(Closed) Don’t know how to handle this….Not wanting someone in your wedding..Please hel

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

first, congrats on your engagement!!

second, you do not need to ask her to be in your wedding at all. she doesn’t seem like she’s a good friend anymore, and you don’t have an obligation to ask her just because she asked you. you also don’t need to decide who is in your wedding party right away anyway–you can wait until you get a date and venue picked out and such. i wouldn’t tell her outright she’s not a bridesmaid unless she asks or is hinting towards it, since it sounds like she’s pretty volatile


Post # 4
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

When is her wedding? Honestly, if her wedding date isn’t close, I would be upfront but nice and tell her that after what she did, you don’t feel as close with her and don’t think you can in good conscious be in her wedding, but that you obviously still want her to attend your wedding. Sounds like you need to distance yourself a bit from her anyway.

Post # 5
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

If you haven’t picked a date yet, or even any of your other Bridal Party I’d just tell her you are still thinking about it and haven’t made a decision yet. Then once you decide maybe things will have settled down some and it’ll be easier for her to handle. Especially if it’s after her wedding and she doesn’t have the stress of planning still.

Post # 6
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Congrats on your engagement!

I have a friend that assumed she was going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding as well. We grew up together, and we never had a falling out or anything bad happen between us, we just grew apart.  We still talk from time to time through e-mail or IM, but I don’t hang out with her really.  Well, she made a comment as if she was expecting me to ask her to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I just didn’t acknowledge it.  I’m not asking her to be in my wedding.  I have 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and 4 BMs, all of which are either family, or my best friends.

She recently got engaged and has been talking about her Bridesmaid or Best Man choices.  She has hinted towards asking me, but it’s almost as if she’s expecting me to ask her to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man before she asks me to be hers.  It’s very childish.

If I were you, I’d just leave it alone for now.  I wouldn’t sit down with her and tell her she’s not your Bridesmaid or Best Man because that could cause a reaction.  I’d just avoid bringing it up until she questions you about it (she shouldn’t, but she seems like the type that would).  If she does get upset over it, just try to explain it to her as best you can.  If she can’t handle it, that’s her problem.  I know it might be awkward for you, but in the end it’s your wedding and you need to do what makes you happy!

Post # 7
1058 posts
Bumble bee


awww man, that is difficult, well I wouldn’t mention anything to her unless she asks. Have you chosen your bridal party yet? I know it’s probably still too soon but I’m assuming you have friends that you have known longer than her. If so, there is no reason why she should think she would be in the bridal party.

If she does assume that she will be in your bridal party because you were in hers than you will have to explain to her the reason for your choosing your bridal party and not including her. DON’T FEEL BAD if she reacts badly, personally I wouldn’t want someone who has such an unpredictable personality in my bridal party either for the very reason that at the last minute for whatever reason she backs out because she is “mad” at you.

Honestly, if she tries to make you feel guilty about not including her I would be weary about keeping a friend like that. I have several friends that I love, but can’t include everybody and they completely understand, that’s how friends should handle the situation. Hopefully she will be mature about it and handle it with grace.

Good luck!

Post # 8
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You need to have an up front discussion with her, preferably in person. It’s better to get things out in the open early on, especially if you are 100% sure.

There are a lot of girls I am close with, and I was really scared not to include them, even though I am not sure how well I trust some of them. To solve this problem, I decided I was only going to have girls in the wedding who I have known more than 10 years, so hopefully no one would take it personally that they weren’t included. If you could find some category common to all the girls in the wedding, which this other girl does not fit into, this might help and it might not feel as personal to her.

Also, you might want to think about if there is another place you could offer her in your wedding, like an usher?

Post # 9
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree with the others.  If her wedding is soon (it sounds like it if you’re being sized), then wait until it’s over and done with before even mentioning the wedding around her.  If she asks, tell her you’re enjoying being engaged for a while before worrying about planning a wedding.  You’ve got plenty of time to decide and if she keeps nagging, tell her you have to talk everything over with your Fiance and neither of you have come to any definite conclusions.  (for the heck on it, tell her you’re still working on a budget, lol).  

After her wedding, if she asks out right, tell her politely and nicely that you’ve chosen those who are your closest and dearest friends that you both agree with and you’re sure can can understand the difficult decisions that have to be made when planning a wedding.

good luck and congrats!!!!

Post # 10
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@mispriss1215: I don’t feel that you owe it to her to tell her who is in your wedding and that she isn’t at all!  The thing is, she obviously has some issues to try and kick you out of hers and then assume she would be involved in yours.  I would go along as if everything is normal.  If she asks you, be honest and tell her who is in yours.  Don’t even act like it’s a big thing.  You have no obligations to her.  Trust me, there were other friends of mine who probably expected to be in my wedding and I have no regrets for not asking them or telling them!

Post # 12
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@mispriss1215: Honestly I wouldnt worry about the repercussions of telling her.  You don’t need to tell her right away.  I wouldnt tell her unless she asks and you have decided who your BMs are.  It is an honor to be asked to be Bridesmaid or Best Man for someones wedding.  She shouldnt have assumed and has nothing to stand on for getting pissed if you are choosing not to have her!

Post # 13
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you need to just sit down and have a conversation. Tell her (nicely) that you were confused and hurt by her actions from a few weeks ago and that based on her bahavior and some things she said, you are concerned about your friendship. Let her know that you value the friendship, but that you want your engagement and your wedding planning to be as non-strssful as possible and with her own wedding right around the corner, is she sure she is able to be there for you and keep things on an even keel.

I’ve had the same best friend my whole life—literally 40 years. We’ve had our ups and downs and I found myself feleing some distance between us for several months before we announced our engagement. As I thought about how many bridesmaids I’d like and who I’d like to have in the wedding party, I simply couldn’t imagine her not being my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I was concerned. So I sat down with her and had a heart to heart and told her my feelings. She told me hers and how much it would mean to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and things were settled. She truly stepped up to the plate and executed all of her duties wonderfully! She was there when I needed a shoulder, was supportive when snafus arose, etc. I am so glad she was my Maid/Matron of Honor because it would’ve bothered me to look back and not have had her there.

Search your heart and decide what you truly want to do ad then have the conversation with her.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 14
157 posts
Blushing bee

My now sister-in-law didnt ask me to be in her wedding and I HATE her for it & probably will the rest of my life. Since you work with this girl, there is no avoiding her (like me, family functions are always strained & she’s SUPER fake to me) so bite the bullet and make it clear she’s not in your wedding. She sounds really childish if she’s going to be all drama about it. It sounds like she needs to grow up and realize it was her own behavior that caused this. You don’t need this stress. Planning a wedding is stressful enough. Good luck to you & happy planning!!!!!

Post # 15
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do not ask someone to be a bridesmaid because of feelings of guilt or obligation.  Take it from me, you will regret it later.

@eebgniddew: you still hate your sister in law because you were not a BM?  That seems a bit harsh….  hate is a strong word.

Post # 16
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Don’t tell her anything. Just do what you need to do and plan your wedding. She’ll figure it out. No need to put yourself through an unnecessary confrontation.

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