Post # 1
I feel like I’ve talked to my fiance about this a lot, and then to my close friends and parents, and I’m getting all kinds of conflicting opinions. Maybe I just need to write it all out and maybe that’ll help me make a decision…
My fiance and I are getting married this September and I’m looking to graduate the June after our wedding (yay!). My fiance graduated a year and a half ago and has been working at the same consulting firm since. He works long hours, sometimes 14-15 hours a day depending on what kind of project he’s on (that’s a whole different issue), but fortunately he doesn’t have to work weekends so that’s when we get to spend a lot of time together.
We’ve been talking about where we should live after we get married and we’ve pretty much decided that I would move in with him in his current apartment. He lives with 3 other guys (all good friends of both of ours), I wouldn’t call them “his” friends or “my” friends, they’re all mutual friends. They’re all really clean – most of the time their apartment is cleaner than mine, and they’re all really nice and we have a great time together. My fiance’s room is pretty big and would fit all of our belongings (not that we both have a ton of things) and neither of us have any real furniture, so we don’t have to worry about that. It would be easy and convenient and cheap to just move in for a year and wait until we’ve figured out our job situations since he’s looking to change jobs as well. We would be able to save money so that we can buy a house or a car later on.
Some people were completely shocked that I was considering living with other people other than my future husband after we get married. Many people have said that it’s a lot of fun having your own place when you’re newlyweds because you get to play house and decorate it, and I totally agree! We’ll just do that during our second year of marriage when we have a better idea of where our more permanent home will be. By living in his apartment we can save a few hundred dollars a month and put it towards a down-payment on a house or something.
Many people have mentioned that it’s the first year of our marriage and we need to live together, just the two of us, to build a strong foundation for our marriage. I would kinda agree on this… but just because you live by yourselves doesn’t mean you’ll build a strong foundation for your marriage. I think it would be a lot easier since there are less distractions and less people, but it’s still possible to build a strong foundation as newlyweds if there are other people living with you guys, right? We’ll just have to be more intentional about spending time together.
I guess my question is whether you’ve considered living with other people other than your spouse after you’ve gotten married, due to financial reasons or life reasons, or whatever reasons. How did it affect your marriage? Would you have gone a different route? Are there other things that I need to be considering that In’m not seeing right now? Thanks for any suggestions and advice you have 🙂
Post # 3
That’s ridiculous. You have the rest of your life to live just with him! I say go for it, from what you have said in this post there are far too many positives for both of you!! Don’t pay attention to other people’s opinions, listen to your gut and look at the positives in this. Building a foundation I think is about teamwork not living situations. 🙂 Plus, you can’t really decorate a place you’re not going to live in for that long. Trust me! Been there!
My brother and his wife had a roommate with them a year before they married and up until 3 years ago when they had their baby, and they are absolutely fine. Neither one of them had any complaints.
Post # 4
My sister has been married fro 2 years. Only for about 2 months at a time were they ever living without a roommate. And I’ll tell you this-the best times in their marriage so far have been when there aren’t any other people to interfere. On another note, it might really depend on who you are living with. Are you comfortable being the only girl there? For me, it would make me nervous even if they were mutual friends.
In my case, I would never want to live with anybody but my Fiance. He has offered a friend of ours (that I’ve known since I was 3) a place in our lease before. As much as I love her, I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I want to be with Fiance an not worry about having someone else around or if they can make next month’s rent or not.
If you;re okay with having roommates, then don’t listen to other people if that’s what both of you want to do.
Post # 5
We lived with a roommate for awhile and it was hell! I understand that there are good roommates and bad roommates, but I would take whatever steps you need to to make sure you don’t move in with those guys! No need to mix your newlywedded state with potential roommate drama!
My suggestion would be to find a cheap studio apartment, and save money that way, rather than living with roommates.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t, but I will say that a LOT of people put a lot of stock in that whole “the first year” yadda yadda. I guess I’m one of those people who didn’t think living apart from my husband for 6 solid months affected our relationship at all.People say you should “be married first” before you have kids in order to “build a stronger relationship” and you should do XYZ First…well, whatever. Not everybody follows the “rules” ya know?
Basically, I think you already HAVE a strong foundation, right? In which case, you’re probably fine. For us, I don’t see how the first year of marriage was so much different from the 5 years we’d already been together.
Now, the whole moving thing. Well you don’t live with him now…but you want to move in with him b/c you’re married now, right? If you weren’t married, would you still want to be the fourth roommate? I’m thinking no. Where do you live now? So, really, I just don’t think it’s a very good idea b/c i don’t think it’s fair to all parties involved.
Because last I checked, more people in one house means cheaper rent FOR ALL. Not just “oh Johnny’s girl moved in, now the two of them pay the same rent that I do and it’s only one of me!” So on one hand I get the whole saving money part, on the other hand, i don’t think it’s fair if there are 4 of you and you don’t pay a larger portion of the rent now. When I “lived” with my husband in college, I did things for the guys to make up for the fact that THEY were paying rent and I was just mooching off some free space as the girlfriend. Respect the space.
Are the guys REALLY ok having a girl roommie? Cuz being friends with someone is different than living with them.
Post # 7
I haven’t been in this situation (my fiance and I were lucky enough to buy a house before we got married, but I didn’t move in until after we were married), but I totally appreciate how tough things are financially right now. The bottom line is that if you are fine with it, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…
I personally wouldn’t want to have 5 people in an apartment, but if you and your fiance are okay with it, it sounds like it could be fun and definitely save some money….
so in the end, if you are comfy with it- go for it!
Post # 8
I totally agree with ejs, I feel like the “first year” thing is kind of bull. Fiance and I are going to live apart for 8 months after we get married. Why are those 8 months any different from the 4 1/2 years we’ve already been together?
I also agree that you guys need to talk to the roommates. You all need to work out how the bills are going to by divided up.
Post # 9
Oh wow, I can see why you’re stressed. I understand that this makes financial sense for you guys, and if it’s your only financial option, I’m sure it will be fine! Not ideal, but it’s only temporary, right? Personally, I would be totally weirded out living with my fiance/husband and other people. But if it doesn’t bother you, and it helps you save for your house, etc….I wouldn’t let what other people think bother you!
Post # 10
I am really bad with roommates. So I would never be able to do it. I need much more space than that. But you have to listen to your gut and do what’s right for you and your husband. I don’t suppose it would hurt to try it out, but I think I would be prepared to make a quick decision if it doesn’t work out. Good luck with whatever y’all choose!
Post # 11
I wouldn’t be able to do it either but my best friend who is newly engaged is moving in with her future in-laws to save up and pay for the wedding and for a down payment for house. Do what you need to do for you guys. Don’t worry about what people say. Marriage is hard enough without having to listen to what others have to say. If you think that it will save you guys money then go for it. You can experience what everyone is talking about when you get your house.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 12
I think you need to just weigh the pros and cons and find out if it’s really okay with the other roommates that a girl will be around—there is a difference with being friends and now being the roommate. I agree with ejs that you need to figure out if you would live there whether you were married or not—that might make a difference.
Personally, I wouldn’t do it just because I have never had a roommate for a reason. I don’t want to put up with someone else’s crap laying around, the person bringing home “guests” and hearing them do the bow-chicka-bow-wow in the other room, etc. If it was my husband’s stuff laying about, that would be different than just a roommate.
Post # 13
Wow, thanks so much for your input! Here is some more info to answer some of y’alls questions:
Yes, we would pay a larger portion of a rent/utilities so it takes into account that there is another person taking up common room space, fridge space etc. Plus, my fiance has talked to his roommates already and they said it’s fine for me to move in. They’re ok with having a girl roomie and I’ve thought about it a lot and I’m ok with having guy roommates. I like having roommates 🙂 And if I’m married, I think I will like having roommates for a year 🙂
We’re over at each others’ places a lot so we know each others’ habits but we’ve never really lived together, like paid rent together.
We could afford a place on our own, but we’d rather save the money for the future.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I don’t know… people live with their SOs with roommates all the time, why is it different when you happen to be married to your SO? It’s stressful no matter which way you slice it. 😉
I think you should do what you have decided will work for you, and forget all the naysayers. Personally I know that I couldn’t do it–living with other people is hard for me as it is, and I wanted to not have to deal with anything on top of adjusting to living with my FI–but your tolerance for roommates might be higher than mine. I don’t see anything wrong with it if you don’t feel like it will bother you a lot.
Post # 15
Just for sake of throwing it out there, I’m one of those people who puts a lot of stock in the first year thing, especially if you’ve never lived with your Fiance before.
My biggest worry with what you describe is that your first year of marriage will essentially have an audience – one that will impact how you interact with one another in ways that are potentially very unpleasant. How will you feel knowing that other people are intimately acquanited with every single dynamic of your marriage – and probably judging it internally?
Post # 16
I think you should do whatever will be easiest for you both. It sounds like living with your friends is what would work best so I say you should do it. With him working long hours, that alone might be taxing on your new marriage but like you said, you’ll have to make more of an effort to spend time together. This is all temporary. Do what will help in the long run. Its obviously not ideal so that’s why people in your life are a bit more negative about it.