Don't Feel Comfortable Around Husband's Family

posted 6 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

missm0392 :  Is there any chance that you come across as judgemental/condescending to them? It’s how your comments sound to me and I don’t even know you.

My brother in law asked my brother to play ball, and the brothers girlfriend immedaitely gets up and is acting like her tomboyish self, but I think she does all this just to get attention! I’m more of a laid-back girl, who tries to act appropriately in front of company.

Why is it a problem for you when the girlfriend gets up? What is “acting like her tomboyish self”?

Do you think that playing ball with the guys is tomboyish and inappropriate? It wasn’t clear to me what you think she did wrong.

Post # 3
9896 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You sound pretty judge-y in your post. I bet that comes across in person, even if you don’t mean it to.

Honestly, it just sounds like you are all different people who don’t have much in common. That’s fine. You don’t all need to be friends so stop trying to get them to like you. Be polite to them and focus your energy on the family members you get along with.

Post # 5
14987 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

A little background- I grew up in a suburban area…nice city, top rated schools. I’m more of a city, girly type of woman. His family and the women in his family are from “the sticks”. They’re more outspoken, ‘rough-around-the-edges, more tom-boyish. 

I agree with PP…. From your first words describing the situation and you already sound judgy about them.  Perhaps you don’t realize you put off an air of superiority coming from a ‘nice city, with top rated’ schools to them since they’re just from “the sticks”.  

And what is “acting appropriately”?  Why is it a bad thing to get up and wanna play ball?  How is that attention seeking?  What is wrong with cursing like a sailor?  Maybe that’s just them, how they are, their true self, which you seem to be judging.

Post # 6
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

“She said she is waiting for a pretty ring” (insert eye roll) what is that all about? That sounds just as petty as she is. 

You ask us what else can you do to get them to like you? Bee the way you sound it seems like you don’t even like them. Especially the brother’s girlfriend. You guys just don’t click, that’s it. You may never. If you get along with his parent’s than that’s the important thing. You say you hate feeling like an outcast in your husband’s family, but it’s only his sister and the girlfriend. That’s not the whole family bee. Just be yourself like you have been, you really can’t change it. If it’s bothering you that much than ask them why they treat you they way they do. Maybe you will find out instead of guessing. You might get your answer. Just a thought.

Post # 7
793 posts
Busy bee

We often perceive in others the very behavior we may be guilty of ourselves. Your words seem quite critical and judgmental. Perhaps they sense this attitude and respond accordingly. If this is not indeed the case…just let it go. You can’t force anyone to like you. 

Post # 8
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

How much time do you have to spend with these people? Is there any chance of opening your husband’s eyes to what’s going on? If he’s not on your side, things will get worse. 

It sounds like a class conflict to me, and I’m sure they’re judging you just as hard as you’re judging them. The answer would be distance, less contact, support from your husband, paying less attention to the two sisters-in-law who sound like they enjoy not liking you.

You married a man, not his extended family. You don’t have to be like them, or like them, or be liked by them–but if he insists you merge into the enmeshment of his family you are in trouble. Where does his first loyalty lie, you or them?

Post # 9
1238 posts
Bumble bee

What kind of passive aggressive things does his brothers gf say to you? 

So you have no problem with his brother and his parents? Do they also behave inappropriately as you put it, such as curse in front of children? What about your husband, how does he behave?

I think I’m more curious how you even got together with your husband if you seem like to be from such a different background as his family (Apple can’t fall that far from the tree…) and see things so differently.

Post # 10
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You do seem very judgy. Without going into details you’ve classified them as “tomboys” and yourself as a “girly girl”. I’m not even sure what either of those things means to you. Unless they’re lacking in basic hygiene and are opening beer bottles with their teeth, I think you could work towards finding some common ground. But if you sit there judging them because they drop an occasional f-bomb and play sports, then I can definitely see why they don’t like you. Loosen up a little. 

Post # 11
478 posts
Helper bee

Stop trying to get them to talk to you and to like you.  You won’t be able to click with everyone in his family and it’s not necessary.  Be polite and friendly, but spend your time with the people you do like being around.  Play with the kids, have a great time.

How is your husband at these family gatherings?  Does he spend time with you and talking with you, or does he leave you entirely on your own?  If he’s leaving you to your own devices often, that can contribute to feeling out of place.

Post # 12
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

Bee, stop trying to push a cart sideways. You guys just don’t have anything in common. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you have to be friends. That goes for blood relatives AND in-laws… you really don’t need to force a relationship with folks that you don’t see eye-to-eye with.

I guess you just have to accept the fact that you’re different and you have to take responsiblity that you don’t really want to be friends with them anyway. Just don’t lie to yourself about it- you aren’t trying to get in the game w/ them, to get to know them better and get in their world. You are sitting on the sidelines. Someone who really wanted a relationship would try to include themselves more. 

You made assumptions that they have some sort of ulterior motives when they may not. They’re just doing their thing. If I knew my in-laws were saying those things about me on an internet forum, I wouldnt be too keen to open up to them either. 

Post # 13
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

It sounds like you don’t like them and they don’t like you. And that’s fine. You don’t have to be besties. Just be civil and stop trying to foster a friendship with an incompatible person.

Post # 14
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - Beverly Hills, CA

If your first words about your in-laws to strangers on the internet have to do with perceived neighborhood affluence and your own heteronormative ideas of “female” “behavior” then I’m pretty sure your in-laws have picked up a long time ago on how you feel about then.

Post # 15
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Only people who are unhappy or insecure are mean and judgemental of others. 

Time to take a moment to look in the mirror, reflect and find peace. 

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