Post # 1
I know that everyone will say that it’s our day and we should do what we feel is appropriate, but here’s my situation:
Dad cheated on my mom after 25 years of marriage. I caught him via email/ the internet… We hadn’t spoken in a long time and tried to patch things up to establish a decent father/daughter relationship, but it never seems to work. It seems like everytime he has a new woman in his life, he forgets about my sister and I. He’d make plans and bail continuously.
My FH and I bought a house and we have invited him and his current gf over at least 6 times, but he bails every time… all bc of his gf’s daughter’s dance classes. (She’s 17…) His excuse was that this is “just how his family is right now.” I’m horribly offended that the daughter of his gf is taking precedence over my sister and I and I really don’t want him to walk me down the aisle…
I know this will spark big controversy, but I haven’t spoken to him in 2 months bc of the last time he bailed and I finally called him on it… I barely called him to tell him we had gotten engaged, and that was a 0.5 minute “congratulations” and then silence. I was thinking about having someone else walk me down the aisle, but I have no brothers. I have a stepfather that I get along with, but I don’t know… My sister will be my Maid/Matron of Honor and I was thinking of doing a very non-traditional having her walk me down the aisle and give her the honor. Seems like we’ve been through so much together even though she’s closer to him than I.
At this point, I don’t even want to dance with him at the wedding. I keep trying to thing of a song that would fit how many pieces he’s caused our lives to be in, but that’s no good for a happy event!
He paid for my sister’s dress, but has made no offers to do anything for our wedding. We actually have no desire for him to help out so that we’d feel obligated.
Has anyone else had their sister or mother walk them down the aisle? Did it cause weird stares? Did the father get really angry?
Post # 3
How about you walk yourself down the aisle or have your groom walk down the aisle? This way- it will look like you’re just doing something untraditional and not shunning your Dad.
I get where you’re coming from, but at the same time you don’t want to do something that makes YOU uncomfortable.
I hope you get some good ideas on this thread. *HUGS
Post # 4
I think you should do whatever you want to do! Im not having my dad walk me because to me it would just be weird, I love my dad but we are just not like that. (when he visits his mom he only lets her kiss his hand!) And we are also not doing any dances!
Post # 5
I am having my mom walk my down the aisle because I feel she has been the most important and supportive person in my life. My dad and stepdad are walking side by side in the family’s procession. My dad hasn’t said anything about it (becasue he is passive aggressive) but I know he’s upset. Though honestly, I don’t care because just like you I have a shitty relationship with him. If he confronted me about it I would say that to me the tradition of walking a bride down the aisle is about support, not patriarchy, and as a supportive role my mom takes the cake.
Post # 6
I have a terrible relationship with my father, so I chose to walk myself down the aisle. Best. Decision. Ever.
My father was so angry about this that he chose not to come to the wedding, and basically disowned me. But that just made me realize that I made the right decision. It was wonderful walking confidently towards my husband, on my own.
Post # 7
I too think that you should choose to do whatever makes YOU the most happy. I think having your mother or sister walk you down the aisle would be beautiful as would walking down by yourself. If your father complains tell him that this is just how your family is right now. Ok don’t do that, but you get the picture!
Post # 8
Though I haven’t been married yet or seen the situation you describe, I say go for it! It seems like sticking with wedding traditions is not a good plan if they don’t feel like a good fit for you. I think the wedding day is a day for you and your soon to be life partner to have things done in such a way that feels right and comfortable for YOU, not for what tradition dictates or whatever. I think having your sister walk you down the aisle is a wonderful idea, if nothing else because it will be so much more meaningful and special to you.
Post # 9
I asked my brother to do it, because I am in the same situation, but he said he would feel awkward. My problem was I didn’t know if dad would even show up because he missed both my graduations but never told me if he would or wouldnt come. So, the way I handled it, even though we have our problems, and I also caught him cheating (after my mom had, thank god) Anyway, because my brother didn’t want to make my dad feel bad, I opted to just ask my father if he wanted a tux, so I would know if he was coming or not, and now that I have and have asked him to walk me down, he has become a lot more involved in planning, and may actually contribute– ha!
Post # 10
To honor my mother however, we have a nod to our moms in the ceremony, and not our fathers.
Post # 11
Why would you even consider letting him? Have your Mom walk you, or walk yourself! He doesn’t deserve the honor.
Post # 12
my SIL had her mom walk her down the aisle, and it was beautiful! not a dry eye in the place. A wedding is as unique as you are and anyone who knows and loves you will not give you a weird stare as youre walking down the aisle no matter who you are walking with.
I say only do what you want to, (skip the dance if you like) but tell him ahead of time and if he asks why i would tell him.
Good call on calling out your Dad though, it sounds like he needed to hear it and I think you did a good thing by standing up for you and your sister.
Post # 13
Wow, that sounded almost exactly like my relationship with my dad, caught him cheating on my mom after they were married for 25 years online as well. My dad and I have both worked really hard to reestablish the relationship in the last few years, which has been challanging. I am sorry things havn’t worked out as well with your dad. If he was involved when you were younger, and a good dad, I would still say have him walk you down the aisle, providing you have a good heart to heart over how his current actions are making you feel.
Post # 14
I am in a very similar situation. Although my dad is not quite as badly behaved as yours, I have serious issues with being close to him emotionally. This tradition just rubbed me the wrong way and I too worried about the social fallout. After much hemming and hawing I wrote a letter to my parents (for me an easier way to communicate) letting them know that I wanted to walk down the aisle by myself. I told them that for me the tradition didn’t make much sense and I didn’t want to support it or do something that felt dishonest. It’s important to me that those moments travelling down the aisle feel true- it is how I’m “entering” the marriage. I’m sure he’s hurt, but it was either going to be me or him. I chose me. I will be walking down the aisle to Nina Simone and owning every second of it. If anyone asks (and I’m sure they will- nosy little buggers), I’ll tell them that I’m not a goat and I don’t need to be walked anywhere or handed over to anyone.* Good luck!
*This is in no way meant to offend anyone taking part in this tradition- just a means of diversion for rude busybodies.
Post # 15
I’m there with you! I’ve decided to have my mom and my dad walk me down the aisle. My mom, because she’s my bestfriend, and I probably wouldn’t have survived my dad with out her. My dad, because, well, it’s my wedding. I don’t want to look back in 30 or 40 years when I’m burying my dad and say “Wow, I really wish he’d have walked me down the aisle”. It took me months if not years to decide this. In the end it has to be your decision. What will you be happy with the day of, in 5 years, in 20 years? Any choice you make will be the right one, just trust yourself.
Post # 16
Oh, and as for the dance song? How about “Father of Mine” by Everclear? I thought about that one for way too long. Still consider it 4 days out of the week 🙂