

Even if he proposed right this second I don’t see all the issues going away.  I don’t think you respect this man anymore.  I think you have been a supportive girlfriend for long enough.   

Post # 5
Member
14415 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Are you prepared to plead and argue with him to strive for more forever?  Are you prepared to kick start him do the leg work for him such as write his applciation essay?  Are you sure you wont resent him for not helping around with the household as an equal cleaning, picking up dry cleaning, etc.?  Sometimes love just isnt enough.  I was with my ex bf for nearly 7 years before we broke up when I was 28 also. He was caring, loving, we discussed marriage… but eventually, resentment for the wait (among other serious issues) was too much.  No amount of work in my eyes was going to take us back to a happy place where we should get married or be together.  If you feel in your heart its not right anymore, no point in wasting anymore time…

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

It definitely does sound like you two need to really talk about things.  Four years is a pretty long time to get to know who someone really is though, do you even think he could change and has he made any strides to becoming better with anything? 

I dated my ex fiance for 7 years and he showed he had some ambition here and there but never really lived in reality!  He went to school for film (which isn’t exactly the most stable field) and didn’t have a good steady job for most of our relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, he definitely did things for me but it wasn’t enough.  We are still friends but he is still doing basically nothing with his life and I’m so glad we aren’t together anymore. 

You need someone that you know will be there to take care of you no matter what.  If you lost your job or were sick do you think he would go out and get a 2nd job to take care of you?  It sounds like you are doing absolutely all the work in your relationship.  Love is obviously very important but that is not all that makes a relationship work.  I apologize if this sounds harsh at all and I feel like you know exactly what needs done but aren’t ready to come to terms with it yet.

Post # 7
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Why do you want to marry him? Do you think that he will make a good partner throughout your whole lives? The things that you don’t like about him are not going to change after you get married, you will have to push him all the time, for the rest of your life with him. I agree with the PP, love is not enough to commit to a marriage.

Post # 8
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m not one for ultimatums… but in this case I would make an exception.  

It seems as if he has gotten too comfortable in this relationship, and at the same time (I’m not trying to be mean) you have allowed it.   You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him concerning the direction of this situation.  If he wants to drag it out, or isn’t sure, it’s time to say goodbye.  Obviously you love him, you have stood by for 5 years… I know it will be hard but it will be the right thing to do.  You need someone who loves you, respects you, and meets you halfway with the day-to-day norms.  The other posters have some awesome advice also.  

I am so sorry you are going through this.  ***HUGS***

 

 

Post # 9
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

I am sooooo sorry!  Believe me when I say I have been in your situation twice!  Once for 4 years and once for 18 months.  I know the sick feeling you get in your stomach when you feel you aren’t good enough.  It’s so debilitating that as women, our self esteem is so directly linked to whether or not we are “chosen” by a man.  It’s so hard to be in a good relationship and have a partner who isn’t dying to marry you.  I HAVE BEEN THERE!

I am 32 and in a new relationship, and the scars from my past are still there.  It’s very hard to keep them at bay and not destroy things with this great guy whom I have recently fallen madly in love with.  I am terrified he will do exactly what my 2 exes did, but that’s another post for another day Wink

Mrs. Argentina is totally right.  You will never change his personality.  The only thing you can control is your actions/reactions.  Take some power back.  Everything is NOT on his terms!!!  They are on your terms too.  You can leave any time you want when you finally realize you can’t wait anymore.  Not saying you should leave, but knowing that you could leave should empower you.  Think about that for a while.

My boyfriend is also lazy.  He’s motivated in the business world, but lazy about me.  Not romantic at all… but he deeply values me and I adore him, laziness and all.  Think of your imperfect qualities and be happy you found a great guy to love you regardless (even if he still hasn’t put a ring on it!).  It’s easy to focus on bad qualities when we are not getting our needs met.

One thing that helped me in my 4 year relationship (he was also 36 and we have a 5 year old together) was to put an ultimatum ON ME.  He was wishy washy about our wedding and pushed our date back like 5 times for no reason.  It was supposed to be a JOP and a Bed and Breakfast deal, so very little money was invested.  But one day, exactly 5 weeks before our wedding, he told me he never exactly proposed… and why was I doing all this planning?  I made pancakes for us and our son and I left him that night.  I promised myself that if he ever acted wishy washy again, I was out.  I kept my promise and felt so empowered.

So you can give yourself a deadline and act appropriately if that deadline passes with no ring.

Do you want an expensive ring or wedding?  If money is his excuse, maybe it’s time to discuss that point specifically.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, I got to about the third paragraph and the red flags are already WAY up. You had to write his admissions essay?? He never even told his parents you were together? After a year?! I’m going to be blunt here…do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to poke, prod, beg, and finally do it yourself whenever something important must be done? I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible exciting things like purchasing your first house, a car, starting a family, etc., would be with a partner who is willing to do so little. He doesn’t appear to be doing, or have done in the past, one thing to work on building a nice future for the two of you – that speaks volumes, and not nice or loving ones. I’m sorry.

Post # 11
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I really think you’ll be frustrated with this man if you DO marry him.  You are a doer and he is a procrastinator and it’s true that marriage won’t change that.  Please rethink the situation be sure this is what you want for the rest of your life.  I know it’s so hard when you love someone and have invested so much time and effort.  I’m feeling ya – been with mine for 3 years and it really angers me that I have to “fight” about the marriage thing.  I know he loves me, but he’s fighting tooth and nail about marriage.  I know that soon I’ll have to make a tough decision.

Really sucks – we all deserve someone who can’t wait to make us their official partner in every way!

 

Good luck – keep us posted.

Post # 12
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s very hard to want better for someone who doesn’t want better for themselves.  My boyfriend was in that type of stagnate place about a year and a half ago.  He didn’t go to college, so he holds that against himself.  He talks about it all the time (since we’ve been together, I’ve finished my bachelors and begun my grad degree).  He had been working for a company for about 8 years and knew it was about to fold (part-time layoff, cancelling of insurance, etc) but still didn’t seem motivated enough to get out there and find a new job.  I think a lot of it had to do with insecurities.  Finally, I sat him down and had a serious talk – along with a nice, swift kick in the ass. 

Certain aspects of your relationship make me worry – especially not telling his parents about you for a year (and not even telling them himself!!).  I understand trying to find the right way to tell them, with the differing religions and all, but I DON’T understand not telling them at all!  And the whole admissions essay thing – that’s just a load of BS.  Grown men should act like grown men – they shouldn’t need hand-holding 24/7!

I would explain to him that you’re tired of doing all the things a wife would do (errands, cooking, and everything else you do for him) and that you’re not going to continue to do these things until you feel some reciprocation from him.  You give him what he wants, its time for him to give you what you want.

Post # 13
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

This is about more than just the ring. He is clearly being lazy right now with everything. Whatever it is, perhaps a therapist could help. The thing is, you’re NOT going to change him. Not by badgering him, or by writing his essays, or by reminding him of it. All you’re doing is being codependent and trying to fight his fights for him (forgive me if that was harsh).

I was in a similar situation. I was the lazy one that kept ignoring reality. I would do the talk but not walk the walk. So my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. He said that he would not put up with that if we wanted to stay together, that he wanted to date a reliable woman, not an immature little girl. He said that I needed to go to counseling or figure things out, but that things had to get better or we’d reconsider our relationship. At the same time, he was there for me and stood beside me, but did not listen to me whine or complain when I wasn’t trying hard enough.

That really helped. I went to counseling, and now I slip every now and then, but I’m mostly a completely different person. You need to do the same (i’m training to be a life coach, this is what I would tell any client as well). 

1. Tell him that you’re not going to tolerate that, that you need a man as a partner, one that you can respect

2. Stop fighting his battles for him and let him fight them on his own – no matter how hard it gets

3. Put your foot down, and keep it there. Tell him you want him to figure it out, and that you want him to come up with a plan and IMPLEMENT it in a few weeks. As in, probably go get counseling. CBT is the best way to go, imho. They don’t just sit and talk to you, they actually give you exercises and help you move forward. It’s similar to coaching, but cheaper.

4. If he doesn’t do it, you need to be strong enough to walk away for a while. Just walk away and tell him that he can come back when he’s a real independent and mature man. That’ll get him going. But you need to mean it.

So many women set ultimatums and do nothing about them. Then they don’t work and the women wonder why. The men know that there will be no consequences if they break the ultimatum. The only way for him to take you seriously is for you to treat him with respect and EXPECT things of him, and then show him that you mean it.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@squeak: I was totally going to suggestion counseling too!  Maybe a session or two of couples’ counseling would help you both figure out where you want to be and if the other person should be included in that place.

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