(Closed) dont know how to deal w this friend

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@futuremrsk18:  You are planning a wedding with no ring and getting ready to reconsider a friendship and you are not even engaged.

Some people don’t like wedding, but that doesn’t mean she won’t love being a part of yours.

 

Post # 4
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

i’m sorry that she’s shutting you down like that.  but she’s made it abundantly clear she is not comfortable with wedding talk (her bad previous experience, can’t relate to it herself, etc).  if she asks how the planning is, answer her but i wouldnt go to her for support regarding the wedding.  if/when you start planning your bridal party, if you don’t feel comfortable asking her, save yourself and her the awkwardness of it.  you wouldnt want her to accept because she feels she should.

Post # 5
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

@aicila:  and good point.  maybe pump on the brakes a little here.

Post # 9
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am sorry but not putting a “BFF” in a wedding party or not asking her if she wants to be in the wedding will caus problems in your friendship.

Have a conversation with her like “hey, I know you don’t like weddings, but I love you and I love our friendship and I want you to be part of the special day in my life because you are special to me” and she will probab;y change her tune.

Congratulations on the engagment.

Post # 10
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

@futuremrsk18:  sorry if i also misunderstood the relationship status!  i understand, you want to include but don’t want her to feel obligated.  tell her that.  be very frank, like: you’re my friend and i love you and i would love it if you could be a part of this exciting stage of my life.  i understand you had a bad experience and maybe you might not feel you can relate but it makes me sad that you might not be there.  i don’t want to pressure you or make either of us uncomfortable.  

 

i had a similar situation with a friend regarding having children.  she wants, i don’t and feel i cannot relate to her desire to have children.  she got very offended but i never said i was opposed to her wanting a kid.  if she had a baby, i would be happy for her and would probably spoil her child lol.  but she took me having a different opinion to mean i wouldnt be happy for her.  that miscommunication made me sad.  so try to clear up any confusion with your friend so you know where you both stand.

Post # 11
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@aicila:  Agree.

@futuremrsk18:  I’ve been that friend (sort of) and it’s a rough situation to be in.  If she’s someone who generally isn’t a fan of weddings (or big parties, etc), who then tried to be there for a friend and got burned, you can probably see how that would increase her feelings of dislike towards the whole idea.

The fact that she’s still trying to be there for you means, to me, that she is trying.  If you want someone who can gush over details, etc. she will probably not be it, but I still say that you should give her a chance to say no to the Bridesmaid or Best Man offer.  She may want to stand up with you, but not deal with all the little things that occur when planning a wedding…this is fair, btw.  

 

Post # 13
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@futuremrsk18:  Beautifully put.

” I completely understand she doesn’t enjoy it and if she would prefer to come as a guest, I would be just as happy, but that I would love for her to stand with me on my wedding day.”

If you say that, I am sure she will change her views Smile

Post # 15
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@futuremrsk18:  I’m in a very similar situation.. with ALL my friends. No one has said anything to me since the engagement about not liking weddings but I was privy to all of their sentiments while they were talking about other people’s weddings in the past so while I hear a lot of, “I’m happy for YOU, for YOU I want to do things” I’m not really buying it.

I’m the same age (29/30) and feel awkwardly putting wedding stuff onto my single friends. So if my Fiance agrees, I will not have a wedding party at all. I do like the way it all looks together in pictures and stuff but at the end of the day, our wedding is about US and including a bunch of people who will ultimately feel like it’s an obligation than some blissful, joyous experience doesn’t make sense to me.

Anyway, unlike PP’s I totally get what you’re feeling and I’m sure it’s about a lot more than those few remarks.

 

Post # 16
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I wouldn’t say you’re necessarily in “different places in your life,” implying that you’re somehow ahead of her or something. You just have different priorities. She still may be willing to be involved in your wedding, but if she isn’t, it doesn’t have to hurt the friendship. A wedding isn’t everything. Our dates are close and my sense is that aside from the stuff that books early, we don’t need to be worrying about so much planning. Take your time! Enjoy it!

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