Post # 1
I started a new job in November (yaay!) which I love and all the people here are very nice. The only problem is I’m part of a team of 4 other people my age who have been working here together for the past 3+ years and are all very good friends outside of work. While they are very nice to me in the office, they have never made an effort to include me or let me into the clique.
For example, we have Office IM and I’m at the end of our row furthest away from the door (high wall cubicles) so quite often at lunchtime I don’t hear any talking but all the sudden they’re just gone. And they come back 1 hour later together, laughing together at an inside joke clearly having gone somewhere all together.
There have also been 2 instances where I was left off of a meeting planner (being new, not anyone’s fault really) I actually missed an internal meeting since I didn’t know about it and didn’t see anyone getting up. None of them even noticed I wasn’t there and didn’t come back to get me.
I’ve tried to engage them in conversation which works since they are nice enough, but they never really let me in to the ‘inside circle’ if you know what i mean. I even tried to invite them to my NYE party, they all thanked me but none of them made it. I know it’s not a huge deal that I’m not buddy-buddy with them, but it’s unfortunately starting to effect my performance as we are a team and I’m left out of things. I also feel more and more left out the longer I work here and am starting to get depressed.
Not to make this even longer, but just a programming note – I replaced another girl who they were all friends with (I’ve never met her) so part of me thinks they don’t want to let me in as it would be ‘betraying’ her or something. I don’t know.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I would really appreciate it!
Post # 3
Bump! Anyone? I need advice b/c I have to go to a mandatory HH tonight with them and I’m afraid they’ll leave without me again! 🙁
Post # 4
Hmm.. That’s a tough one.
Is there an open cubicle anywhere closer to them, so that they would almost have to make it OBVIOUS that they were leaving you out when they leave? Being so far away and in a corner is a convenient way for them to ‘forget’ you are there.. know what I mean?
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I think it’s great of you to be nice to them though, and even invite them to your NYE party.
I haven’t exactly experienced this in the workplace, so I don’t have too much advice to give.
Post # 5
I think you might be onto something when you said that you think they might be intentionally leaving you out so they’re not ‘betraying’ the girl that worked there before you.
Still sucks though and isn’t justified.
Post # 6
Sadly, I don’t have any advice for you because I was in a very similar situation at my old job. I replaced a girl who was very popular in the office, and I never really made it into the office clique. They used to go out to happy hours and such and always “accidently” leave me off the invite list. I never got what it was all about.
Post # 7
Can you ask them to share their calendars so you can see what they are up to? We do that here through Micrsoft Exchange. . .And then check their calendars in the morning to see if you forgot to be CC’d on anything.
The people at my company worked together for 3-4 years before they exploded and hired 10 more employees – of which I was the first of the bunch. They still go out to lunch together and out afterwards for drinks without inviting anyone else – I just try to protect myself by keeping up on my projects.
Post # 8
Are they the ones in charge of the meetings or is it like your supervisor calling them? And they’re just forgetting to tell you about them? I’d ask that whoever is in charge of the meetings inform you directly about when they are having one because of a lack of communication.
So far as being buddy buddy with them, you are putting in all of the effort. So I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 9
If you’re all going to the mandatory HH tonight, why not IM one of them or email them and ask if they’d like to walk/drive over together? They might not realize they’re doing it b/c they’re just going about their daily routine? Ask one to lunch one day…or email all of them and ask them what they’re doing for lunch and if they’d like to join you.
Sometimes, as the new girl, you need to take initiative to invite THEM out with YOU. They’ll start seeing how awesome you are, and won’t leave you off the invite list for long I’m sure.
Post # 10
I know it sounds lame but since you have to go… can you ask someone (maybe the nicest of the bunch) to tell you before they leave for HH?
Post # 11
@okqueenbee – Good idea, but there aren’t any other cubicles I can move to, and I wouldn’t know what to say to request it.
@Hotchild – sounds similar. They actually all still keep in touch with her too – her first name is the same as mine (weird right?) So they always call me the ‘new moderndaisy’. Yeah, I’m always ‘accidentally’ left off the list whenever they do something together and it’s almost like I don’t exist in meetings, etc.
Post # 12
Actually there’s an Update!
I just walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and ran into all of them coming back in from going to the drugstore together! (I noticed it was really quiet!). They walked down to grab an afternoon snack I guess. They all walked by me without saying hi except for one who awkwardly said “Oh, moderndaisy we are all leaving at 5 and walking over to the HH if you are interested in coming with us”. It was seriously awkward. I was like “Thanks, sounds good!” So hopefully at least they won’t leave without me.
Post # 13
@newbiecici – They are not the ones organizing the meetings. It’s always an assistant to someone not in our immediate group. So it’s not even my supervisors fault – just an unfortunate coincidence.
Post # 14
I don’t think that they are deliberately snubbing you. They seem to have a well established social dynamic, and are probably unaware that you feel left out. It may also be that they just don’t want to expand their clique – which is unfortunate, but not something to beat yourself up over.
Unless you think this situation will harm your career, I would chalk it up to lack of chemistry and focus on your non-office social life.
Post # 15
I don’t really have any advice but I can say I am in the same situation so I know how you feel! I replaced a person who had been here for years and the group never really accepted me since i was an “outsider.” Then 2 years later we hired a bunch of new people and they banded together as “the new people” – so I fall exactly in the middle and don’t quite have a place! it can be hard to be sooooo nice to people every day and have conversations during the day about little stuff and then 20 minutes later those same people talk about “where should we go to lunch” right next to you and never invite you – so wierd!!! i think it’s like a “group-think” – people might say “should we invite
?” and no-one ever really gives a definite answer and it becomes comfortable to be with the same people and everyone kinda shrugs it off and no-one is ever left feeling like it is their personal obligation to be nice and include you since it’s “diffusion of responsibility”and safety in numbers. i just focus on how great it is to go home and see my wonderful family and fiance and how lucky i am in general – if this is their “thing” to look forward to then that’s fine… i have better things to think about and look forward to! 🙂
HOWEVER – if it is affecting your performance at work you need to approach this as all business – it is clear they do not want to be friends so you don’t need to people-please too much and shy away from the subject…. just very professionally let people know that you unfortunately missed a meeting recently and if it is possible to be added you to the reminders so you can be sure to that if another meeting comes up you can be on the same page so can contribute more effectively and that you are looking forward to helping out with the upcoming projects
good luck! 🙂
Post # 16
I know they are acting extremely childish and I’m sorry that you are in the situation. My only advice would be to take a little initiative. Maybe they aren’t going out of their way to accept you, but will accept you if you try to join them. Since they already have each other, they aren’t think of inviting anyone else along. Try to strike up conversation or suggest a place to go to lunch. And the one thing I find that never fails in the office is bring food. If someone brought in bagels on morning in my office they look like god to the co-workers.
Good luck with you event tonight.